Part 83: Tomy and the grand finale
So, what are you going to do with Francis?
Gosh, I don't know! We could have him barely win some more tournaments by the skin of his teeth, OR we could turn him into an unstoppable cyborg of destruction.
Holly, you dumb cunt. What did you think I was going to pick?
But I thought you liked him...
I like drugs. I like money. I like hunting. I like that feeling you get when you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth.
THAT'S RIGHT! And above all else, do you know what I like? Winning.
And this re-animated robot will be our key to victory.
His name will be Tomy. Someone, please get that reference.
So, what jobs will you be using to train Tomy first?
I dunno. How about building?
You got a letter from a fan!
I think he might be a potential rival.
I know you're trying to be cute, but I will take no chances. Have the boy eliminated by dawn. And take Tomy to the circus as an alibi.
He has lasers?!
He IS a robot, after all.
That is amazing.
Wait a minute... Hey, Holly?
Why are we training him?
What do you mean? Training makes him stronger.
But he's a robot. Couldn't we just, I don't know, program him to be better?
Of course n- wait... You know, we actually could do that.
Fantastic! Get to it, girl.
Well... It took me a year to complete it, but I successfully reprogrammed Tomy.
Excellent. He is truly a killing machine now. Let's test him out.
Oh, I am so very pleased.
And just in time, too! We just got an invitation to the next super-tournament.
As if I care about my fans. Filthy leeches. At any rate, on to the Invitational!
It's us, right? You're talking about us?
Tomy's first opponent was the Easter Bunny. Good thing he's had practice lasering rabbits to death.
Oh lordy, this is going to be a massacre.
As the match started, Tomy transformed from a little UFO thing into a giant walking machine of death. While the rabbit was in awe, he shot out a bladed yo-yo from his wrist.
I'm not sure if that can be called a decapitation or not. There's parts of the rabbit's head still sort of dangling there, but not completely. It... It was like taking a weed whacker to a cake.
Next was some kind of cross between a teenage girl and winnie the pooh.
Tomy stood there while she danced around the room for a few seconds, then shot out his fist into her ugly bubble-coated face.
Violence against women has never been more awesome.
The final match was against... JESUS CHRIST
The lizard-coated robot was fast, but sucked at taking or giving any kind of damage.
Tomy sprang into action, lunging his fist into the other robot's singular eye. The robot started freaking out. His head spun wildly, trying to find where Tomy went.
Unable to actually see anything, the lizard-bot simply shot his eye laser in every direction, hoping to eventually hit Tomy. While he didn't succeed in doing that, he did kill a couple of the judges, giving Tomy the win via disqualification.
I know he's an evil robot designed only for killing, but I want to pinch his cheeks so badly.
Who cares about that, we won! We're richer now!
And there's only one more tournament left to conquer.
Good thing I have an invitation right here.
So how did YOU get one?
Hey! I am the best breeder on Earth, damn you! I earned that invitation.
Ok, I stole one out of that dead judge's pocket.
This is it! The Master's Cup is the ultimate tournament. Only the elite of the elite fight here.
Sure. "We". But anyway, on to the slaughter!
Alright, seriously. How did a paper wall get into this?
It belongs to a top FIMBA official's nephew.
Aww, now I almost feel bad about having to kill it.
HOLY SHIT SPIKES KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!
You saved the day, Tomy. You and your awesome laser sword.
Next was one of the legendary frost giants of Ymir.
It's said that his breeder captured the beast by tricking him into eating a tainted acorn from the tree of life, and now they have a soul-bond forged by Odin himself. Whatever. I'm gonna fuck him up for money.
Did you know that beings made of ice and snow don't take very well to hot hot lasers? I sure didn't.
Nobody cares what you know. And nobody likes your style.
This is it. The final opponent. Druids summoned a powerful demon from the Abyss and granted him a cursed gauntlet forged in the very fires of Mount Doom itself. None who have gazed upon this creature have lived to tell the tale.
Are we gonna let that shit stop us? Hell no. Go kill Satan now, Tomy.
Judging by the look of shock on the demon's face, it has never been hurt that badly before on its life. Furious, it charged at Tomy like a mad bull. Tomy deftly flew around the beast's attacks, tagging it with the occasional rocket fist when the opportunity arose. Then, it stopped moving. The demon stood in place, chanting in some guttural ancient language.
It produced a blinding lensflare from its living hand. The resulting blast nearly took Tomy in half. Fortunately, it actually did halve the demon. I guess it was hoping to survive the attack in a fit of desperation. It almost killed him, but Tomy won. We won.
We did it! We really did it!
Thanks, sleazy FIMBA guy! Now give it.
Ohhhhhh yeah. That's the stuff. Just smell that paper. That's quality paper right there.
You're scaring me, Norman. And we have visitors.
Proud enough to give me a permanent discount?
Not that proud.
Fuck you, Mario.
Especially you, Miss Holly. I... I love you.
That- that's great... I'm just going over here now. No, no. Don't follow me. You just stay there. I'll be back. I promise.
Do you think you could join me on an expedition to Reno?
We just got back from killing every monster on Earth. No.
I see. Well, see you.
I'm sorry, but if you could just let us get unpacked...
No, that's fine. See you.
I'd like to say I was the bigger man, and didn't beat Santa's skull in with a hammer, but I can not. I don't even know where I got the hammer from.
Norman, you did it...
I suppose I could, couldn't I? I'm rich enough to live easily off hookers and blow until my heart gives out. And even then, I could probably buy a dozen new hearts. My robot can be repaired and serve me faithfully for decades without any kind of maintenance. And thanks to Holly's pestering, I now have a country mansion to chill out in.
You're right, Holly. I'm going to retire in style.
I'm so happy for you, Norman.
And you're fired.
I won't need an assistant if I'm not going to be raising monsters anymore, now will I? You're fired, and you're out of the house. I'll leave your belongings on a nearby street corner.
I'll show you. Some day, I'll become a far greater breeder than you ever could!
Yeah, yeah. Now beat it.
And with that, she was gone. All I have left are the memories of pain and suffering I've inflicted on Holly and all the monsters whose bodies I've climbed over on my way to the top. It's been 25 years since I first started breeding monsters. I've made it pretty far with help from the internet, but now I think I'm just going to go back to using it for porn. Thanks for your help, guys. You made me a rich man...