Part 18: Rash is a Slut
Making out at C Cup [Jan 10th, 1004|12:58 pm]
[Current Mood| not unhappy]
[Current Music|Tori Amos - Smack My Bitch Up]
We're back at the C Cup. Only this time without that horrendous failure of a plant monkey. Hopefully Rash has what it takes to get Colt and I up to the top of the monster breeding world. Then I can quit and find my dream job; civil service.
The announcer then pulled two hand puppets out of a plastic bag, and made them fight. You can at least say the guy has a sense of showmanship.
Our first match of the day was against some kind of moustached ewok.
The ewok let off a smoky burp, and doubled over in pain.
Autopsies would later reveal that the monster had swallowed a lit cigar and at least 5 quarts of motor oil. No one is sure if the monster did it itself, or if someone fed it that. I have my suspicions, though...
Next was Casper, the Retarded Ghost.
Rash didn't even get a chance to make a move. The ghost sucks so much, it knocked itself out.
The third match had us facing El Sucko's evil twin. I still don't understand how anyone could willingly raise such a thing. There are apparently newsgroups and fan pages devoted to this specific breed. It's like those people who raise those ugly, demonic terriers. Except it's an ape.
You could see something glimmering in the ape's face after Rash's first move. It looked like some sort of powder.
And then, it was over. Either the ape was up past its bedtime or that powder knocked it right the hell out.
The next opponent was-
Oh, god. Look, we are not getting a kitty.
No. Having one monster and a toucan is enough. I'm not having a danged menagerie.
Fine. You big jerk.
No comment. I'm not sure Rash could get any lower.
Maybe this time, Rash will actually fight for a change.
I don't believe it. Rash... Rash actually attacked. What's better, it shot freakin' lightning out of its eyeball! That was AWESOME!
Now that's how you win a match! Do it again, Rash!
Ugly eyeball thing vs. ugly eyeball thing.
No... NO! That- no... I can't un-see that.
I'm glad I'm not the only one horrified by that. Rash, you incomparable slut.
On the bright side, the other suezo was so traumatized that it forfeited the match. Another win for us, I guess. But at what cost?
The final match was against a BIG golem with a tiny head. I couldn't stop laughing at the thing. And then, Rash... Well... See for yourself.
I vomited so much that day. There are some things you just don't do to win a match, but Rash did it.
He won, but... Just... ugh. And what's worse, Colt has to clean off it's mouth.
You heard me. I'm not touching that thing.
Thanks, Colt! I'll go collect the trophy while you do that.
Do we really want to know where it's famous?
No. We do not. And you definitely don't want to read its fan mail. Also, Rash wants a treat as a reward for winning the tournament.
You think I'm going to REWARD you for that?! You're lucky I don't sell off your ass to the butcher's for that performance. Seriously, if I see one more disturbing victory out of you, I'm trading you in for a pony.
But we don't have ponies in IMA.
DON'T CARE. PONY.
Um, alright. Here, we got our new rank in the mail.
You put your nose down this instant, young lady.
But we're pr-
I'M the professional. You're just a little girl who cleans up golem juice.
Grr. Fine. So then, Mr. Professional, what do you want to do with Rash now?
Good question. Hey, guys? What do I want to do with Rash now?