Part 6: Did anyone actually playtest this?Nah forget that! Hiatus sounds lame. Let's take a look at THE LAST KING OF AFRICA: iOS EDITION
This is some kind of horrible garbage port of Paradise made by a group of monstrous assholes. Please note I will be typing text exactly as it appears in the game, including formatting/spelling/grammar issues. Let's begin!
Off to a rip-roaring good start. This pop-up ad happens every single time you load the game, so get ready to click through it a lot. It also lags out input to the main menu so when you click to close it you may also select a bunch of shit you didn't mean to.
Here we have the first cutscene of the game. All cutscenes are just black with the audio ripped from the game playing over them. I have no idea what people unfamiliar with the game make of this.
...head and flashing images of the accident. Everything's a bit fuzzy.
Okay, let's ignore all that green glowing uranium shit for a second and look around.
We can take the key off the table, but nothing else is interactive.
Backing out, I try tapping on one of the glowing green things.
...beautiful emeralds were kept in Switzerland. The chest holding them was taken to our heroine's plane unbeknown to her and its content spread all over the territory of Maurania before the final crash.You will find them throughout your adventure.Find the emeralds throughout your adventure to unlock bonuses!
Here we have the first of the fucking fantastic writing from the port team. Everything about the emeralds gimmick is just awful. They're not well hidden, there's a fuck load of them to find, and I just don't care about what they unlock.
Anyway let's get the hell out of this room.
Let's look at the counter on the right.
This bit is identical to the game. Take the lighter, then head down the hall to the left to the locked door where it's too dark to use the key.
Oh yes, here's our objectives screen. There's no reason to look at this ever.
After tapping the lighter in our inventory to equip it we can light the lamp.
That weird wrench that looks like the BLU team logo means you can interact with a puzzle, in this case using the key on the lock. This interface is a disaster. You tap once to highlight an object, then you have to tap again to click on the wrench. A lot of times this just recenters your highlighted area and doesn't complete the interaction. Remember this fucked up interface for later, it's important.
We open the door and find Aicha! The only way characters animate in this game is with weird blinking or flapping lips, but even this is shittily done. The artifact next to Aicha's face is from her single-frame blinking animation. Every character has giant shitty artifacts like this on their face.
...I can't remember how it got there.
...everything will get better.
...important...something vital. I must try to remember...
Blah blah blah, we've seen and heard all of this before. I'm going to start only highlighting dialogue when it's weird/insane from this point forward, because damn are these girls chatty.
Aicha explains that we need to get permission from the prince to leave, but that he isn't seeing anyone except for his favorite right now. He's not sick or anything, just an asshole. Aicha then goes on to come up with the entire idea of dressing as the favorite, saying she'll be happy to find the ingredients for the perfume and steal the dress.
I think Aicha just really fucking hates the favorite.
Then we teleport to the alchemy tower! Sweet let's go.
The Barbary Water has somehow transformed into Barbaric Water! I just, I just don't
Here are the gardens. It's hard to explain what's so fucked up here, but the primary problem is all of the areas are connected together backwards. I'm familiar with this area now from the game, and this is a nightmare.
For example, tapping on the walking icon on the stairs there should take me back up to the fountain area I just came from, right? You actually need to tap the walking icon at the bottom of the screen to get there. You can tell that from this one screenshot as paths you've already taken turn blue. This leads to me becoming really frustrated and going back and forth between areas a lot.
I can't recall what I clicked from that previous screen to get here, but this was a static image with leopard sounds playing over it.
Oop, there's our Madargane flower. We scoop that fucker up.
Again you can see the incorrect pathway we just came from. This drives me up a damn wall.
Great work Anne. Once I fumble my way back to the alchemy tower, Aicha tells us she'll be the lookout while we make the perfume.
Now for five solid minutes of seeing this message over and over. You would think it was indicating I had to use the ingredients in the order of the book, but that didn't seem to do anything. Tapping all over the still with each ingredient at random was what worked eventually. No, it didn't resemble the order from the book at all. No, you didn't have to put them in a specific part of the still. I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on here.
Uh, okay Aicha. Seeing the fire...? Yeah nevermind.
Oh good we've found the favorite.
And now we have to fucking hunt for pieces of her stupid steam bath medallion. Aces.
There are two pieces of the medallion on this screen, they're those shitty looking gray blobs in the center and to the bottom left. While grabbing the medallion pieces I went to see if Anne has any insightful commentary on the steam bath mechanisms:
The puzzle is identical to the one in the PC game. Insert token, receive punchcard...
Do this idiocy with the spinning wheels and the light pattern...
Get the rag, light her up and... uhh..
Another stellar audio-only cutscene. This one is even more impossible to understand as it's just the clanks of the boiler.
...ready for when I get out of the vapor bath.
aaAAAAAAAHHH Oh my god Souafi what in the hell happened to you?! Why does she have T-rex arms?!
We tell this deformed weird version of Souafi that the favorite wants her dress ready, and she goes off to handle it.
Upstairs we can look at the door, but we don't know the code yet. Unfortunately...
This screen. This screen right here is the end. The game is broken here and I cannot go further. Let me try to explain why.
Please recall Anne needs to climb into that giant basket there to see the door code. Getting into that basket uses that horrible wrench interface I highlighted towards the beginning of the update. I simply cannot get the wrench icon to activate, it just recenters my cursor, over and over again. I can't get inside the fucking thing.
Even worse, just like in the pc version, this screen at the top of the stairs is totally fucked up. If you're on this screen for longer than about 3 to 4 seconds, the music starts looping over itself and the game completely freezes. It remains frozen, with the music horribly stacking on itself over and over. This means every time I try to get in the basket, I have 4 extremely frantic seconds of smashing on that horrid wrench interface before the game shits itself and I have to restart it. I have tried this at least 50 times now with no success.
Now that I'm writing this update, the idea occurs to me to try the door code solution from the PC version. If that doesn't work, we sure have The Last King of Africa: Episode 2 all ready to go on my phone!
(Oh my god this shit is so fucking terrible aaAHAHGHGHHHH)