The Let's Play Archive

Monster Rancher

by Mr. Swoon

Part 10: Official D Cup

Let's murder our way up the ranks, Dirty.

First up was some generic dinosaur. He is red.

Dirty tore into his belly, and feasted on what flowed out. I want to say that was entirly his doing, but I skipped feeding him in preparation for this tournament.

Next was a fat dog made out of rock.

Despite being fat and made out of rock, he was somehow faster than Dirty. His existence proves all laws of physics wrong, and soon the world will unmake itself.

All Dirt could do was laugh at the stone dog's potbelly. I didn't even know dogs could laugh.

It turns out stone dog already had a complex about his weight, and began sobbing uncontrollably. Eventually, he waddled his fat rocky ass back to his pen and ate everything that wasn't nailed down. Apparently, humiliating your opponent counts as a victory, so Dirty got another win.

Next up was supposed to be some random suezo. Before the match started he approached the suezo and vomited some solid chunks of the dinosaur he fought earlier at its foot-analogue. I guess Dirt developed a taste for mind games as well as lizard flesh. They still haven't been able to coax the suezo out of its pen.

Next was another golem. I learned my lesson from the last time, and put faith in my dog's psychological warfare.

That, and I snuck some plastic explosive caps in his teeth. He won't miss them; he never chews his food anyway.

The final opponent was a ninja dinosaur. The two seemed to recognize each other.

The stats claimed that he was weaker and slower than Dirty, but you couldn't tell by looking at him. Bastard lizard was so quick, he stole my popcorn before the match.

What followed the start of the fight was the kind of deadly acrobatics you would only otherwise see in an illegal Russian circus.

Every flip, every scratch led to a dozen more moves, each one more graceful than the last. A landed bite meets with a tail swipe, which in turn gets met with a backflip. You would think it was a well-choreographed ballet if it wasn't for the fact that they were trying to kill each other.

The battle was close, but in the end Dirty proved victorious. He howled defiantly while the black dinosaur disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

And then we won.

That was my favourite part!

Hey Norman, do you know what this is?


But, you still have a long way to go.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sounds of my expert monster breeding.

That reminds me! Today is Dirt McGirt's 1st birthday! Let's sing a song.

Holly, I love you like a sister but that was the worst song in this history of mankind. In 1000 years time, archaeologists will find remains of your song and kill themselves in a fit of despair.

Dirt seems to like it.

Dirt also likes swallowing dinosaur heads whole.

Why did you have to remind me!? -urp!

When you're done, we have another messenger at the door.

Holly, did your mother stand in front of microwaves a lot before you were born?

Nevermind that, Dirt McGirt got a letter!

Oh great, now he'll start to feel loved. We can't have that, now can we? This means we must train the happiness right out of him. Goons! Decide what jobs Dirty should do for the next few months.