The Let's Play Archive

Parasite Eve

by Crowetron

Part 8: Episode 8: Totally Accurate Science

Episode 8: Totally Accurate Science

Last time, I put off writing this update because the only transcript of the game I can find online doesn't have this scene, and I didn't really want to manually copy the following massive fucking infodump from screenshots. This time, I do that anyway.

Actually, we were about to go talk to an expert in mitochondria, which Eve can never shut up about. Even though we have a different expert in mitochondria coming to us. But that asshole can wait!

This is the lobby of the Police Station, by the way.

Stepping outside, we find ourselves on the World Map. Well, City Map, really. It's kinda cool, and rotates around as you select different location.

It also has some bitchin' music.

We could go back to Carnegie Hall, but I don't think we'll find any biologists to annoy there.

Now, the Natural History Museum is probably crawling with mitochondria experts! Seems like an oddly specific thing to specialize in, actually.

Along the way, Aya and Dan have a chat.

: We're going to the Museum of Natural History. Dr. Hans Klamp'll be there.

I just said that, Daniel. Pay attention!

: Dr. Klamp... What's his area of research?

: Well, according to the papers, he's working on a new theory... mitochondria something, but it seems to cover the whole genetic spectrum...

: That's odd... To have a Ph.D and be working in a museum...

That's use ellipses instead of periods...

: Well, he's pretty anti-social and doesn't like to waste time outside research.

: Oh, GREAT... We're gonna have a grand time with this one...

: Remember that time we had to talk to that expert in mitosis? You shot him! You shot that man right in the foot!

: He was making gang signs!

: He was deaf! That was sign language! Anyway, that's not what I'm worried about today.

: Yeah.

: Daniel, why do you kiss the chief's butt? You two joined the force at the same time, didn't you?

: Yeah... But that was YEARS ago... Now, he's my boss.

On that note, we arrive at the Natural History Museum. Today, they're having an exhibit on video game company in-jokes.

Dinosaurs! Fuck the case, let's go look at dinos!

Approaching the front door, we encounter elderly Ben Stiller.

: Doin' okay... Pretty cold day, though... How 'bout yourself?

: We're with the NYPD. We're lookin' for a Dr. Klamp. He works here, doesn't he?

: Sure does. As a matter of fact, he's up there in his room right now. Did he do somethin'?

: Nah, we just wanna talk to him. That's all.

Yay! Dinosaurs!

Ever been in a Walmart at 3:00 am? That's kinda like a museum...of sadness.

: You'll find him in the research lab on the second floor.

Old Ben opens the gate to the stairwell for us, too. Didn't have to find a single crest!

: Thanks.

I decide to snoop around and look for dinosaurs items, but the Guard stops me, telling me we need to sign in. Museum policy.

I missed the screenshot of this because I am an expert LPer.

Dan yells this down from the top of the stairs.

: Gee, Daniel, you sure you don't wanna run down here and do it yourself?

: Notebook's on the counter. Thanks.

: Yup. That should be enough, unless you want to leave your number too...

Aya ignores that wicked smooth pick-up line, signs the notebook, and heads upstairs to catch-up with Daniel.

Hell yeah, let's just barge up in this bitch.

: Excuse me... Hello...? ...Hey...!

The good doctor is loudly typing away at his keyboard. And I do mean loudly. All we hear for a few seconds is just CLACKY CLACKITY CLACK.

Gah! Don't do that!

: We're with the NYPD. We'd like to ask you a few questions...

Klamp goes back to typing without a word. Aya and Danny simply exchange weary glances.

Like so.

: Professor, we're looking for clues concerning the incident which occurred...

: Are you accusing me?

Well, if you're gonna be super defensive about it then, yeah.

Oh fuck, flashback time!

: Y, yeah...Just the acid kicking in, is all.

: We'd like to ask you about the mitochondria research you've been doing...

: ...NYPD, huh? Why're you interested in MY work?

: The suspect mentioned that the mitochondria would be set "FREE". Now do you...

: "FREE"? Like in all caps?

