The Let's Play Archive

Paladin's Quest

by Stayton

Part 9: The Whole Place Smelled us Coming, Part 1/2

I know it's a bit late, but here's the short beginning of Chapter 8
Previously, on Let's Play: Paladin's Quest

(Did I mention how cool Angelic Panacea is?)
Mindy and Johnny are still trying to save the world with the help of their (hot female) mercenary friends MeanMa, and Wild. At the advice of the sage Daphne they are gathering the three items of Kormu (Sword, Helmet, and Armor) to destroy the biotechnical terror Dal Gren. After being teleported near a tourist trap the pair travel to the cave in dragon mountain. A cursory investigation reveals that the cave in question is in fact the rectum of a live dragon, said dragon has been pulling open his ass for the whole world to gaze into, and spelunk in. For the last ten thousand years. After pulling Kormu's sword from the back of the dragon it flies our heroes to the continent of Saskuot. A harsh hellhole of a continent ruled over by Lord Zaygos. We now return to our heroes, still covered in dragon vomit, and coming to terms with being left in the lurch again.

If you've got to just leave someone in a place full of enemies, I guess dropping them next to a healing spring is the least you can do. Hey Mindy? Wanna go skinny dipping in the sping? Wash all that dragon puke off? Yeah, I guess that wouldn't be very nice for the folks who try to drink from it next. Why do you have to be such as wet blanket?

There's nothing for it, we'll have to look around (takes a single step)

Here's a new enemy. I think it's called a splitbug. Every time you hit it, it devides. Also it shoots static electricity at you.

Well that was an interesting creature to encounter, right Mindy? (Takes another single step)

Wow two steps on this new continent and we're being attacked by dinosaurs. The big one is a T. Rex of course. The smaller ones are called micro rats. I don't know why they're called that. They're bigger than a Rat (even the in game enemy rats) and they're not even mammals.

Before I take another step in this deathtrap of a continent. I'm going to see if that Sword I pulled out of that dragon is a cool artifact I can actually equip and use, or if it's one of those stupid artifacts that you have to just lug around until the appointed time.

Success! I've got me a +4 sword of badassery now.

The good news keeps coming. If we follow this rope line it will lead us to civilization. Maybe we'll find a place we can clean off that will meet the girls' high standards. Its always "I don't want to befoul the holy waters." and "I don't want you're lecherous eyes ogling every inch of my smooth, naked, body." What a bunch of prudes.

Another sign of civilization; somebody's trying to make the world's biggest egg carton using the world's biggest eggs. They must be truly advanced if somebody has the time and resources to waste on a project like that.

Upon closer inspection it's a town.

Upon even closer inspection it looks like they hate us on sight.

Hey mister! Racial profiling is wrong.

Hey Lady! Not only is racism wrong, but I'm pretty sure you're just smelling the dragon vomit. It is pretty potent. My eyes are still watering.

Anytime racism is afoot, minstrel shows cannot be far behind.

You know, we should check the local shops for souvenirs. Postcards that say "greetings from the city of eggs" that kind of thing.

Oh God, right in the gut. I'm bleeding pretty bad here. I'm going to need some first aid. Mindy get the first aid kit. What do you mean it's empty? Well let's get to the item shop then.

Can't you see I'm bleeding here you racist prick? I'm getting light headed. A good night at the inn cures everything anyway. Let's just go there.

I. Am. Dying. Have a heart. Guess I'm down to dragging myself outside and beseeching the townsfolk for help.

Plese ma'am you have to help me. I've been gut stabbed by the local weapon shop manager and the bleeding won't stop. Even a spare kleenex would help. Anything absorbant for that matter.

Don't need random info. Bleeding to death.

Pardon me for rapidly becoming a corpse before your eyes.

Mindy. Please, just drag me into a random house so they won't spit on my corpse.

We get it; sorry to bother you.

Ugh, it's getting dark. So cold... my last chance is to take the rope network to a less hostile town, I just might make it

Oh that's it. Everyone either says how much they hate us, or just ignores me bleeding on their floor... why... do I have to die... a virgin... Mindy, there's still time... blow...
At this point I lost consciousness from blood loss, or Mindy punching me. This is the next thing I remember

Mindy explained that they dragged me outside city limits. Once there they saw this circus tent in the distance and took me there. The minstrels in the tent, who are themselves on tour from Naskuot, took us in and healed my wounds with their strange gypsy ways. After making sure I'd fully recovered, I decided to have a good wander.

Hey a merchant who isn't going to kick me ass. What a welcome change of pace. Though I'm not sure what the hell he's saying. That sentence makes no sense man!

Apparently it means he's charging me four times the normal rate. Gypsies, I should have known.

