The Let's Play Archive


by Blind Sally

Part 13

Whoa, now, what is this horse shit? Turn that off. Turn it off right now! I don't have time for this crap! Television. The CBC. Fah! Also, disregard anything and everything said during that broadcast. That should not have aired, damnit, THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE AIRED! I assure you, I have had no dealings with those chucklefucks ever. Moving on--

--here's the final grid. In honour of this momentous occasion, I've started off by triggering square F6, or "66". Looking at our Blood-ometer, we only need one more sacrifice to trigger the--

--and commence with Ord--

--ho's the lucky volunteer?

GuavaMoment posted:

MMM! MMM! ME! For love of Queen and country I go directly to the left of the '7' we exposed!

Go on, then, Pvt. GuavaMoment. You're so eager, you go on ahead. Step on that square and see what happens.












Aaaahahahahahaaaa! Yes, good! Good! Now I--

--xecute Or--

--hat is to say--


--h, come on! Lousy--

--rst holographic projector I have ev--

--u serious?--

--id somebody spill somet--

--ing on this? I can--

--ust want to--

--ive a glorious speech, is that so--

--much to ask?--

--for the love of--


--turn this--

--damn thing--


--where's the switch?--

--ah, here we g--

Ahhh, much better. Now my true form is revealed! You foolish Canadians have fallen into my dubious trap! Through your willing blood sacrifice, I have been able to empower an old Sith artifact capable of bringing back the dead! Through it, I will execute my dreaded (and trademarked) Order 66!

Hahahaha, yes, good! I can't believe you all fell for the old "Sergeant Apone" trick. I mean, really, did you even watch Aliens? He died!! Oh, you're all so gullible. With the Sith artifact activated, I can raise my Clone Army (also trademarked) from the grave!

But don't worry, I haven't forgotten about all of you. All ghosts, undead, and living Canadian soldiers may don a spare set of Clone Trooper armour and join me on my glorious task. What might that task be, you say? Why, to take back the rights of Star Wars from Disney and return them to the hands of our Dark Master, George Lucas.

You really don't expect J. J. Abrams to fix things, do you? He's just going to make another watered down action movie like he did with Star Trek. Why trust the franchise to him when we can get Master Lucas to make the sequels? I mean, did you even see Red Tails? Brilliant film! Absolutely brilliant! Truly, he is a mastermind for our time.

And he's a devoted master, too! Tirelessly altering the old films to make them perfect! What more could you ask for? And the addition of Midichlorians? Hello! Was I the only person who thought Star Wars could stand to be a little more realistic? Thank you, George!

We're also going to bring back the EU. I mean, how DARE Disney make it non-canon? There are so many sweet stories starring your's truly (that's me) that deserve to be canonized. In fact, I think I might make that our army's first objective: restore the EU.

No, wait! I know what we should do first--

Yes! Star Wars: Detours, the comedic slap-stick cartoon from the people who brought you Robot Chicken. Can you believe they shelved this masterpiece? They thought it would get in the way of Episode VII. Pah, what does Disney know? Have you seen the trailer? Watch the trailer. Here, go watch it:

Did you watch it? Isn't it brilliant? It's brilliant! I mean, look how adorable I am:

Heh, heh, heh, yessss. That's the first thing we'll bring back. And I will be unstoppable. Thanks to all of you goons. You foolish posters in the Something Awful Let's Play subforum. You played right in to my hands. You've made this all possible. I have become strong, thanks to you. I have become the ultimate Force for the Dark Side. Thanks to all of you, I will be unbeatable. I will be unstoppable. There is no force in this universe (or subforum) that can possibly stop my reign of terror!


Outside of Xizor's Casino, a press conference is being held.

Emperor Palpatine walks up to a podium, shackled and escorted by two police officers. Geop stands at his side.

Uuuhh-- *ahem* --is this thing? Yes, okay. Uh, hello. I am the former Emperor, Cos Palpatine. Due to my recent actions and subsequent incarceration, I have been stripped of my title. Geop here--

Geop nods.

--has been kind enough to allow me temporary leave from prison to come here and make this public apology: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting a bunch of people killed. I'm sorry for impersonating a Canadian Military officer. I'm sorry for trying to bring back the very best--

One of the officers elbows Palpatine.

--uh, sorry for trying to bring back all that irrelevant Star Wars crap. Anyways, I am here to promise you that nothing like this will ever happen again. No more wacky antics from ol'Palpy. None of this crazy stuff. Nope. None at all. Never again.

Palpy pauses for effect.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, AM I RIGHT! Ho ho ho! Can't keep the Dark Lord of the Sith down forever, eh? Eh?

Geop leans over and whispers into Palpatine's ear.

Oh, uh... Okay. Uh, sorry, I have just been notified that a "three strikes and you're out" rule is in effect. Considering this whole mess and that Total Extreme Wrestling 2013 thing, I am now on my last chance. So, uh, don't expect any more trademarked wacky Palpatine antics. Ever again.

Palpatine appears to be trying to wink, but the effect is lost on the crowd due to his sunglasses. Geop motions the officers and they forcibly drag Palpatine off-stage.