: Yeah, it was weird.

: That suspect ignited people without laying a finger on them... Then it transformed into some kind of creature and ran off.

Should we really be telling people about the crazy monster part? The fire mage bit is bad enough.

: Since she mentioned mitochondria, we were hoping you could supply us with some info.

: Well, no. That's why we came down here to..

Gah! Stop that!

Theme of Mitochondria starts up here

: The mitochondria... possesses its own unique genetic code.

: It's own...? Are you saying it's a separate organism...?

Well, not necessarily. Even though mitochondria do have their own DNA genome, it's not as simple as...


: ...Kinda like a parasite or somethin', huh?

: PARASITE?! That's an interesting way of describing this most fascinating creature! WE cannot LIVE without the mitochondria...! Do you understand?! The mitochondria creates energy for us! Without it, we're NOTHING! WE are HERE because the mitochondria ALLOWS us to be here...

: The brain functions due to the interaction between axons and dendrites. This interaction is possible due to the energy the mitochondria provides. Did you know the mitochondria is capable of discharging 200,000 V of electricity?

: V? What's a V?

: Volts.

: Why not say "volts", then? It's still one syllable! Say "volts" you bastard!

: This not only pertains to electrical discharge, but also applies to heat energy as well.

Every time I play a Squaresoft game, I like to pretend any line of dialogue that only contains ellipses indicates flatulence. This made FF8 goddamn hilarious.

: ...For a human to burn and melt, 1600 degrees of heat must be generated. There are several hundred mitochondria present within a single cell... If all the mitochondria in the body began functioning at the same time... a tremendous amount of energy would be generated a released.

: So you're saying the "mitochondria" ignited these people?!

: Professor, you may be right in that we need the mitochondria to live... But in the end, we're just USING them for energy...right?

: Haha... You have NO idea. The mitochondria has control over an organism's growth.

Jesus, fuck, he's still talking?

: But when the cells between the fingers deteriorate, that's when the fingers first form. When the cells which make up the body aren't needed anymore, it receives a signal to die. This signal is initiated by the mitochondria. When it is relayed, the genetic information in the nucleus is cut off and in essence, dies.

: The same can be said for "aging". The mitochondria mutates 10 times faster than the cells. Of course, this also applies to mutant forms of mitochondria as well. When too many mutant mitochondria multiply, energy production level decreases...

: I stopped paying attention when he started talking about his hand. Now what is he blabbering about?

: I dunno, X-men or somethin'. I've just been thinking 'bout sandwiches this whole time.

: What kind of sandwiches?

: Oh, all sorts. Ham. Bologna. Maybe some pulled pork. Cheese steak.

: We should totally get some cheese steaks after this.

: But you're NOT saying that the mitochondria is doing all this "CONSCIOUSLY, right?!

: Nice save.

: When I said that the mitochondria could mutate 10 times faster than normal cells, I also meant that they could evolve at a rate 10 times faster. Since the beginning of creation, the mitochondria has been evolving at this rate. It's no surprise if they possess a power beyond our cognition. No surprise at all...

: ......

Are we done? Okay, let's

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Aya kind of drifts off here.

: ...a single woman in Africa. This finding was announced around the world. And with this, the mitochondrial theory spread like wildfire... You know what they call the root of it all...? "Mitochondria Eve". Splendid name... just incredible...!

Huh, what? Oh right, we came here for a reason.

: The suspect in yesterday's case called herself EVE...!

: ...?! WHAT?!

: Hey! If you know anything you better not be holding out on us!

: ...SHE called herself...Eve...? Sorry, but I've told you what I know... I'd like to return to my studies now...

Yeah, he's clearly withholding information! Let's kick his long-winded ass!

Wait, what?

So we're just gonna go? But he totally knows more than that! He's being intentionally evasive! He's a scientist in a survival horror game! Plus, he's German! The dude's like a stereotypical villain bingo card! We're not just gonna leave are we?

Oh, I guess we are.

At least I got through that whole update without once mentioning midichlorians. Wait, fuck!