The Let's Play Archive
Part 22: Cookbook of Horror
Chic Trombone posted:
2 lbs ground beef, preferably 80/15
2 cups sauteed onion
1 cup assorted sauteed bell peppers
2 tsp mustard
1 box of chocolate cake mix
2 cups milk
3 tsp cocoa powder
2 cups hot fudge
Small-medium sized skillet
1 9x13 baking pan
1 bundt cake pan, large
2 mixing bowls
1. First, chop and saute the onions and peppers. While the vegetables are cooking, mix the ground beef and mustard together in the first mixing bowl. Your hands (after washing) should be suffiecient for this task. Once the sauteed veggies are done, mix them in as well. If the loaf isn't sticking together properly, add more mustard in small quantities until proper adhesion is obtained.
2. Arrange the ingredients for the meatloaf in the first baking pan. Bake it in the oven at 375 degrees Farenheit for 30 mins.
3. While the meatloaf is baking, begin mixing the chocolate cake. First, add the milk, then the eggs. Stir until it reaches an even consistency.
4. When the meatloaf is done baking, drain off the excess liquid and let sit for ~5 mins. to cool.
5. After the meatloaf is done cooling, chop it into chunks and add to the cake mixture.
6. Re-mix the cake batter, being sure to distribute the meatloaf hunks evenly.
7. Bake at at 375 until a nice, cake-y texture is created. This should take about half an hour. [Note: if a more fudge-like texture is desired, remove from oven several minutes sooner]
8. Remove finished bakemeat from the pan, and fill the center with the hot fudge. Any leftover fudge should be drizzled over the outside edges of the bakemeat.
*Note: The recipe for the meatloaf portion can be changed depending on the chef's tastes.
Well, I just got back from the store with my ingredients, and went to work baking... Something. I'm very allergic to milk and eggs, so some of these suggested recipes? Right out. And I was thinking, confectionaries are great, but what other confectionary could I use? This is volcano-themed, so hopefully something red, and yellow, and orange, and... oh. I have the perfect idea.
It's currently in the oven, so I can't post any real finished product, but I can show you my ingredients of choice.
Well, I opted to use Starburst candies (minus the pink ones), bread crumbs, and Blair's After Death sauce (because VOLCANOES) for the consistency. I didn't have a mixing bowl on hand, or a bundt pan, but I had a decent-sized casserole dish that I know won't blow up in the oven, so I mixed in that, after separately sauteing the vegetables (red peppers only, lava isn't green). It's important to note that the vegetables were chopped very halfheartedly, as befitting the theme. Afterwards, another nice coating of the hot sauce on top to make it just look nice.
Before I set it in the oven, it looked like this:
You can really just feel the effort
Initially, after taking it out of the oven, I was wondering if the candies had just melted into the meatloaf. But after digging into the center to confirm it was fully cooked,
It's, uh, certainly colorful.
I noticed that on the fork was a very gooey, stringey substance that appeared to be an orange starburst. I can only surmise that it's mostly melted in, but there are some distinct bits of gooey fruit flavor.
The real obstacle, of course, is the incredible amount of hot sauce I used. This particular hot sauce has a warning saying that it is to be used very sparingly, not much more than a few drops. I definitely didn't follow that warning for this one. Oh well!
After pouring out much of excess fluid and allowing it to cool, mostly, I began to dig in...
I am in pain. I like spicy food, but I am in pain.
You didn't forsee such levels of participation, did you?
edit: Speaking of which!
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 small onion, diced
1 rib celery, diced
1/2 orange bell pepper, diced
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
2 jalapeño peppers, seeded and minced
1 mystery extremely hot pepper whose name I forget
1 pound ground turkey
1 pound ground pork
1 tablespoon parsley flakes
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 teaspoons chipotle pepper powder
1/8 cup red pepper flakes
1 pinch kosher salt
1 teaspoon black pepper & 1 teaspoon white pepper ()
1 tablespoon oregano flakes
1 tablespoon basil flakes
1 large egg
1/2 cup ketchup (whoops totally forgot this)
3 tablespoons hot sauce
1/2 cup breadcrumbs (ugh also forgot this)
quarter-pound of bacon
1/4 cup water
1/3 veggie oil
Sautee the veggies, add garlic powder. Chill.
Mix other ingredients with meats; add chilled veggies.
