Welcome back, everyone! That is, if you're actually there. When we left off, it was the first episode. You really shouldn't need a refresher for the first episode, but we'll give you one anyway. You were introduced to main characters Fron-
That'd be myself.
-and his girlfriend Tia. She is, thankfully, not a crappy healer. She has a bow. We didn't see that yesterday, though.
Moving along, I've spent the last few years of my life trying to meet a fairy. I was following a lead last night, and ended up fighting a couple of kobolds.
Yeah, specifically, he was chasing a giant glowing sphere. Since it got away, Fron and Tia are heading back to town. Little do they know of the fierce battle awaiting them.
Well I know NOW.
In between most missions, you get to equip items, see where you are and so on. Not too exciting.
Forget about fairies and let's go hang out. We haven't done anything fun in ages. Plus, this way we won't get torn to pieces and eaten by a pack of anthropomorphic wolves.
Can't do that. I feel compelled to do this, and I'd really like your help.
You're completely obsessed, you know that?
Wait, hold up a second. Didn't you just pass that guy a minute ago?
Oh, those are the farmers Thompson. They manage the farm together.
So they're twins or something, and it's a family business?
Twins? No, there's like nine of them. They aren't related either. Actually I think it's some kind of cult.
Sorry, what were you saying, Tia?
Oh my... wait a minute, how did-
I think I see what she's getting at here. How did those two farmers get past here. There's no way the slimes just moved here in the last ten seconds.
I hear the slimes and the farmers have a sort of understanding.
It's just rumors, but... well let's just say it involves human sacrifice.
Haha, you know they're lame when your first reaction to the deadly monster is "pretty!"
Fuck it, I guess we need to clear them out.
I'm with you, Fron.
Are you ready, Fron?
In most levels, you control two characters at once. Never any more than that. You can switch which one you control with a press of the R button. Only one character can perform an action for each of your turns, unless you pair up. Pairing up tethers the characters together so that they both move. Either way, whichever character you are not controlling will gain 1 AP per turn.
Speaking of AP, Tia's only move right now is Aim. It's just a normal attack, but with no chance of missing and it can be aimed.
While less powerful than Fron, she can attack at long range with her bow.
I've got a little trick for attacking at long range, too!
That's right. It's called Sonic Boom.
It can be aimed, but doesn't do a lot of damage.
Unsurprisingly, slimes are weak and can be killed in one shot.
What do you expect? They don't even have arms. It's not like there's any sort of precedent for strong slimes.
I think the history goes something like
1986: Dragon Quest is released. Slimes are adorable but ineffectual little blobs. They are slaughtered by the thousands.
1987-present: It only goes downhill from there.
Liquid slimes. Metal slimes. Giant slimes. Evolution is just so persistent with these guys, but it keeps missing the actual point.
Anyways. The spoils this time are:
-Fron levels up and learns StrikeDead, some sort of attacking move that misses a lot.
So much for going through life without being saddled with one of those shitty things.
-Tia also levels up and gets a few new moves. Treat heals her partner for 50% of their HP for double the cost of normal healing. The other new move is-
Hey, Fron! I just thought of a new move. I'm going to call it confuse!
Cool. You're going to use it to confuse enemies somehow?
No, I'm going to fire arrows in random directions and hit absolutely nothing!
Well that was easy. I guess we're all done here.
I'd say you should hold that thought.
There's a giant one that's like four times the size of a normal one coming down the road, isn't there?
I'm a little bit embarrassed that we didn't see it earlier.
Hey Fron! What do you suppose this big guy was NOT doing before we interrupted him?
He certainly wasn't playing a video games.
Or any sort of musical instrument.
Or loading a cannon.
Actually that they can do.
Spoils of war!
- Fron levels and learns Critical, which is simply an instant critical hit. In this game, that means extra damage and the enemy is knocked back one space.
-Tia also levels and learns Slow, which slows down an enemy for a little while.
No, seriously. They play baseball on her arm.
Uh... I'm sorry, what?
Such stirring conversations you two have.
Specifically, I thought that instead of thinking about it we could you stopped paying attention again didn't you.
I'm impressed you managed to remember the exact point on a long flat highway when you only saw it once and it was dark at the time. It would be pretty funny if this just led to you wondering around lost for three hours.
So you're totally certain, then? Hey, Fron!
Huh, he really is obsessed.
And so they ran off and got killed by orcs or something. End of game.
Back into the woods. How fun.
I'm on a mission. I'm going to find something today.
That you will. That you will. Just remember that when I said you were in for a fight I didn't mean the slimes.
That wasn't fight, it was pest control.
I'd say it was a series of mercy killings.
Anyway, if anyone is reading this, leave a comment. I'd like to hear some sort of comment. I don't care if it's negative, I just don't want to exist in a void, and obviously I'm not going to continue very long in one.