The Let's Play Archive

Planet Alcatraz

by bhlaab

Part 4: The Excrement Special!!


Boar arrives at "Loo," ladle in hand.

Boar, place your mouse cursor over the excrement marker and press the action button to initiate conversation with the excrement.
Roger that.
Wait, conversation??

Hello, shit hole.

[PERSUASION] Please let me have the shit that's inside of you.

Boar is incredibly thorough, scooping through every corner for Dope's goodies.

In the end he obtains a Ring, some 6mm Ammunition, and a shameful erection.

He also finds out that he is apparently a spy. For whom, he is unsure.
Pocketing the ammunition, Boar decides to show Screwdriver the Ring he found. I mean surely it must be important if it was left in fecal matter.

If you remember the last update, Billy-Bob is not only one of the guys Boar needs a signature from but he's also Dope's chief protector in the prison yards. If Dope stole something of such import to Billy-Bob and it becomes known, it is prime extortion material.

Boar salivates at the prospect, and also because the shit fumes had burned away his frontal lobe.

"Oh, God," Boar thought, "Another mental case."

This wasn't how it was done in Vampire Squad. The powerful never forced the weak into positions of manual labor and the elitists didn't take advantage of the feebleminded's tendancy to leave personal effects in piles of their own shit.

Actually, Boar has no idea how things were done in Vampire Squad. But god damn it, he's no narc!

A hundred coins sounds good, and getting out of this prison sounds better, but "There's reliable and then there's shit-hoarders." -- Kurt Cobain, 1992
Look, don't worry about all that. Just meet me here tomorrow, give back what you stole and stop making hack Lord of the Rings jokes and we're square, deal?

Dope agreed and scurried off. It was going to be a long 24 hours of standing in one spot for Boar. Luckily for everybody else, the game faded to black.


I don't know what this subtitle means.

And, man of his word, Boar hands over the ring.

Covering up the theft would keep the peace between Dope and Billy-Bob.

Besides, this isn't the kind of RPG setting where a ring can give you +1 DEX so it's a useless bit of metal Boar found sticking out a mound of shite. Go ahead and keep it, see if I care.

With two of the signatures he needs, Boar's next target is Kurt who heads the Finishing Shop.

Outside he sees some of the real inner guards chatting. Outcast as always, Boar can only look in on their conversation from afar. Enemy of the people yet no friend to the machine. That's the life of a sycophant.

Silently, Boar slips inside to speak with Kurt about a John Hancock. I wonder if he'll require a minor quest to be completed before he signs.

Oh, that's not too bad. Just gotta get a new bucket of oil from... Oh, no.

Boar had been warned about Tootsie, and from the Boss-man himself!

In a world of stiffs Tootsie has been specifically labelled.

And Boar totally forgot to ask Screwdriver about his name.

Hey, this Tootsie guy don't seem too bad. In fact Boar'd say he looks t'be a reg-u-lar gen'leman, like.

Why on Earth does he have a reputation as a greedy, unrepentant skinflint??

Oh, god damn it.
Don't do this to me, Planet Alcatraz. Please, don't do this. I mean, I had a million Tootsie (1982) imdb quotes all lined up and now you throw me a curveball like this.

Actually, I'll have everyone know that 'typical Jew' Shylock here gave Boar the bucket of oil with very little fuss.
In fact, he's on his way back to Kurt with it right now.

Why is everyone laughing and glowing?? All I did was bring back this bucket of... That sonuvabitch!


Oh well, at least Boar got it signed. Outside the gaggle of guards has dispersed and in their place is this freak.

Wacky hijinks.

Might as well head back to the warehouse. The sooner Boar gets Tootsie's signature the sooner that schmuck can be forgotten about.

Fortunately all he wants from Boar is a person to kvetch at.

A quick trip back to Hoover with the bottle of wine and we're done schlepping around.


But Boar still needs a signature from that meshuggener.

One more on the list. It's Billy-Bob.

Boar sighs in relief.

Having averted any bad blood with Dope the past couple of days, there should be little in the way of conflict when getting Bob to sign.

Okay, maybe some conflict.



Boar struts the strut but can he match elbow to elbow with the hottest Stud this side of the showers??

Also he is hovering a couple inches off of the ground.

Oh snap, Boar.

Now it's ON

Thanks for the advice, bystander. I'll be sure to do that after I'm done caving this guy's skull in.

Before long, it's all over.

Wow. He IS a stud! He even leaves his shoes on-- very slutty.

A few things to note about the above screencap:
-Boar is carrying so many pairs of shirts and pants that removing Stud's clothes was almost impossible, some had to be discarded.
-Boar is still carrying the Shit Ladle
-See that blue ring of beads in the lower right of Boar's inventory? Those are some sweet beads. You can wear them.

You sure you don't want Boar to take a dump on a paper plate first? Fucking sick freaks.

But the time has come. Boar has officially become what he's always wanted to be... a narc! He couldn't be happier.

Wow. That's a, er, a quest alright.

Zvongendaba, you guys.


Boar clenched his fist. These miners were going to be tough. Tougher than anything he's ever faced before.

Wow, those are some tough guys.

But it's okay, because now he's part of something. Something bigger.

He's part of Hamster's crew. And NOBODY fucks with Hamster's crew.

Perhaps with more feces and racism (I can confirm that at least one out of the two makes a grand return in the next update)

btw, in case anybody was worried about this, imgur's sponsors have got you covered: