The Let's Play Archive

Planet Alcatraz

by bhlaab

Part 6: A Hard Day's Night


Boar, freshly returned from being beaten to a bloody pulp settling a mining dispute (by killing all the disputing miners) recieves a promotion and a pep talk from Hoover.

Sir, yes sir.

Boar has been promoted to Outer Guard, and is to immediately set off on the midnight rounds. He was given a cool black outfit and a Sub-Machine Gun that looks like a caulk gun made out of a giant wasp.
The heavy burden of responsibility is adding to Boar's encumberance so he decides a quick trip to Pusher is in order.

"Dude where'd you get all these pants?"
"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! not off of dead bodies NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!"

Afterwards the first stop on Boar's patrol takes him to the main gate of the prison. Surely it would not be prudent of him to attempt escape!
Upon entering he nearly bumps into a man named Hernia praying over a pile of garbage.

I'm Atheist, Deal With It (studio audience erupts into applause, hoots, hollers)

Moving on is Diamond, the guard stationed at the main gate.

Well there's a dead end.

Well There's a nude man.

Yes, there's a nude man: There's a nude man. Here's what he has to say.

Why, uh, yes Boar DOES happen to have been hoarding pairs of pants for just such an emergency.

There's a clothed man: There's a nude man.

Looking at this clothed nude man creates a piercing sensation in Boar's eyes and spine so he decides to continue his patrol.

Next up is to check around the guard barracks. Apparently Boar guards the guardsmen, which works out fine because Boar is totally corrupt.

Fara is another Outer Guard, except he is acting more like a Tenter Guard the way he's all guarding a tent, like.

What's up Fara?

Wow, a harrowing escape plan! Boar has always wanted to reinact the climax of Beyond Thunderdome, so he's in!

All he has to do is meet up with Tugrik in this abandoned warehouse, alone, at night, and telling nobody. Fara always has the best plans.

Uh oh! It was a trap all along! They didn't want Boar for his plucky ingenuity, they just wanted his gun!

Good thing Boar was carrying a gun.

Sorry was that your face geometry? My bad. *raises the roof*

Humiliated and halfway beaten, Boar decides to resume his patrol, which takes him to the Ammo Factory. There he meets Cracker.

Imagine walking into a small room with a man named Cracker and hearing someone say that behind you.

Fortunately he's only cornered Boar so his bitching can't be avoided.

Boss, what do you say?

Oh, continue with the quest? Good, great. Glad we cleared this up.

Pimple is also in the guard barracks, but before we see him Boar makes a stop off in the gym where he meets Melon.

"Hi, do you like my bloodied shirt? Guess what, too! It's MY blood!"

Boar has interesting ideas about life.

Despite his impulsive nature, Boar easily wins the boxing match because instead of boxing he hits them both with a large club.

For some reason I don't think Boar is compassionate to your plight.

Outside of Pimple's room is his underling-slash-secretary Buba

Hey Pimple. I assume these are Rash and Zitz?

Unfortunately, unlike the miners' dispute this quest is extremely rigid.

Threatening Pimple with either violence or reprimand from Hoover leads to the following:


Trying to hold Pimple at gunpoint results in the following:

Whatever happened to the Champion of Alcatraz??

So Boar reloads his previous save about 8 times until he finds the dialogue choices that count "for real"

Oh dear, is this a plan to unseat Hoover? That could turn out very poorly for Boar. Or nicely. Or roughly the same.

Boar uses his master haggling techniques to demand a price for his services. "Five thousand" "Okay" "No wait... Twenty Thousand!"
Pimple seems to agree, even though he is capable of instigating instant-lose cutscenes and therefore drives a much harder bargain.

But for now if we're going to work with Pimple our first job is to move the crate of stolen ammo he took from Cracker.

Thank goodness Boar is wearing his inconspicuous turban for this Op.

Oh. It was a trap. Another trap.

Good thing Boar still has a gun.

Actually, Pimple did too, a 6mm Pistol. And now Boar does.

Once again, Boar carries himself wearily to his next patrol stop: the coal quarry.Inside the only building is this guy.

A mushroom? Yeah, okay, sure. Just a fetch quest. Sounds good.

Unfortunately the only blue mushroom around is near the train. And near the train is this guy:

Huh. Seems the train takes the coal out of the prison and into Northern City for trade. Neat. Wait, out of the prison??

He doesn't seem like the type that will fall for Boar's sexy {wink} move, so instead Boar sneaks around behind some crates to get at the mushroom.

Being an Outer Guard doesn't seem to be much better than being a prisoner, now that Boar thinks about it. He's actually beginning to yearn for the days when all he had to do was dig through shit. Then he remembers that that was yesterday. How time flies.

Of course there's a dog guarding the mushroom. Of course there is.

Boar kills it and takes the mushroom back to whatsisface.

A familiar voice springs up from behind him, stopping his tracks straight in the doorway like the icy touch of a phantom's hand.

"I wish that guy would stop following me around," Boar thinks to himself. "This is already depressing enough."

You son of a bitch. You fucking son of a fucking cunt bitch you fucking fuck! You fuck you fuck your fucking mother fuck you fffffffffff

Oh what do you know, it was A TRAP.

Boar stands over his bounty, even more bloodied, battered, and beaten than when he started his rounds.

Midnight patrol was over. And what did he have to show for it besides a stained turban, an emptied magazine, and a couple of loose teeth?

Something has to give, and soon. Boar doubts he could maintain past another Graveyard Shift (oh, how appropriate a name!)

Outside the morning sun has vanquished the horrible night, and Boar has little else to do but report back to Hoover.

Shut up, Gabriel.

A promotion. Boar's third in two days. And with each one comes only more bloodshed-- namely Boar's blood being shed.
Boar needs out. He needs out bad.

And this tunnel he's sent to investigate sounds fairly interesting...



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