The Let's Play Archive

Planet Alcatraz

by bhlaab

Part 16: Adam Kruger's Eight Stupid Sidequests

ALCATRAZ -- DEC 05 2507

I'm kind of bummed out right now because my ascending colon is blocked up with a lot of shit from my body and I'm having a difficult time scamming my internet bros into buying the new Duke Nukem Forever DLC for me. I hope neither piece of information colors your judgment of me as an LP superstar.
Basically what I'm saying is that I'm not sure how this update will turn out quality-wise since this is at the beginning of it and I'll be damned if I scroll that long road back up to the top once I've finished writing it.

OK, last time Vampire Squad added Kruger to its numbers and learned that the space shuttle they are apparently looking for is under the control of a militarized group known as the Legionaires. The cannibals have a guy who knows more information, but Boar has to seek out his insane brother and use him as ransom in order to pry that information out.

As always, the squad must return to Blacky for more intel.

I've typed Blacky's name so often that it barely registers as horrible anymore.

Wow, crippling your opposition by introducing a super-drug named Jet into the atmosphere. Where do they get these crazy ideas?

Boar, before we check out this human being named Valium, we should talk.

You're not going to talk about making are you?

Okay, so here's the structure of the game: You rescue a bald guy from a cage, then he gives you several mandatory sidequests before you're allowed to further the actual plot, then repeat.

Before checking out Kruger's missions, he needs better equipment than a ragged piece of cloth. Gracefully, the final areas of the Northern City have opened up.

The Taipen District, where the Asians live. Don't expect any crazy stereotypes, guys.

This is Yamaguto. If you think he's going to ask Boar to find his sword you'd be closer to correct than you may think!

I don't know how getting three men with learning disabilities to find your sword for you helps regain your honor.

Especially when the guy holding your sword is like 13 yards away just chopping at the air in the forest.

Vampire Squad plays with fire by directly and intentionally messing with Lo Wang.

The closest acceptable translation is "Die properly"

Which Lo Wang does when Kruger comes out of left field with a grenade toss.

And gets some equipment as a reward:

Of course, the sword must go back to Yamaguto.

Just try maintaining your honor for a day, alright?

This guy is going to backstab us, Boar. I can see it in his eyes.
That wouldn't be honorable. Let's hear him out.
Damn it, Boar, I wanted that sword!

Look at him, waving it at our faces menacingly, rubbing it in.

Forget about it, man. It's Taipen.
Dibs on the sword


Kruger, I thought you said there was a village of police around here.
Okay, I made that up. But a lot of times when I do that it comes true.
Wait, who's that?

Some rube gets all in Boar's grill.

This mysterious stranger shows a bit of tramp stamp to seal the deal.

This sounds like a trap, but I am going to do it anyway!

You didn't see me, I didn't see you. But if anyone asks, you saw me and I gave you this codephrase.

And just like that, he is gone.

See, I told you!
Ssh! Someone is coming!

They don't seem particularly mean. The police are our friends!

But, when they try to enter the camp to talk to Shersten...

Maybe they aren't wrapped around your finger after all.

Boar informs them that he has a message in a bottle for their boss.

Sullen and Kruger have to stay behind, making Boar so lonely.

Boar enters the village without backup.

As he marches through the police gang's village, they watch every breath he takes.

Things aren't so bad for Kruger and Sullen, though. It gives them an opportunity to practice their sweet poses.

If you let Sullen and/or Kruger wander into the village, shit gets real real quick.

What a classy joint you run here.

Boar was supposed to bring a thing?

Look how proud of himself Boar is.

Uh oh. You can tell Shersten is pissed when his forehead starts to Bloom.

You wouldn't shoot the messenger, would you?
(spoiler alert) yes they will

Tactful, Boar. Especially the way you rub your palms together, greedily.

Shoulda pyro checked him haha just a lil tf2 humor for you there the cake is a spy valve software gaben is a diabetes risk

We were just practicing! We were trying to do a friendship pose!
Man, NWA was right.

Okay so this is an interesting fight since they force you to split up the party and jungle patrols keep wandering by and adding to the enemy numbers.
Trying to fight a two-front war was too much for just my melee guys, so Sullen and Kruger make a Normandy Beach run to the cabin with Boar.

Holed up Night of the Living Dead style, Sullen slashes up dudes as they funnel through the doorway, Boar takes potshots at the stragglers, and Kruger loots.

It's a fairly decent strategy.

I think we have enough here to buy you some new gear, Kruger!
Already put on a dead man's clothing, sir!


I am willing to give up my dead mans' clothes in order to be a a warrior knight.
Your wish is granted.

I want to keep my chinese hat, though.


More adventure awaits in the great wide yonder!

Like this monestary.

Bullshit, you can't read my thoughts. Not while I'm wearing my chinese hat.

Yeah, how dare they just walk around killing a bunch of people all day.

Let's pray on Planet Alcatraz

Okay so the main guy runs into the church and boards himself in.

The monks in brown robes play keepaway and try to snipe Vampire Squad. The monks in black robes just run around like idiots.

After killing all of the brown robed monks:

I think Kung Fu has been really misrepresented, either to the citizens of Alcatraz or to programmers in Russia.

That shotgun has three barrels.

For some reason the Head Monk decides to shoot at the black robed monks running around terrified instead of at Vampire Squad.

Also he was wearing a black robe in the cutscenes and now is wearing brown.

Oh well, now the shotgun is Boar's.


That's it. You go through a place and kill dudes. I'm running out of ways to reword that.


Investigate a trade route. Don't know why Kruger would bring everybody here.

Oh that's right, he must have known they'd kill a lot of dudes.


Actually this one is a little more interesting than that. A little more. The caravan is in the middle of an area and Rogues spawn in waves.

It's sort of like a Tower Defense except without the tower and without building stuff.

Okay so it's nothing like Tower Defense. Kruger throws a bunch of grenades into the waves. It works fairly well.

Sullen wanders ahead and finds one wave of Rogues who aren't ready yet.

And just in case this makes you uncomfortable

The caravan Vampire Squad is defending is transporting sex slaves.

I wish for world peace. But on a different world, not this one.
I wish that the next part of the game is more interesting to show off.
I wish for a key!

Also I wish to babble about nothing.

Everybody gets their wish!

This shotgun has four barrels. I like how this is proceeding.

Oh right, I just remembered we're supposed to be doing things.

The city of Stoneguard opens to the southeast.

I do not remember you telling me that.

I'm starting to hope Demon is another Vampire Squad member, or this game is going to get even weirder.

Anyway, Stoneguard is a Legionaire town. They have old fashioned officer coats and

Cold Hanzo Steel!

To be Continued...