Part 29: Episode XXVI: It's Coarse and Rough and Irritating and It Gets Everywhere
Episode XXVI: It's Coarse and Rough and Irritating and It Gets Everywhere
Music: The Lost Forest
"Where the hell have you two been?!"
"Uhh...we got sidetracked?"
"For five goddamn weeks?!"
"Now see here, hussy! You are the one who-who..."
"Wait, why am I even trying to defend that tremendous waste of all our time...?"
"Can we just cut the bullshit and get moving already?"
So, to get to the Desert we will need to go south at the Eastern Road we crossed to reach the Lost Shrine earlier in the game.
Jogging for a while in that direction will bid farewell to any form of greenery and really any color behind browns and oranges for a while. I REALLY hope you like brown and orange.
Nier enters the desert...
"It's strange. Let's just leave it at that."
"Stranger than a boorish young woman who battles monsters in her undergarments!?"
So, the Desert is just kind of uhh...flat and sandy... It's a desert, what do you want out of me?
The eastern half of the desert is divided by a huge canyon with an immense sandstorm constantly churning on the horizon. Considering we don't even have a map of this joint, it is probably best to avoid that and just follow
Dotting a few places across the desert are strange sand fountains. Inspecting them will cause Weiss to remark they appear to be inoperative. Welp, I am sure that will never come up again. No sir!
Further into the desert, our trio will come across rather unnatural rumbling beneath the sands that moves ever so slow toward our heroes. My video game senses and the ancient great epic of desert heroism, Tremors, suggest staying the hell away from such spots. As such, getting near the dangerous areas will cause...well... something...to erupt from the ground and attempt to sting our hero in the face.
"What's that thing?!"
"It is known as a scorpion. Phylum Arthropoda, subphylum Chelicerata, order Scorpionida. They are closely related in form and structure to other arachnids."
"Well, that clears everything up."
"It's an enemy. Kill it."
"Now that I understand!"
Scorpions are no problems at all. You can just dodge, swipe twice, and you're done. It is worth noting that they are one of the very few enemies which can inflict poison status on Nier (and strangely...the immortal, regenerating health possessing Kainé). There is medicine to cure poison status, but it will wear off on its own after about twenty seconds and honestly...I think I got poisoned maybe twice ever while playing the game.
The Desert definite possesses the most hostile wildlife of the three major field areas of NIER, Shades notwithstanding. Upon trotting a bit into the wasteland, a pack of wolves will descend upon our band. Wolves are rather speedy and agile. They will attempt to pounce at Nier and occasionally grab onto his arm and bite down, locking him in place until they are knocked off. Way to steal your move set from Cerberuses from Resident Evil, ya jerks.
Anyway, the new Sealed Verse, Dark Phantasm, is excellent against pretty much every mob of enemies in the game. It is probably the very most useful magic spell against basic enemies in general. Tapping the assigned button once will cause a streak of energy to shoot across the ground straight ahead of Nier. If it comes into contact with anything, it will cause a magic clone of Nier to appear and wail the shit out of the enemy.
But, you don't want to use that. What you do want to do is charge the attack up. This will cause a circle of energy to expand around Nier until the entire MP bar is drained. When the charge is released (or magic is depleted) then magic clones of Nier will absolutely ruin the shit of EVERY enemy within the circle's radius. This does a ton of damage, will always send enemies flying off their feet, and just looks awesome since the assorted victims go tumbling through the air in slow motion until every target has gotten a nice helping of magic sword sandwich.
Good times. Utterly useless against bosses. But, never leave home without it when out in the field.
After the first batch of wolves is defeated, what appears to be a black Shade wolf appears in the distance and recalls the rest of the wolves from the field. It appears that is the pack leader. Weird.
Not far from our destination, we can run across another desert anomaly. Might as well check that out while we're in the neighborhood.
"Looks like a graveyard..."
"The headstones seem to be lacking names. Also, why do they shine as if they were carved from the rock just yesterday?"
Eventually, on the far eastern side of the desert, our party finally comes upon some manner of gate. I think we have found Facade. There's just one little catch.
Before Nier and Weiss can start discussing the best way to magic punch their way through, Kainé steps forward past the two and approaches the guards.
Stop staring at her ass, you perv. Don't even try to tell me you were doing otherwise. I'm on to you...
One of the masked guards at the gate gasps at seeing our rather inappropriately dressed companion. High heels cannot be easy to wear while roaming the desert... He then starts yelling...something...to his counter-part on the other side of the gate. The only word I picked up was "Kainé".
The second guard hops around merrily before landing on one foot for...some reason... Again, I have no idea what gibberish they're spewing but it sounded positive. This town is going to be weird, isn't it...?
"Huh. You know these guys, Kainé?"
"No, it's not that."
Welp, whatever... Either way, it looks like we're getting in. Maybe the desert was just sorely lacking in tits...?
Music: Facade's Theme
...welcome to the desert city of Facade. It is...kinda big...
Kinda...a clusterfuck of stairs, platforms, quicksand traps, bridges, and walls too...
So, Kainé saved a kid here and got the key to the city or something. She doesn't seem to be in much of a mood for sightseeing and just broods over by the gates.
"What about you?"
"I'll stay here. I hate crap like this."
"I don't know whether to thank you or wish you ill."
Nier and Weiss prepare to explore Facade. Kainé has one last tip for the two...
"The language they use here is pretty crazy. So good luck with that."
Well, it can't be that hard to understand. Let's ask some of these masked kids nearby. The hell is up with all the masks...?
...In the distant future of NIER, Japanese has fully and truly evolved into Moonspeak. Terrific...
"These speak a language I have never before encountered."
"Maybe I should have studied languages when I was a kid..."
"You could speak a thousand tongues and still fail if you lack knowledge of another's culture."
I don't think we are going to get anywhere asking directions. Might as well just foot it to the King's Mansion. Kainé did say it was the biggest building in town right... Ah! There it is... All the way across the city...
Of course it is... Where else would it be...?
"How do we even get there?"
"With willpower and smarts, my good man!"
Music: Facade's Theme