The Let's Play Archive

Parasite Eve

by Crowetron

Part 29: Episode 29: Talkin' Bout Jizz 2: Revenge of the Jizz

Episode 29 - Talkin' Bout Jizz 2: Revenge of the Jizz

In an attempt to get out from under all these puns, here's a Saturday morning update.

First up, another little secret courtesy of forums poster dis astranagant. Remember the security room we were literally just in? Well, there's a secret passage in here, and the shadows on the floor kind of give it away.

You can duck behind the consoles on the right hand wall, which is where Aya is now. Back here, we find...

...a secret elevator!

The doors plain won't open on the 1st or 3rd floors, and we're on the 2nd floor now, so it's 4th or bust!

This leads us to the museum's secret storage room! In addition to extra skeleton replicas and displays, they also store handy items here for any loose cannon cop on the edge who might pass through.

Like this shotgun with a huge number of bonus slots!

Or this magic wrench!

It's kind of a shame such a neat-looking little room is hidden away like this.

At least we get this jean jacket that somehow protects us from poison!

Okay, let's get back on track.

Okay, so there's a giant zombie T-Rex loose in the building. We should probably just get the fuck outta...Hey, what this?

: Klamp! I am gonna shoot you so hard...


: I knew should've just come in shooting.

: ...Err... May I put my arms down now?

:, Daniel came with me part of the way.

Yes, where is the good character?

I love how completely awkward this line is. Aya's so disappointed.

: ...There haven't been any combustions recently, So I... er...

: What is it...?

: A gun? You finally got me a gun instead of a shitty little trinket? Oh, Maeda, I'm sorry for all those things I said...

: ...I hate you so much...

Way to change the subject, buddy.


I'm not sure why they keep saying Eve's name in all caps. Maybe they're shouting it in case anyone forgives this villain's name.

: It appears to have been made up of liver cells. He was culturing them in the past.

: What do you mean? What for...?

Once again, paper shredders have foiled us.

: But it seems Dr, Klamp has been culturing them for years.

Of course.

: He wanted to exclude the mitochondria from the sperm and create new sperm... Sperm with no parasites... Sperm with only the nucleus...

I don't know much about sperm, but I'm pretty sure living things can't, er, LIVE without mitochondria.

: Yes. He took the sperm that he created here and moved it to the hospital... There, he would artificially inseminate those who would volunteer for the experiment.

Kinda weird to keep a nine year old boy on a list that you're using to find someone to artificially inseminate. Kinda really, really weird.

Klamp's Theme

Oh, Klamp, I missed you so much

: What you did...! This isn't something you can get away with, do you understand?

Klamp arrogantly advances on Aya as he continues ranting.

: Hahahahaha! But sadly... you still have the form of a human being, don't you?

This scene is just full of great lines, from basically everyone.

See what I mean?

And then this happens:

Dr. Klamp brought down by kung-fu treachery!

I like how walking into scenes just in time to deck guys is pretty much Daniel's role in the narrative.

: Just in time.

: Honestly, I'm there's any bullets left in your gun. Are you feeling alright?

: Y'know that part in every Bond movie where the bad guy just blabs about his plan for no real reason? I figured he was just about to put us in some easily escapable trap and take off in a rocket pod or something.

Klamp eventually wakes up from Daniel's deadly super-punch, and fumbles his way back into his favorite chair.

: ...What do you wanna say, huh? OF COURSE I HATE YOU! Because of YOU, Lorraine's...!

: ...Lorraine...? Hmm... so I see that your boy managed to escape...

: That's what I was tellin' you before!

Klamp's so happy to have created an unholy abomination

: The mitochondria is passed on from the mother, but you see traces from the father can also be found in minute quantities... According to Eve, her sister in Japan was unable to attain her ultimate goal because... the father's side of the mitochondria caused a rebellion. For Eve to succeed this time, I created sperm without the male mitochondria DNA..

The apocalyptic threat in this game is directly tied to artificially inseminating a monster lady.

There was really no way this game was getting anything less than an M rating.

He just told us, Maeda! Pay attention, you idiot! GOD!

: That's been the plan for like...the last 4 days, Daniel.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for mad scientists, but I seriously love Klamp and everything that comes out his crazy mouth.

Uh oh.

: What...? What the hell are you talkin' about?!

Daniel and Maeda leap out the window

And Klamp bursts into flames.

This one line pretty much sums up Aya's whole character.

And this line pretty much sums up Klamp.

: Thanks for the key, Professor Batshit.

Here lies Professor Hans Klamp. He died as he lived: Completely insanely.