(FORGET TWO IMPORTANT INGREDIENTS)
Bacon quilts are the comfiest quilts. Cook bacon to almost done.
Conjure brownie batter.
Add about a half cup of batter to the meatloaf.
Unceremoniously dump meatloaf into bundt pan.
Squish it to the outside.
Use bacon to build a retaining wall.
Add remaining batter to middle.
Wrap meatloaf over the top of the batter.
Cook on 350 for about 55 minutes.
(Forget to put on foil right away.)
Move to top rack of oven in final minutes to finish cooking.
Remove from oven.
Wonder why it looks like a festering, gangrenous wound.
Remove sanity armor.
You have no idea how spectacular it was to watch the chocolate melt into a pool in the center.
Not bad lookin!
That's all fine and dandy. Of course, the quintessential question: But how does it taste?
pardon the awful parody intro and the video and audio quality
THIS IS FUCKING DELICIOUS OH MY GOD
Chic Trombone posted:
Oh my fucking god you guys, here it comes. These are surprisingly fun to write.
2 quarter-ounce packages active dry yeast
3 tablespoons white sugar
1 cup warm water
3 tablespoons butter, softened
1 tablespoon salt
3 cups bread flour
3 Habanero Peppers, whole, non-dried*
3 tablespoons Chile powder
3 tablespoons hot sauce, the hottest you can find
Olive oil(to grease the dough)
1 Mixing Bowl, large
1 small bowl
1 other large bowl
1 whisk (whisk & bowl can be replaced with a good mixer)
2 loaf pans
1. First, prepare the halapeno peppers. Cut off the stem, and cut the pepper itself into chunks. Make sure to collect all excess liquid and the seeds, and put them in a small bowl. Crush the seeds.
2. Disolve the yeast and sugar in the warm water. Stir in the butter, salt, and 2 cups of the flour. While stirring, add the remaining cup of flour in 2 1/2 cups, beating well in between the additions.
3. Take the chopped peppers, hot sauce, chile powder, and the juice and crushed seeds and add them into the dough. Stir until well distributed.
4. As the dough pulls together, put on a lightly floured surface(cutting board, counter, etc.) and knead for several minutes to work the dough.
5. Add a small amount of olive oil to the other bowl, then coat the dough with the oil. Cover the bowl with the lightly damp cloth and let sit in a warm area so that the dough will rise - it is done rising when the volume is roughly doubled, and should take around an hour.
6. After the dough has risen, split the dough into two loafs and put into loaf pans. Bake at 375 for 30 minutes, or until the top of the bread is golden brown.
*Note- if habanero peppers are unavailable, substitute with what is available - the hottest you can find
The Heavenator posted:
It's time for....
Late Night Bakemeat Madness
I apologize in advance for the crappy pictures, I only have an old camera right now and the kitchen has horrible lighting.
All the assembled materials.
Ground beef and sausage
A crapton of peppers. For those who are interested that's five jalapenos and four scotch bonnet peppers.
Strawberries and oranges choped and blended.
Spicing the balls out of it.
Then the hot sauce and mustard.
Finally the horrible monstrosity just before it goes in the oven.
It is baking right now so the final pictures and video will be up a bit later. Figured I post this now in case this thing ends up killing me or something.
The Heavenator posted:
This is the meat fresh out of the oven. It quite literally looks like shit. This is very indicative of the final product.
The first layer of lava, the cherry pie filling has been applied.
The second layer of lava, hot salsa.
And the garnishes on top of the lava, garlic flakes and crushed Sweet Chili Heat Doritos.
Then, for good measure the entire thing was drizzled with caramel sauce. I give you Volcano Bakemeat a la The Heavenator:
And for your viewing pleasure, a close up shot that lets you truly revel in the pure horror this thing exudes.
And now the part that you've all been waiting for, me eating it. The video.
To elaborate on how it tastes more that what is in the video first let me say that it was nowhere near as spicy as I though it would be. It was still spicy but somewhat mildly so. I don't know if is due to the amount of meat I used diluted it more than I thought, or if i just got bad peppers. This might have something to do with my resistance to spice, my roomate who ate the tiniest crumb of it described it as very spicy, so take that as you will.
The actually meat cake wasn't all that bad, tasting mildly of generic fruit, beef, death, pain and suffering. Individually, the tastes did not mix at all. The sauce was the real killer. I really don't know if i can describe that taste. It is the single most fowl, awful thing I have ever ingested.
