The Let's Play Archive

Paladin's Quest

by Stayton

Part 10: Adventures on the Highlander Throne

Hello again. Welcome to another chapter in Let's Play: Paladin't Quest I'm your host Stayton. I thought I might start this chapter by giving a more extensive than usual summary of the events so far. (All drawings are provided by Angelic Panacea, the most radical person in the history of all that is radical)

This forlorn looking fellow is Johnny. He is thirteen years old. On a dare from a schoolyard chum Johnny pushed a button at the top of a mysterious tower his school was built under. This unleashed the terrible monster Dal Gren into the world. It killed all of Johnny's classmates as the first step in a tour of global destruction. Johnny has been charged by his one surviving teacher with stopping the creature.

This pensive looking young lady is Mindy. Also thirteen years old, she has a mysterious past. Johnny began his heroic career by rescuing her from the hands of kidnappers under the employ of lord Zaygos. A big jerk who rules the southern continent Saskuot. She felt fate brought her and Johnny together, and so convinced him that she should come along on his adventure.

Their relationship can best be summed up as follows.

Mindy gives Johnny funny feelings in his pants. Too bad for him he's exactly as charming as you'd expect a thirteen year-old boy to be. Together they have saved many towns across the northern continent Naskuot. In their short career as adventurers they have put down insurrections, killed hippies, stopped rebelling livestock, and diverted floods of lava. They have not done all this alone however.

Accompanying them is an ever changing group of mercenaries. The makeup of which, for better or worse, lies in the Hands of Johnny

The first leg of Mindy and Johnny's quest saw them searching across Naskuot for the sage Daphne. A wise woman said to know the method for defeating Dal Gren. After chasing her all around the continent they finally catch up to her at her personal retreat on the equator. She tells them that in order to destroy Dal Gren they must gather the three legendary items or Kormu; his sword, helmet, and armor. They acquired the sword first, during an adventure in a cave that turned out to be the asshole of a dragon. Most recently they acquired the helm of Kormu on the continent of Saskuot. A land so hostile the shop keepers gut stab you on sight.

We return to our heroes as they have just arrived at the Throne of the Immortals. Said to be the resting place of the armor of Kormu.

End of the line. So this must be the Throne of the Immortals. When we were heading in I didn't really see anything throne like about it. Maybe it should be called The Big, Impressive Looking Techno Mountain instead.

That's fine I'm sure someone will fly me out of here and drop me in some out of the way place when I'm done with my business anyway. Let's see where the hell we are

It's another egg town. Joy, more racists.

So what you're telling me is that this town is legendary in it's own folklore? Well that only makes sense. You aren't going to sit around and tell a bunch of stories about how some other town is really nifty. That just wouldn't make for good local folklore.

Everyone remember our cover story. We're a quartet of overweight male vaudevillians here to perform for a local charity. Then we all start flailing our limbs and falling over like that's our act. We just keep doing that until whoever is suspicious of us gets bored and leaves.

Oh that's a relief

Let's get these fat suits off.

You know we still haven't washed off that dragon vomit yet. Let's see about staying at the inn. If I'm lucky the strange Saskuot culture believes strongly in communal bathing.

Well that's a bit steep for an inn, but not if there's communal bathing. I'll pay your price good sir.

Rough huts? The what now? Door to the right you say?

I'm beginning to think they'll be no communal bathing at all.

Well after a night in the stables we are now covered in dragon vomit, and the dung of the ignoble gobu. Primary herd animal for most the world.

I hate to break it to ya lady, but if the minions he keeps throwing at me are any indication, he's not capable of doing a sit-up, let alone stopping world spanning disaster.

Let's see what is in this random, unmarked house.

This is certainly different.

Hey there blue midget. What gives with the architecture?

Revive? I don't know what you're talking about. We just go back up to one hit point when combat ends.

Yeah that's what I just said shorty.

Well that was weird. After everything else I've been through lately though I'm just glad that this strange encounter didn't involve dragon ass or someone trying to kill me.

The merchants here seriously overcharge. This town is full of people who don't think they're racist but are. These are often the biggest racists of all.

Thanks for telling me about the big beefy boss I'm going to fight at the top of the mountain. Though how a guy named Jo-An can even leave his house without dying of shame is a mystery to me.