Why yes, I happen to be an ultimate badass.

In addition to being a wandering minstrel, you're also an archeologist on the side? I smell an unsold screenplay.

Merc Alert
Yes that's right amongst the minstrels we have a knife for hire. Here are the vital stats.

Fastjo is a knife man, though he doesn't object to whip use either. At level twenty-five his spell set is interesting, and he looks to be decent in combat. His speed and attack power both look good, but his defense is lacking.

Jo is the only new Merc available this time, so let's move on to the incumbents. You know how it works, if we want to get Fastjo on the team one of these two will have to be dismissed.

MeanMa is just an Ex-Con victim of a clerical error who's trying to reunite with her kids. Currently she is the big hitter of the two mercenaries on our team

This pink haired anime stereotype enjoys being underage, making boys sad, and generally acting like she's too good to for you. Then proving it by getting drunk and sleeping with any random guy around at the time who isn't you. She's pretty much every pretty girl you nerds knew in high school and college. She is a water magic specialist, but can also shoot a mean set of arrows when the situation warrants it.

That finishes up our selection for this round. The polls will be open until around noon to one Pacific time. Thanks once again to everyone who reads or contributes to this thread. You guys are the ones who make this kind of thing worth doing.

So who's it going to be? (An Pan is so awesome I've got to use a thesaurus to describe how puissant she is.)

Chapter 8, Part2/2

With this update chapter eight concludes. Let's look again on our friend Johnny as he considers his next move.

Sorry Fastjo, but the power of jigglin' jubblies compels me to keep the team as is for now.

Guess there's nothing for it, but to check those sacred grounds for the helmet. It was east right?

That fenced off area below the next ridge looks promising. Let's investigate.

We're always twisting and turning back on ourselves. Whoever designed these roads is having a good laugh at our expense I bet.

We're finally here. Let's see what was so important that they had to build a big ass fence.

Make that a big ass fence and a series of moats. Must be something good. I'm so stealing it!

Hey a treasure! (that's a long boot for those who don't speak abbreviated Japanese to English translation)

Another treasure chest. (A card item is good. It increases a characters affinity for a certain element. It beats the hell out of grinding for it.)

New enemy, the ZMaster. They just sort of stand there and mostly attempt ineffective status effect spells on our party.

I'm detecting a pattern here. There's a treasure on every corner of every layer of this poorly guarded fortification.

This item is crap

This on the other hand, is great. The high bottle is the first upgraded potion bottle I've gotten. This is good as my mini bottles were becoming laughably ineffective.

Time for a short treasure montage.

At the center of all these walls and moats we find a small structure leading down. No doubt into a subterranean maze, filled with monsters of horrible strength, and puzzles complex enough to drive a man mad.

Or a room with one guy in it.

Well I was going to ask if you knew where that helmet was. Thanks for saving me the trouble. Now we can just skip to the ass kicking.

This boss' gimmick involves calling help, lots and lots of help. He called in one guy before I could even get a screencap.

*poit* another one

You'd think there was some gimmick to beating this guy, but if you watched five minutes of anime in your life you know the real way to beat him. If you can't solve a problem by hitting it, there isn't some cerebral solution. You just aren't hitting hard enough.

That's when you have the women you're traveling with kick 'em inna nuts.

Now let's see what goodies he's got in that box.

I was supposed to get Kormu's helmet (hm), this is his hat (ht). It even says John Deere on it. Well if anyone asks I'll tell them that headgear is headgear.

I learned my lesson last time. This is going on right away.

Now that minstrel lady said she wanted to see this thing. Hopefully this ratty old hat will convince her to show a little boob.

(Incidentally, that ratty old hat heals 300 hit points when used in combat.)

Hey lady check out what I'm sportin' on my dome.

Well I was hoping to see your ta-tas, but a disguise would be good too. Also, directions are helpful.

I just don't see how a little piece of cloth will help is get onto the rope network.

Oh, that's actually quite elaborate.

Okay let's see if this works. Everyone just act natural. Remember, we're four fat, male, circus performers who are on the way to the throne of immortals to do a show, and are in no way going to steal the armor of Kormu.

He didn't even get a chance to screw it up. I was hoping for some hijinks while we were in theses fat suits.

There is no additional security in the rope network terminal. This won't ever lead to disaster.

And we're off to loot some more ancient sites.

Once again this is a very nice view.

Anybody wanna make out?

Come on not one of... What the hell is that?

Okay I admit it, I'm impressed. That is one impressive structure.

I guess this is our stop.

To Be Continued

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I scouted ahead into the town a bit, and I didn't see a tavern, so i'll likely do all of chapter nine in one shot. The dowside to that being it won't be up until tomorrow.