Now I feel like absolute crap. Immediately after the video I nearly threw up, I have no idea how my body keep it down. I ate three bites of this thing and I feel like I have a slight flu. I hope you people enjoyed this.
Chic Trombone posted:
Why, Epee, don't you know Glass is a delicacy in their nation? Sugar is expensive thanks to all of those export tariffs!
2 lbs sugar
3 cups melted chocolate
Large(9x13+) baking pan
1. Add sugar to the pot with a small amount of water, and set to boil. Watch the sugar carefully and don't let it burn!
2. Once it has begun to melt, add in the candy thermometer. It should be labeled, and you'll want to let the pot of sugar go until the temperature reaches the stage labeled "caramelization".
3. At this stage, cut the heat and quickly pour the caramelized sugar into the baking pan to cool. Drizzle with the melted chocolate.
4. Once the Glass has cooled, shatter and remove from the pan. Enjoy!
(I am making this LP cookbook happen, I am now determined. It is my goal.)
For my bakemeat entry, I opted to go on a small scale, but try three different things, like a horrifying Whitman's Sampler.
1: Cayenne Chocolate Volcano Bakemeat
I mixed a handful of ground beef, a generous pinch of Hershey cocoa powder, and 5 shakes of cayenne pepper into a bowl and mushed them together by hand till the powders were distributed as evenly as possible. I then shaped the wad like a bowl and put a Hershey Kiss in the center, pinched it shut like a dumpling, and baked at 350 about 15 minutes.
watch me eat it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ES25a6prJM4
2: Terry!'s Chocolate Orange Volcano Bakemeat
I pulled apart an orange segment, trying to separate out strands of pulp for an even texture. I mixed in a handful of ground beef and a splash of soy sauce to cut the sweetness and give it a little Asian flavor. As before, I shaped the wad into a bowl and placed a slice of Terry's Chocolate Orange in it, dumplinged it up as much as possible, and baked at 350 about 15 minutes.
watch me eat it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3pYkBwiZ5w
3: Vegan Volcano Bakemeat
Vegan except for the meat, of course. Going a simpler route, this bakemeat doesn't have any extra seasoning. I rolled a handful of ground beef into carob chips, made a bowl, and put a wad of vegan Nutella in the center (vegan Nutella was based on the recipe from here: http://epicurvegan.com/2011/02/15/vegan-nutella/). Again, dumplinged and baked at 350 about 15 minutes.
watch me eat it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8R6QJNtey8
all 3 going into the oven: http://i.imgur.com/lrskqh.jpg
all 3 post-cooking http://i.imgur.com/gbu82h.jpg
edit: pics and vids added. I had to eat each of these TWICE because my roommate wasn't actually recording the first time. Not really his fault; weird camera options I guess, but still a bit unpleasant to have to redo (I was CLEARLY unhappy in the first video). The first time they tasted better, the second time each of them made me feel a little bit more like vomiting, as does actually viewing the pictures now with this crap settling into my stomach.
The Cayenne-Chocolate one was the worst, though maybe without the chunk of chocolate it would have been more palatable. The Terry's Chocolate Orange one was the best, but I can't say I'll ever eat any of them again voluntarily.
edit 2: I derped up the links. Hopefully got it right now.
Today we will be baking Volcano Bakemeat with a variety of ingredients likely to be found in a goon's natural environment.
Volcano Bakemeat Recipe:
1 lbs Ground Beef mixed with
5 oz Doritos, Crushed
1 tbs Unsweetened Cocoa Powder
Thyme, Red Pepper Powder, Chili Poweder, and
1/4 of an Onion.
Bake for 10 minutes and then insert a Lindt's Chili Pepper Chocolate square in the center and glaze with a mixture of:
1/4 Cup Ketchup
2 tbs Chocolate Syrup
Curry and a dash of Worcestershire Sauce and some hotsauce.
Cook for an additional 20 minutes.
The breading made from crushed Doritos.
Into the Bag Oven Fuck!
The finished product. Note the resemblance of the onions and chocolate chips to rocks and boulders. The glaze looks like lava!
