The Let's Play Archive

Monster Rancher

by Mr. Swoon

Part 25: Official C Cup

Tonight, we are going to destroy all life on Earth.

First on Megatron's path of destruction was a weird one-eyed bug. The eye was segmented like a fly, but he also had a scorpion tail, which he used to walk on. It makes me want to travel through time and ask Darwin why the hell this thing exists.

As you can see, he's slower and sooooo much weaker than Megatron. This should be a massacre.

Megatron's body broke into chunks and spun around, forming a cyclone of living rocks. And it was headed right for the bug thing.

Within seconds, Megatron turned his opponent into a a smooth insect daquiri. That actually sounds pretty good right now. I'm gonna go make one. You want one, Holly?

[Prolonged vomiting sounds]

The next opponent was found garroted in its cell. In its place was another dinosaur ninja, decked in white. I think he might have been their leader, or at least pretty high on the food chain. I guess my defense training only made them angrier.

As it turns out, Megatron was getting quite good at fighting ninjas by now. He ripped the white ninja's heart out and made him eat it before he died. The dude has got no time for ninja bullshit.

Opponent #3 was a fat doggy. That's really all there is to say about it. I have no idea who is breeding all these obese dogs, or how they're managing to make it so far up in the ranks.

The tub of guts managed to get a good opening hit in, headbutting Megatron in the crotch. It didn't phase him, though. It annoyed him more than anything.

After getting bored with the fatty's antics, Megatron flicked out his mighty finger. The impact shattered the butterball's skull, sending its brain and spine rocketing into the arena's ceiling.

Next up was a golem made entirely out of grapefruit.

Despite his larger mass, the grapefruit golem was significantly weaker than Megatron.

Megatron was in the mood to play monster blender for this match.

We all celebrated this victory with some tall glasses of juice.


Mixed with bug pulp.

A green fairy pranced into the arena floor, dancing around and tossing flower petals into the stands. Nobody really knew what to make of it.

Eventually, the judges decided that the fairy could count as a proper monster and declared this to be an official match. Megatron enjoyed watching her jump around and frolic amonsgt the blood and corpses. He started dancing along.

However, he was a little too eager to join in the leaping, and landed on the fairy's head. He felt a little bad about it.

The crowd hushed as the sacred monks of the monster sanctuary entered the stands. Their monster was up next. Holly was cheering for Megatron, but I couldn't help but worry that this being that contained the embodiment of chaos and order within its eye would kill him.

All Megatron had to do was land one blow. One hit and the mystic suezo would by holy paste.

Megatron tried his cyclone move, but the suezo rode it as if it were a teacup ride.

God, if you're there, I know I haven't been praying much since the... incident. But if you could find it in your heart to let Megatron win this match, I swear I'll stop lighting mormons on fire when they come to my door. At the very least, I'll cut it back a little. Amen.

The electric nebula once again floated from its pupil. Maybe Megatron could withstand it. I mean, he's made of rock. There's no way it could breach his mind, right?

Dear God. Fuck you. Love, Norman P. Swoon.

Once he was able to pull himself back together, Megatron had to fight a soggy.

That's a lot of defense for a bunch of water.

If this were a different monster training/battling game, Megatron would be in deep shit. But since it's not, he flicked that blob of goo into another dimension.

Turns out that the grapefruit golem and Megatron were tied for wins. I guess he wasn't completly juiced. If Megatron can end him, he'll win the tournament.

You can guess how this match ended.

My boy's getting pre-tty darned famous. Maybe I can start signing him up for endorsement deals. Just imagine; Megatron hi-tops, Megatron breakfast cereal, Megatron bug extract energy drinks! I could make a fortune!

No, Megatron. I don't think people would buy penis enlargement pills with your face on them. Good idea, though.

Yes! This is it, Norman! Your level up notification!

Awesome. I'll throw it in the drawer.

We've done well so far though, right?

I suppose, but we're not making any real money yet. And if we want any more pieces of paper, Megatron's gonna have to train like his life depended on it. And it does. So now we have to figure out what kind of training we should make him do. Which means we need input from strangers on the internet.