Part 2: Episode 2: Doodling Doodles
I opted to be polite with the game this time. Now, before we see what monster pops out, I'd like to explain how this works.
According to the guide I downloaded, Tecmo anticipated everyone being immature and only drawing dongs. In fact, they counted on it. MRDS picks a monster based on your drawing by utilizing a "Penis Matrix". The matrix bases the monster's attributes on penis length, girth, and drawing detail.
You may be asking "But Mr. Swoon, what if someone inexplicably DOESN'T draw a penis?". Well, Tecmo had that slim possibility covered too. If the system doesn't recognize the drawing as a dick, it will break the shape down into dong components.
So if you drew a suezo, the game would read it as a dong and then process that dong into the appropriate monster. In this case, asking the game for a cool monster gave us...
An adorable panda. I can live with this.
Tell me about the rabbits, Goatbone...
For something this sickeningly sweet, I could only think of one name.
Wilford Brimley beware.
Diabetes is a Mew type monster. What's a Mew? Well, let's ask the Monster Rancher Wiki!
Monster Rancher Wiki posted:
Otacon then throws a monster at us, ready for battle.
I think you mean "IT'S GO TIME!". Let's get into the tutorial battle.
The combat system for Monster Rancher DS is a slight twist on the old basic mechanics. All the controls are on the bottom screen, while the pretty action happens at the top.
You tap on the ground in front of your monster to go forward, tap behind him to move back. Tapping on your opponent will make your monster attack it. The harder you tap the screen, the more power your monster will throw into the the attack. Many people have broken screens from doing this, but by god they won the match.
Just like MR games past, you have 3 basic attack type: Large, Medium, and Child's Size. If you time a child's size attack just right, you'll get a free toy. That's really all you need to know about the battle mechanics for now. Let's start the fight.
Diabetes is going to eat that Suezo like it was bamboo.
And here is the battle screen for real. Each monster type has its own little sprite in the bottom screen. Since Diabetes is a mew, they show him as a cat instead of a giant Chinese bear.
The whole fight was pretty much this for 60 seconds, with 10 second charge times in between.
And with that, we won! You earned your insulin this day, panda.
Jerkoffs. I really hope they don't become a Regular Thing.
Borgan, City of Crime. A cold, heartless place where nerds in hoods will kill you for your shoes. The dame walked into my ranch, eyes as big as her face. She didn't have a lot to say, but that didn't stop her from talking non-stop. I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue.
Your basic token town menu. Let's do like the girly asked, and mosey on back home.
Like the chick said, this golf course is our ranch. Your monster will play around on the top screen, and you can see where he is on the marker at the bottom. In this case, it's the spastic-looking cat. You can move your monster around by tapping, if you like. But there's no real point to doing it now.
...You're not joking, are you.
Professor Hootie and I have been together a long time! He'll be sure to teach you lots of neat stuff!
Fuck you, owl. Just fuck you.
That thing aside, we now have to train up our little panda cat bear.
Here are the things we can do to train him. Power is for physical attacks, Intelligence is magic, Skill is accuracy, Speed lets you dodge attacks, Defense reduces damage, and Life is self-explanatory. Diabetes is mainly built for speed and skill, but that alone won't be enough to let us win tournament and become god's gift to ranching.
So pick our monster's training plan. Now. Do it now.