The Let's Play Archive

Planet Alcatraz

by bhlaab

Part 15: What Was He Making?

ALCATRAZ -- DEC 05 2507

Only two encounters left on the world map.

"Attacking Ostriches"
Sounds like a really interesting use of my time.

And this:

Last time Boar and Sullen held court in the Great/Grand Canyon. It appears that today they are headed to the Mediocre Canyon.

Just throwing this in because I usually don't. The loading screens have some fairly pretty concept art.

Upon entering the mouth of the canyon, Boar and Sullen stumble upon a man who wants their help. Sounds familiar.

So there you have it. In case you were wondering (you weren't) the babes on this prison planet aren't there because they are felons. They are dropped off in pods to be used as sex slaves by the prisoners. Nice. Unfortunately the latest shipment of portable holes went off course and landed in savage territory.
As you may be able to hear at the end of the video, that doesn't bode well for the girls' longevity.

Nobody steals our babes... and lives!
Let's hurry, I can hear them up ahead getting their asses kicked and running out of bubblegum!

"Pretty lady fell from the sky! Must...hit...with...shovel!!"

So the idea is that you have to find a group of women being beaten, rescue them, then lead them to the goal at the end of the canyon. The more women that survive, the more Vampire Squad gets paid.

"dear /r/mensrights youd think a gril would b flattered 2 b called a beauty in public but then she goes all feminazi just bcuz im also stabbing her w/ a chinese sai weapon??? wheres the justice???"

Even though there is nobody chasing them from behind, Boar is 100% serious.

"hey reddit sh!t is as f'ed up on planet alcatraz as it is in portland aparently! all i did was ask this girl her name and she starts making asumptions just cuz me n my homeboy are backing her into a corner and tryin too sweep her legs out from under her. ragecomic about aftermath will be uploaded soonish"

These guys get so horny that they kill two women and then start stabbing and shooting each other.

Wow, this brings back all sorts of memories, huh?
No. Come on, the end of the canyon is just ahead.
i'll be waiting for you hamster

So, like the pied piper Boar leads his gaggle of rescued young women into... the sex slavery camp. That's... sort of heroic, I guess?

That's pretty forceful, Boar. Besides, I think we all know where this is going by now.

What?? Wow! These slave-traders are alright guys! What a sense of honor!

Boar makes sure to leave the door wide open for future dealings with these rapists. This is a Paragon run after all and we're always willing to help those in need!

Arbitrary side quests finished, time to stop wasting updates time and head back to Blacky.

The Imperial Military has its offices in Office.

I probably should have told you this three weeks ago, but I rescued a soldier. Then we ran off into the wilderness and did some crazy shit.

But Hans, Vampire Squad's latest informant, is very close by. But it seems he's in a pickle.

He's apparently pinned to the wall by some town guards and an untouchable Overseer super-guard.


What's the deal, pops?

Not to get all Mister Talent on your ass but Boar needs that info.

But first...

Hey! It's Bounty! Sullen, remember Bounty? She's still here!
Of course I remember. How are you doing, Bounty? I remember being in that cage, it wasn't fun.
I wasn't let out, even to use the toilet. So I would just make on myself. Over and over, just making on myself.
Have you been making on yourself, Bounty? Of course you have. You've been in there for almost three weeks now.
I was in there for about a day or two and I was only in my underwear and I made on myself a lot. Three weeks? Wow.
And those pretty stockings, you're wearing. They must be stained with your makings. It's unfortunate how stained they are.
Bounty! Where is your husband? The one I sold you to? I don't see him around. Just you in a cage out in the middle of nowhere!
She hasn't said a word.
What a mysterious girl! Goodbye, Bounty!

Oh right, Blacky.

Well it sounds like Kruger is a swell guy and that they're all safe with the cannibals.

You sure are, Blacky.

"What do you want first, the good news or the better news?"

You have the opportunity to sell out Blacky here, but this is a Paragon playthrough so Boar doesn't do that.

Hans joins the Vampire Squad temporarily to track down the cannibals. Immediately as the dialogue box closes, the next area loads up.


Sadly it's not so much a race as it is a forest with a ton of apes in it.

Including a rematch with the gorilla from the first update!

This time: With club.

Unfortunately, this quest has one fail condition: If Hans dies, you get game over.
And if there's one thing a babboon with a knife loves, it's stabbing a Hans.

Boar is shooting at the babboons with a rifle and Sullen is chasing after them with a samurai sword, but still they go for Hans.

Eventually they are all slaughtered (by putting Boar and Sullen on sentry mode and directly controlling Hans to do figure-eights around them)

The Squad finally makes it to the Cannibal Village.

A little too close for comfort, to be honest.

Actually, Boar and crew saunter on by without as much as a provocation.

Okay, a bit of a provocation.

They freeze.

Boar doesn't remember being a monk.

I don't know what this means.

Okay, so they're just going to be... let in?

Nice place you've got here.

Hey, it's Martin!
WOW! Hi, Martin!
*Martin simply nods towards them, smugly and silently*
That guy is so cool.
I wish he'd hang out with us more.

Near Martin is Hans' daughter, Martha, in a cage.

This probably doesn't mean much to you but Martha has sold me lots of cool modified guns in the past so I want to free her pretty badly.

In the other cage is this fellow.

Kruger. I notice you are in a cage. You've likely only been in there a few hours, so I doubt you have made on yourself yet.
But you will, eventually.

Guess I'm not shouting loud enough.

But the get-together is interrupted by the grand poo-bah's entrance.

Wow, pretty heavy choice here. Stick around for the opportunity to buy Kruger and Martha's freedom, or go meet the head shaman and possibly get them killed...

Of course, this is a Paragon playthrough so Boar goes to meet the Shaman and see if he can help out around the camp. Maybe polish the sacrificial altar?

I don't think this is worth an entire video as opposed to screenshots, but Father Windingo actually says "Attaboy" instead of "Excellent" here. I thought that was amusing.

Okay, so a bit of a cop-out here as you can still rescue the captives despite leaving them behind. But, I did go far enough down the other path to see that refusing to meet the shaman is a legitimate option.

Boar is a good person.

Okay, so now Boar owes a cannibal shaman a blood oath. No big deal. Those don't tend to come back to haunt you.

Actually they don't because this is a really easy task.

This is what a Legionnaire is in case you were wondering.

His shirt changes color sometimes. Don't worry about that.

If you fuck up and speak or get the name of the wife wrong the party is fucked and the shaman shoots you with a magical game over bullet.

But it isn't exactly hard to get it right.

That was weird.

Get ready for some plot, folks.

OKAY so we finally have some information on that dang space shuttle!
I guess some prisoners are trying to get off of the planet. I don't know why it would be all that hard to just send them right back afterwards but there you go.

Gotta find a weird psycho dude to get more info of course.

Gotta go talk to the weird psycho boss dude to get more info about initial weird dude.

That's a lot to digest! So take a second if you have to.

A Second Later...

And then there were three.

Hey, bro... you want some clothes? I still have this weird cowl thing from inside.


Kruger is a Melee fighter with high Perception. High Perception would be useful if he wasn't a melee fighter. But there you have it.