The Let's Play Archive

Planet Alcatraz

by bhlaab

Part 5: Peaceful Negotiation

ALCATRAZ -- NOV 11 2501

If you remember from last time, Boar was finally made into a guard before being sent to the mines to settle a conflict over magic pickaxes.

He's also got Gabriel and Hamster as co-pilots. For some reason Boar is in charge of this op even though he's the new guy.

Before long, they run into some dead bodies.

It's unclear if they are a result of this civil war amongst miners or victims of the working conditions.

Either way, time to loot!

By now Boar's pockets are getting pretty full. It's taking him an amazingly long time to get rid of his shit ladle or 40 pairs of pants. But that's not to say he isn't a cool dude, check the sweet bead necklace, brah.
Adding to the burden are some potatoes he found on a dead man in a cave, and a mysterious key.

Further down the tunnel they meet the leader of the miner seperatists, Zvmzocmckajc.

Yes, I'm sure you CAN repay Boar's kindness.

In fact, you can get started on that right away.

Failing the bottom of what is going on, Boar heads off to the other side of the mines in order to hear the arguments from Snivel who is a wizard. Somehow it's hard to believe that his testimony will help.

Back in the middle, near the entrance chamber there's mysterious door. Perhaps it holds answers, or better yet more potatoes and cheaply mass-produced pants.


Wait! If Boar recalls correctly, he does indeed have a special key! Perhaps...


This is the first time Boar has ever breached a locked door in his adventures. There must be some great stuff behin--

With that dealt with, Boar gathers his party and ventures forth, further into the previously locked passageway.

There couldn't possibly be anything worse than that inside...



Still, a clever victory is won, by hitting the creatures with large sticks a lot of times.

Better yet, Boar's instincts were right and these Phalanxesesx were guarding a treasure chest! What could be inside?

A revolver, an amulet, a shovel, some potatoes, a fedora that would go great with his anime wallscrolls, and a turban.

Wait. Wait.

"Hey, you that wizard, right? Check it out. Turban."

Okay... for once it seems that the situation is much more simple than it initially appeared. Snivel isn't really a wizard you guys, he was just pretending because Zachgalifianakis and the other new guys were trying to extort him.

But Boar wasn't sent in to play sides, his job is to barter peace. Arresting half of the workers wouldn't exactly help the mines. Unfortunately Snivel won't budge so it's up to Zeppo to meet him halfway.

"Boring? Dude, have you seen my turban and beads? I'm unique."

Time for a powwow. And me without my turban. Oh wait.

Things start off a bit tense, but Boar is a master mediator. Just look at the expression on his face. He's serious.

Uh oh, Snivel. You've been sussed mate! Wait, magic friend?

Snivel is so taken aback that his name temporarily becomes Snowball.

It seems peace has been won at last! And all it took was... extremely little intervention from Boar. Earning them ducats.
But what was that about a magic friend?

Something suspicious is going on here.

And there's a suspicious door going on over there.

Explosives! And that's supposed to keep Boar away??

Throwing caution into the wind he steps inside and...

There's a fat retarded man. Another one.

Hoover's brother? The beads slowly slide from left to right in the abacus that is Boar's head. So it seems the war between the miners wasn't about magic pickaxes at all! It was about magic kisses from Hoover's mentally disabled brother!

Goodwin seems intent on staying put inside of his miner harem, but Boar can't make sweeping decisions like that with Hoover's personal bodyguards looking over his shoulder.
And besides, the miners don't appreciate their secret being uncovered. They're ready to get mean. They are ready to get SO mean.

Fortunately some emaciated workers are no match for a man with a turban and a gun.

Goodwin, you alright pal? We, uh, we killed your friends...


Snivel and Zangief are waiting at the mine's entrance. Shit, who convinced these guys to work together??
Oh yeah...

Words can hurt just as bad as a gun.

But not quite as much.
Boar wonders what will make Hoover happier, the fact that he completely failed his mission to barter peace, or that he killed every last worker in the mine effectively shutting down production indefinitely.

Consolation Prize B waddles up behind.

Back at the prison yards, Hoover has some important questions.

Dude. Not cool.

Boar has a moment of clarity.

But Hoover seems happy enough to have his brother back. His wipping arm must have been getting hungry.

Wow! Another promotion! And a submachine gun! I don't know what those prisoner rights advocates are always bitching about, this sounds great!

But Boar remembers Hoover's final warning-- Do NOT Use Your Ability to Come and Go as You Please as an Opportunity to Escape

Duly noted, sir.