The Let's Play Archive

Monster Rancher

by Mr. Swoon

Part 45: Crushing both E and D cups

You son of a bitch.

Well hello, Holly! What brings you to my ranch?

Nobody's hiring me. Apparently, someone told every potential employer I had that I was a registered sex offender.

Is it my fault for telling them that, or yours for listing me as a reference in the first place?

I hate you so much, Norman. I can't even pretend to be nice about it any more.

And that's fine, too. Come back to work for me, and you can hate me all you want. I nnn.. nnnn... I neeeeee...

Yes? Go on, say it.

I need you.

Hee hee! Very well! But I expect a big raise, and no more killing monsters!

Deal. Now meet Galvatron here, and prep him for battle. I'm taking him on a big tournament circuit.

Damn right he was scared. Galvatron is a fearsome, mighty beast.

It might also have something to do with your wearing that horrible eye mask again.

It's my good luck charm.

Like Megatron before him, Galvatron loves to finger his beaten foes.

Or kick their heads off like a soccer ball. Actually, it's more like a nerf soccer ball that was soaking in tomato sauce overnight and since it's so heavy and wet with sauce it breaks apart on impact. Yeah, that's a lot more accurate.

And the first step on Galvatron's road to victory has been made. But we are not done yet, not by a longshot. First, let's spend a week or two having him pull carts.

Excellent. Now, we are going to enter every tournament we can until the next official cup. I want to be rich, and Galvatron's the monster to make it happen.

What does Alta even mean? Holly?

Please take that disgusting thing off.

Some day, I'll make you wear one of your own.

Galvatron loves his fingerings.

But not all appreciated them as he did. This golem was a representative of some monster's rights group or something. I wasn't paying attention. The point was, he thought Galvatron's actions were setting a negative example for the little golems watching at home, and he wanted him to stop.

Galvatron told him where he could stick it.

But it turns out that golem had a secret weapon: Lawyers. Half of the prize money we won here is going to end up paying legal fees to take up this defamation of character lawsuit the golem hit us with.

You could have just let me represent us. I have a degree in-

Oh, forget it.

More legal fees mean more prize money needed, which means more tournaments.

This match was getting slow. I decided to hurry it along by tossing an improvised molotov cocktail at Galvatron. I don't know what they put in the beer in this stadium, but it is strong.

That lawyer golem showed up again. On the advice of my attorney, I will not comment on this match.

But this one? Everyone was so impressed by a flaming golem fingering his enemies in the eyes, that the techs decided to stage a light show right on the spot in Galvatron's honor, with accompanying jock jams.

And we got another CD fragment on top of the money. Whoop-dee-doo.

Do you think we should let Galvatron take a little break? He's been fighting almost non-stop.

Nah, we'll just give him some taffy and he will be good to go.

Hooray! Taffy! I approve.

Well then, back to the carts until the next tournament.

It's time for the Official D Cup.

Excellent. Once we get this out of the way, then we can let Galvatron rest a little. Maybe.


Okay fine, we'll let him rest after this. Christ, you're getting pushy.

Norman disappeared when I was preparing Galvatron for the first match. When he came back, he was out of breath. Which was odd, because he was not high at the time.

With that lawyer on my back, there are some things that I am not allowed to discuss. This is one such thing.

You didn't have anything to do with all these monsters quitting, did you?

Can't say. But if I could make an educated guess, I'd say that some ruggedly handsome gentleman must have slipped LSD in the monsters' water bowls then ran amok wearing a hideous eye mask.

Oh shit, he's here. And he was listening. HEY! GALVATRON! DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES, UNDERSTAND?

On shank to the ribs later, and all my legal troubles went away. Pay attention, Holly. This is how grownups solve their problems.

There is not a single thing "grown up" about you.

That's not true, I... I have a beard.

I guess Megatron didn't kill off all the ninja dinosaurs, after all. And to make matters worse, the LSD I SOMEONE slipped him only made him more aggressive.

But at the last second, Galvatron managed to eke out a KO. This monster has yet to disappoint me.

Excellent! We're rich! This is a cause for celebration!

That isn't the only reason to celebrate, you know.


No! Please! This wasn't part of the deal!

I am going to burn your day planners to make sure this never happens again.

The time for partying has passed. Now we must focus on pumping Galvatron into the god of destruction he was meant to be.

And since I've forced him into C Rank, we have full access to the training center again. So all that's left is to decide which courses I should blow my money on.