Full Gallery: http://vorpalsamovar.imgur.com/F6ZEF#AqxpB
Here is everything that I bought for this (Except that bag in the back)
First I get everything ready for the first part of it
I Put 1 1/2 lb Ground Beef, 1 1/2 cup Uncooked Oatmeal, and 2 Eggs into the bowl
I add 1/2 Cup BBQ Sauce,1/2 Cup Onion,1 tsp Salt,1/2 tsp Pepper,2 tbsp Gourmet Burger Seasoning,3 tsp N'Orleans Cajun Seasoning,2 tsp Fiery 5 Pepper Seasoning,
and 1 Tube of Wasabi to the bowl
After adding 1/2 Cup of Craisens I begin to mix it
Before the Oven (Hour and ten minutes at 350)
After the Oven
Adding 1 Cup Marshmallow Creme and Coconut (Visual: Snow)
Adding 1/4 Can Cherry Pie Filling (Visual: Lava)
Adding Crushed Oreos (Visual: Ash)
It actually turned out a lot better than I thought. The spiciness of the interior and the sweetness of the exterior balanced each other out fairly well. I was original plan was to have a piece of dry ice in a shot glass in the center for a smoke effect, but I forgot to buy some. I also forgot to add bacon bits. At the very least, I managed to get it to look somewhat like a volcano.
(Special Thanks to my Aunt for Recording the video)
Son Ryo posted:
Here's all the ingredients I used (except for the milk, I realized later the cake mix called for water instead)
So I started last night by cooking the meat in a skillet. (I know the original recipe calls for a meatloaf, but that's a bit out of my league and it was technically baked as part of the cake anyway.) Here's the meat after cooking.
This morning I made the cake mix and added it to the meat. Here it is before stirring...
...and after. This is when I added the lemon juice-- about a half a cup.
I then baked it according to the directions on the cake package.
Sadly, it didn't stick together very well and ended up falling apart after I put it on a plate.
After a bit of sculpting it looks more like a volcano. And there's the eruption (a piece of hot dog cut into an eruption shape).
The finished product.
And the payoff:
Unfortunately, I made the same mistake as the other guy and referred to it as a 'meatbake' while I was recording. It's still totally a bakemeat, though, no matter what I say.
The Deviations posted:
Behold my final ingredients and misshapen boobs! The cauliflower and broccoli tips are already in the proccess of bakemeatification.
I can make videos, but not take pictures. There's something backwards about this situation.
The Deviations posted:
After much fuckery from the interwebs, I've managed to upload my bakemeat just in...
My stomach hates my internet connection, I'll say that much.
EDIT: I FORGOT THE CHEESE AND BACON BALLS NO WONDER IT WAS MEDIOCRE
That's all, really. The ingredients were all top-quality, they came together and fizzled out. It was impossible for them to make a disaster. Just a sad, sad situation. Mourn the cashews, they deserved a better fate.
Chic Trombone posted:
Going to preface this by saying that I know nothing about drink mixing. But, what cookbook (or goon-version last supper) would be complete without a terrible abomination of a cocktail?
The Fragrant Surprise
5oz Jack Daniels
2oz lemon juice, fresh
5oz [insert flavor of choice, I'd use butterscotch] schnapps
3oz cranberry juice
2oz lime juice, fresh
Shake that shit up and choke it down, on the rocks or frozen.
The Heavenator posted:
Well goons, it's 40°C out, and what better thing to do than to bake angry bread?
Hatebaking with The Heavenator (and Telemarchitect)
This recipe requires the angriest knife
Start with 4 hate capsules
Slice them in half
and rip their fucking guts out
Their innards must be crushed but we do not have the implements
The whisk was a bad idea. The knife was much better (several arteries were sliced)
Goonfriend adds more hate to peppers
Concentrated hate mix
Making the vehicle
Goonfriend is mesmerized by sugar in cartons
Nothing witty. Adding butter
Add 1 cup of hate
Laptop with recipe froze completely, goonfriend makes sure it knows it's hated
Goonfriend's laptop cannot tolerate the sustained hate either and won't connect to the network
Not gonna lie to you about this so we wont
We used the whole thing
An abomination begins
A little blood
A roommate is scarred
The dark child of hate
which must be left in the dark, to rise
And a virgin sacrifice to appease the gods
Goonfriend adds final touches
While baking: Goonfriend was noticably concerned about the possibility of the hatechild making teargas. Soon after, his face was burning. It was not long before the spawn was done gestating. Time sure flies when you're hatebaking!
