Part 31: Episode XXVIII: Escort MissionEpisode XXVIII: Escort Mission
Music: Facade's Theme
Well, it seems our next altruistic endeavor has been made clear. But, before venturing forth to the ends of the earth to save a wayward prince, perhaps we should take a second visit around Facade now that Weiss can act as our C3PO.
All of Facade's residents' speech is now auto-translated. People were discussing how the hell Weiss figured out their speech in about twenty minutes. I always reckoned he did, in fact, already know their tongue but wasn't quite sure with their weird future dialect. So, instead of having a chip in the great Grimoire Weiss' fantastic knowledge base in case he was wrong, he just went along with "never heard this moon speak before" until he had a firm grasp he really did have know the language. That way it can look like his super intellect picked that stuff up in no time flat. It's not like Nier is one to call bullshit on something like that.
Anyhow, chatting with random NPCs hanging out around Facade reveals a few new rules of the wacky town.
Additional Rules of Facade:
- Everyone must wear loose fitting robes. These are apparently good for moving around in sand.
- NO WEARING SHOES!
- Rule 432: You must capture any lizard that crawls into a pot.
- Only nobility may enter the treasury.
- Rule 7,017: You cannot make a mistake while running an errand.
- Rule 4,217: Parents must scold their child if they make a mistake.
- No saying bad things about the Prince.
- Well, okay you can say bad things about the Prince you just have to whisper...
- Any outsider who saves the life of one of the Masked People is deemed a Benefactor and is a friend of the city. Said status extends to friends of the Benefactor too.
- A punishment for breaking one of the rules: Watching the quicksand river every day for two years.
- Rule 32: If something exists, there is porn for it. Well, not a real rule. Just seeing if you're awake there.
- If a husband has an argument with his wife, he must make-up with her by the end of the day or else they will be divorced.
- Rule 2,078: Boys born on December 3rd must keep continual watch over quicksand.
As stated earlier, the quick travel option is now available via the sand-skiff. The ride is free and it goes to every major location and shop in town. There's no reason not to ride it to wherever Nier needs to visit.
The only location there is NOT a sand-skiff dock is the Item Shop right around the corner from the entrance gates. It is just folded into the Entrance dock and as such the merchant is a touch easy to overlook, despite being the first stop on Fyra's tour.
The Item Shop has maps for both Facade and the Desert that are both worth picking up for a nominal fee. It is also worth noting that this store sells several seeds and bulbs exclusive to Facade. We'll have to remember that little tidbit...
Here's the map of Facade in case you were curious. I think Cavia just took a Rorschach Test and made it into a town.
Across town there is a Blacksmith which sells a shiny new weapon to add to Nier's growing armory. After all we gotta catch 'em all to unlock the last two endings of NIER way down the road. And our party is quite flush with cash thanks to
The Earth Wyrm's Claw both looks utterly ridiculous and is inferior in every way to our currently equipped Beastbain. So, it will join the rest of the unused and unloved weapons in Nier's closet.
Besides...I don't think I want to be wielding the claw of the Great Penis Wyrm of Drakengard. That's just gross... Though, speaking of Drakengard throw back...that's right!
This is yet another transplant from NIER's predecessor. This weapon was obtained by just looting a chest during the six-year old boy Seere's exclusive wasting-everyone's-damn-time chapter. There is also a revised NIER version of the story. Let's take a look...
Grimoire Nier posted:
EARTH WYRM'S HOOK
Deep inside the smelly museum, one old scholar sat in the dim archives. Before him was a box tightly sealed. He was told by the former owner, in no uncertain terms, to "Never open it".
Apparently a fossil that sucks human blood was inside. How foolish. Who'd believe something like that in this time and age? You only believed in this superstition because you lived your life surrounded by books.
He opened the box. Dust flew wildly. There was one strangely shaped stone inside. Since it had a hilt, it might be an instrument for some kind of ceremony… or a weapon. "Such a fascinating shape. I have to do more research on this."
Still, how foolish would you have to be to fear such a thing? Hehehe…the old scholar laughed while gouging out his left eye in front of the fossil.
...Right, then. Moving on.
I didn't really show off a good look at the Strange Things store. There is nothing for sale there at the moment. But, taking a look at it there are such "strange things" as surfboards, street signs, and the ever mysterious sewer lid. The legends tell grim tales of adventurers forced into foul stretches of dungeons known as "sewers" which were filled with a hideous odor, a dire random encounter rate, and near endless repetition that would drive even the strongest warrior mad. They were truly a wicked place.
Another skiff ride later...
Before we depart, there is one solitary sidequest that has cropped up outside the King's Mansion. I can't wait to see what kind of silly baloney the Masked People will request out of our overly helpful hero.
Sidequest: Item Unknown
(My daughter's birthday is coming up, and I want to cook her something special... But Rule 8.614 states that parents cannot purchase food for their children's birthday feasts. Would you be willing to help me?)