It's time for us to scale the crap out of this mountain, and kill the hell out of Jo-An. Sure I'll pay your fee. You must be this tall to ride the massacre express.

Killing my way up the throne of the immortals was easier than I though. In fact it was a really short trip.

Now we're eyeing this guy. No doubt this is the legendary Jo-An. We have formulated a winning battle strategy. Ready everyone? CHARGE!!

Kill him! Don't give him a chance to change into some giant fiend capable of kicking all our asses!

The what now?

You're just giving it to me? What a let down. I was going to kick your ass, I had it all planned out and choreographed like a martial arts movie. MeanMa strapped me into a wire harness and everything. I was gonna float around and kick you in the face! It was gonna be awesome. You are such a killjoy. You sure you don't what to put up just a little bit of a fight?

While your promise of a free legendary artifact is nice, gamer regulations require me to fiddle around with this door before I take it.

I'm sure we won't be coming back here, nope, not ever.

Hey it really is Kormu's armor and not some kind of trap.

Oh Jo-An moved back into his original position, blocking us in here! That must mean that he wants to fight me now, and giving me the armor was all part of an elaborate deception. Okay, we must kung-fu fight!

First though I'm going to put on this nifty armor. (The special effect of this armor is to do about fifty physical damage to a target. I don't know what good that's supposed to do.)

Yes, so now you must fight me to prove your loyalty to Zaygos. I know the drill.

Fine, I'll give you the clothes if that will lead to me fighting you. Allowing me to show off my combat prowess, which in turn will get all the lovely ladies behind me all hot and bothered.

You're putting on the actor's clothes? There isn't going to be any fighting is there?

Why didn't you tell me this was all part of an elaborate escape scheme right off the bat. You're the king of combat blueballs Jo-An

Yeah good luck in your future acts of giving people the run around.

Here we are again in another underground chamber. I'm beginning to think this whole planet is hollow.

I don't know much about boats, but I'm pretty sure this isn't a canoe.

Now that we've shoved off from the dock, does anyone know how to actually operate a boat with sails? No? Yeah that's what I figured. Well let's see where we drift.

You know, being on this long, romantic boat ride really makes me think. Any of your girls want to make out?

Okay we lucked out and made it ashore, but where are we?

Oh hey, it's Daphne's cave.

Ding-Dong! We're back, and we brought all those fancy relics you wanted!

I'm real sick of that attitude you're copping Daphne. I gathered all these stinking items, got stabbed in the gut, and vomited out a dragon's mouth for my trouble. Now let's make with the world saving so Mindy swoon's at my heroics and jumps me on the spot.

That's it, tell the ladies what hot shit I am. Hear that, you should be lining up to get on this. You must be mentally defective. That's what they taught me in school about girls that won't put out. They must be re-educated, with cock.

Oh you bitch! If you'd given me better directions and a more accurate teleport this wouldn't have happened. I've half a mind to send you on a long dangerous quest to retrieve me a fresh pair of underpants. To teach you a lesson about wasting people's time. Now what went wrong now, and how is it my fault?

Worse than Dal Gren? I don't know if you're keeping track lady, but Dal Gren is pretty much the worst thing ever. You need to get your priorities recallibrated because they're way out of allingment.

Yeah I'm familiar with the guy. He's an asshole of limited competence.

So he built a mini Dal Gren. See lady, Mini Dal Gren is not as bad a actual Dal Gren. Nevertheless, I guess I have two terrifying machines of unspeakable doom to stop now don't I? Because God knows nobody in Naskuot could, I don't know, mobilize an army to fight this guy.

Okay I get it Noi Gren gets priority for now. Just tell me where to stick my new stabbin' sword!

You're quizzing me again? What, do you think I'm retarded? I was a gifted student of the magical arts before all this started you know.

Test aced! Now let's get on with this.

A tunnel, all the way under the ocean? This is going to be a long walk isn't it?

Yeah they like to stab you and make you sleep in crap. I was just there you old bat! Don't you remember?

Okay let's get through this thousand mile tunnel real fast okay.

Okay that was fast. Of course we once again have no idea where the hell we are.
To be continued!