The Let's Play Archive

Planet Alcatraz

by bhlaab

Part 2: Locked Up Abroad

ALCATRAZ -- NOV 10 2507
Has it come to this? Locked up abroad, shovelling coal while kept by a man named Hamster who fingers the trigger of a 12 gauge with one hand and masturbates through his pockets with the other?

"Hello!" the mentally retarded lifer cheerfully hails from the corner.

This is certainly a setback in Boar's mission. Um. What is his mission again? He remembers going through a Mass Effect relay, sticking himself into a goo tube, and possibly intentionally crash landing onto a desert planet. But the underlying reason feels altogether foreign.

It is at this moment that Boar handily remembers the Quest Log kept on his person. It should have all the info we need.

Oh! Oh yeah! The space shuttle. I remember that from, er, briefing.

Back in the world of the present, our guardian, Hamster, shuffles on his feet uncomfortably. He's talked fairly tough up until presently but now he appears to be searching for a topic of relatability.

"Hello!" the mentally retarded lifer barks again over the din of the conversation, making the modest olive branch even more uncomfortable.

Boar, taken aback by his hosts' newfound compassion, becomes slowly acclimated to the subtexts at work when you're 'inside'. Hamster is, after all, no rodent, he's a man. A man with... desires. A man who, if anything, has proven that he knows what he wants and he knows how to take it.

Spider crawls got us into this prison, love's gonna get us out.

Unfortunately, perhaps Boar has made his move too soon and too publicly.

Finally silenced, the retarded lifer returns to his work.
Hamster checks his watch and mumbles some nonsense about the pre-made plans he had for later tonight that cannot be interrupted.
Adding insult to injury, a passerby fellow inmate gives Boar's chisled physique the up-and-down and can only muster a grunt of nonchalance.

Ashamed, Boar suits up and reports to his supervisor as asked.

"Oh... I was really hoping you weren't the new guy."

We've been in prison for 5 minutes and already offered up our asshole and gotten in trouble with the warden.

Wow, this must be like one of those new Portland-area prisons where they give the inmates bludgeoning weapons. It's an Honor System sort of thing.
I'm not sure if Boar plans on strangling the rats or if he simply has no filter between thoughts that should and should not be spoken aloud.

Anyway, it's refreshing that nobody tried to do a shitty fourth wall breaking joke like "Killing rats?? That sounds like the beginning of a video game!"
It's for the best as well since if you'll remember this game actually began with killing spear-throwing black savages. Anyway, we're off to the races ladies and germs.

Boar uses his keen Vampire senses to spot a man named Wolf from behind a closed door.


Heading downstairs I run into Singed. I mean Boar runs into Singed.

Ah yes, the Conspicuous Receptionist trope. His information still seems pretty solid, I was hoping that the similarity in namescheme meant Wolf would become a party member, now I feel pretty happy that Boar was kept from barging into his office shouting his nonsense.

Before taking care of those rats it's time to wander the grounds and soak up some information on the local culture. I did happen to spend most of my afternoon throwing shurikens at a gorilla, I probably have much to learn.

Wow, I didn't know everything was so complicated here. I should remember to thank these guys for their info.

Hey who is this?

Ah, my sweet Dandelion. Whose soft hairs billow in the breeze,

O_O .....*backs away slowly*.......o_O.... -_-()

In front of the warehouse one can find Pusher, and Pusher knows how to find you things.

He honestly doesn't do a particularly good job of hiding the fact considering he has a storefront and everything.

Earlier an inmate named Bully asked me for an herbal jazz cigarette. I didn't get screenshots but I think you'll get the picture through transcript.


Bully: Hey, do you have a cigarette?
Boar: No.
Quest Log Updated

Unfortunately even lifegiving potatoes seem out of price ranges for residents of the ol' greybar hotel.

If only there was something else I could exchange for some cat carrots...

It seemed to be going well until Pusher saw that Boar has those awful shoulderblade wing tattoos that Mexican chicks in pornos have.

Once again rebuffed in his attempts to be buttfucked in prison, Boar remembers that he's only a few clubbed rats away from a leadership position in this disasterpiece. With newfound resolution, he heads off into the nearest atomic blast.