The hate child, finished:
It's tasting time.
Verdict: Shockingly edible.
Hello Goons, This is Nancy. I am currently filling in on the writing for Dave, as he cannot spend long periods of time staring into a computer screen until his eyes heal from their grinding.
This thread could use some MORE Angry Bread!
As we will be doing a filled Angry Bread the filling is the first and most crucial part. Here are all the ingredients for our chili filling. One and a half pounds of 93% lean ground beef, two onions, two jalapeno peppers, two cans spicy pinto/chili beans, one can tomato sauce, one can diced tomatoes with jalapenos, brown sugar, and assorted spice.
The chili oil helps when dealing with extra lean ground beef. And, of course, you have to dice one of the onions and spice the hell out of the meat together when browning.
This is going to be some very good chili. The leftovers for this are going to be the innards of our angry bread.
Finally, some Franks Red Hot Sauce, because I put that shit on everything! (Actually, he really does.)
The final product! This will cook in a slow cooker for 5-6 hours before our first dinner with it. Before it becomes the contents of our Angry Bread it will cook for at least another 3 -5 hours in order to evaporate any excess water from it. This will be followed by a cooling to prepare to be Angry.
The ingredients for our actual bread. We are actually making two different batches of Angry Bread. The first will be accord to Shic Trombone's recipe and the second will be based on a recipe for Japanese Curry Bread. I think you can figure out what just about everything is here.
On the left is Shic Trombones made at 1/3 the original recipe. The right is the Curry Bread, this is less spicy since I actually wanted to have something to eat for dinner... that was at the very least edible.
For the Curry Bread, after the dough was rolled out it was filled with chili. Dave originally planned on using this same technique for the Shic Trombone recipe but the addition of the hot sauce threw a very good dough base into the consistency of a sticky batter.
This is the pre-fried confection Angry Bread. FYI to anyone who might be trying this at home, it is best to use an egg wash (just a beaten egg with a little bit of water mixed in) to close up the dumplings. It keeps the frying oil out of the tasty angry filling.
I never intended to have a fryer in my kitchen, but thanks to this forum, I now have one. Thanks.
The finished products.
Dinner is served!
Close up of the Angry Bread mound slice. Let's see how this tastes.
Angry Bread Taste Testing
Chic Trombone posted:
Bacon was suggested, and my first thought was a baklava, so let's make this happen. Note: This is a huge dessert-thing and can be scaled down. It should be, if you actually make it, because nobody should waste that much good everything on this.
1 lb walnuts, ground
1/2 cup finely ground almonds
1 lb unsalted butter
3 cup white crystal sugar
1 lb thawed filo strudel dough
1 tsp lemon juice
1 tsp orange juice
Pinch of cinnamon
1 lb bacon, fried and crushed, as well as all o' that fat from cooking it.
large baking dish, preferably glass
a bowl to hold a shitton of butter in
1. Fry the shit out of your bacon, all of it. This will take a while. Once the entire pound is done, let it sit a bit. Make sure to save that bacon fat for later. Meanwhile, melt that pound of butter down like Paula Deen(ya'll)
2. While that's melting, preheat your oven at 350 degrees.
3. Start cutting your filo dough. The pieces that you cut to fit the pan should be laid aside for now, because that will top it off. (multiple layers, people) The rest of the dough should be used to line the pan. Butter the dough every two layers.
4. Take your nuts, bacon, and one cup of the sugar and grind it all together before pouring it into the pan.
5. Cover with the remaining filo dough, again buttering after each set of two layers. Don't butter the top right away - first you've got to cut the baculine fright into portion-size pieces in the pan. Make sure you cut through all of the layers, kids. Then, pour all of the rest of the butter over that shit.
6. Put it in to bake for 30 minutes, timed. Once that timer goes off, turn the pan around and start a second 30 minutes while you work on the syrup
7. THE SYRUP: Combine the other two cups of sugar with a cup of water and set it to boil. Once it's boiling really rapidly, turn down the heat to a slow boil and add the lemon juice, orange juice, bacon fat, and cinnamon. Stir constantly until the baculine fright is done.
8. Once the baculine fright is out of the oven, spoon the syrup over it. Let it set for about three hours to cool and absorb the syrup.
Once that's done, enjoy your sugary heart attack!