"If it's for your daughter, I'd be more than willing to help."
(Thank you very much. I need you to bring me ten round, striped food objects.)
"Um...I think you'll need to be more specific."
(I'm sorry, but Rule 27,229 states when sending someone on an errand, you cannot state the name of the item you want him to buy.)
"Oh, come on!"
"Fine, I'll do it. But don't expect too much."
"We cannot even tell that person what we wish to purchase! Never in my life have I seen such foolishness!"
"Ah, it's no big deal."
"Come now. This must bother you!?"
"It does, but I trust they have a reason for it. Something meaningful that we just don't understand yet."
"That is a very broad-minded thing to say. ...Are you feeling well?"
"That was almost a compliment."
So...Nier needs to purchase 10 round edible items with stripes on 'em, is it? Well...given what we've seen of NIER's available food items, it isn't too hard to deduce that the woman is requesting some watermelons.
Unfortunately, while watermelons are readily available for sale in Facade's grocery store they are...really pricey. Buying them at market value would set Nier back 8,000 gold and I somehow doubt the quest is going to pay out that much money in return.
But, you will recall the earlier Item Shop had watermelon seeds for sale at 1/10th the price of the full thing. 800 Gold in seeds is slightly more reasonable. I guess some more gardening is in our future.
The thing is, our party is railroaded into going to the Barren Temple next, so we'll need to complete our rescue mission for the Prince before returning home to play Farmville. Thus, this sidequest will need to wait a bit.
In any case, that is about all there is to see and do in Facade at this point in time. Let's return to the burning sands of the desert and begin probably my least favorite stretch of the game...
Music: The Lost Forest
Upon exiting Facade's gates, Fyra will trot out and act as our guide to the far northern dungeon which the delinquent Prince of Facade has wandered off toward. This is...a painful process.
This is mostly due to the fact that Fyra is fucking SLOOOOOOOOW. How slow we talking, you ask? Well you see the rock to the right of Fyra in the screenshot above? Now, you see that rock just past it to the upper left? It takes the kid five fucking seconds to run between those two rocks. It takes Nier about 1 second to do the same running at full speed.
Fyra's tour will take us all the way from the bottom southeastern part of the map to the very far north.
But, that is not all. The pint-sized Pyramid Head will be leading the party through that wild sandstorm we saw when first entering the desert. It seems the Masked People's err...masks allow them to navigate through sandstorms with no problem. But, Nier is afforded no such luxury. As such, if Nier wanders off more than about 20 yards from his guide, he'll lose sight of Fyra, get lost as shit, and the entire northern trek across the Desert will be reset until he gets it right.
On top of that, there are wolves dicking around in the sandstorm for god knows what reason, just waiting to ambush travelers to the temple that almost nobody ever enters. Wolves are retarded animals, I don't know why dorks love them on t-shirts so much.
Now, the wolves won't attack Fyra or anything. There's no chance of her dying horribly, despite Cavia's loathing of children as established more than thoroughly in Drakengard. But, she will cower in fear until the wave of canines is slain.
This part can be annoying because it is possible for Kainé to blast a wolf with magic and send it flying half a football field away. Nier can't go pursue it because of the whole "go too far from Fyra and you have to start all over" mission parameter. So, we're basically at the mercy of Kainé's AI to kill off the enemy by herself or else hopefully it will target Nier again to be murdered within the safe zone.
"Pth! Blech! The moment I open my mouth, the sand rushes inside!"
"Weiss, you don't even have a mouth! Spth! Plllth! How does Fyra deal with this?"
"Perhaps there is some kind of filter inside that mask of hers."
"These people should stop arguing about rules and follow Fyra's lead."
"She seems to possess almost boundless stores of energy. This girl must possess extreme patriotism. Look how she gives all for the sake of her prince!"
There are about three or four mobs of wolves while crossing the sandstorm. Pissing about for too long will summon additional wolves. And I probably don't have to say that messing up the escort and losing sight of Fyra will also reset the number of wolf packs encountered.
After traveling for quite some time, the party eventually reaches the far northern part of the Desert. Thank gawd. The wolves will back off at this point, as does the sandstorm. You'd think setting up ambushes just outside the sandstorm would make more sense. But, what do I know of Future Wolves?
(The Barren Temple is just up ahead.)
"Okay. We'll take it from here."
(Oh, and one more thing...)
The masked kid forks over a map of the upcoming dungeon. So, normal civilians cannot enter the forbidden royalty only member's club temple...but maps of the joint are so readily available that 10-year olds can obtain one with ease...? Sure, why not. Thanks, kiddo...
Welp, this prince isn't going to rescue himself. I hope you all REALLY like boxes, puzzles, and puzzles involving boxes...
Desert Escort Highlights
Fyra Concept Art