Part 14: Story Time With Keith Part Three: Stay Away from Sewer LevelsEvening, gents. Sorry I'm late, but I brought some new meat along tonight. This is Officer Morales, and she wants to hear some stories about Bonds.
Why do you want to hear about Bonds, Morales?
Well, I'm going to b-
Oh, everybody always wants to hear about Bonds. Bonds this, Bonds that, with his perfect record and his dream girl and...
Oh, can we hear about Bonds and his girl?
Yeah, tell us!
It's not that interesting, guys. First, they made out with each other in public.
Then, they did it again.
Then, their love lives were much better than yours will ever be.
(Is he jealous of Bonds and his girl? What a loser.)
(Shh, we need to keep him talking to get to the good parts. We have to let the flow of bullshit continue unimpeded.)
There are some other dates that were a lot funnier...
Snore! Get to the violence!
(What about not impeding his flow or whatever?)
(I got bored.)
Fine, fine. Let's talk about that raid you were in on, then.
That's more like it.
So, through Sonny's determined fact-finding and my brilliant deductive mind-
...brilliant deductive mind...
Hey, just because you said it that way doesn't make it canonical.
Shhh! Quiet, you!
...we tracked Bains down to a seedy hotel. I called for backup, and a warrant, and Bonds showed it to the manager. That's when all hell broke loose.
That's right. Right in the crotch.
So, while Bonds was picking buckshot out of his nether regions, this gorilla here...
It's my time to shine!
Of course, Bonds was still dazed from the shooting, so he just stumbled right in there. I tried to warn him, but he wouldn't listen!
So did that really happen?
Yes, how much of that is accurate?
I have no idea. I was reloading while Bonds was messing around in there.
You were... reloading?
In case the first one wasn't enough. Of course!
So Bonds was really eager to get in there, huh? Eager enough to mess up that badly?
He's pretty relentless when he's on the trail of a murderer, I'll give him that. And it just got worse after that, because we found out Bains had his girl. in fact, he was a little dazed after we left her place.
If I hadn't saved him, who knows what might have happened?
How'd you save him? Pretend he was the last one in the pack?
Anyway, after that he decided to review the evidence we'd gotten...
...and after a few suggestions from yours truly, we decided to go to the airport to stop Bains in his tracks.
How did Bains get so far ahead of you, anyway?
I figure this one, he slow Bonds down, like the millstone.
No, no, you've got it all wrong. We were going top speed, but Bains had this all planned out ahead of time. In fact, Sonny was in such a hurry...
Oh, I've done that.
We've all done that once or twice. Just causes a little delay until you sort it all out.
Well, this time Sonny was in such a hurry that he forgot he was carrying...
Oh, yeah, that's a good one.
And of course by now it was too late to do anything.
Well, he could have explained...
Or shown his badge.
Or say he was a-sorry.
Or shot him.
Well, he did try to explain, after the security guard said he was under arrest. But the guy kind of misinterpreted him taking his gun out.
God's honest. I was standing right next to him the whole time.
Bonds must be fifty percent lead by this point.
So I straightened it all out, and got us on the plane. Sonny said he could get patched up in Texas, and I didn't argue. He was a bit out of it, though, and kept wandering around the plane.
Now I've done that one.
Why am I not surprised?
What was he saying to them?
Oh, the usual. You know, "HELLO", "ASK ABOUT SEAT", "TELL ABOUT BAINS", that kind of stuff.
You'll learn when you make detective, kid.
But the flight crew started getting nervous about it.
Uh-oh! Whateeever will Bonds do now?
Well, that was worth a try!
He couldn't go in the other door, either, so he was stuck.
So, what, he gets kicked off the plane and that's it? That's not much of a story.
Hey, give me a chance. No, I smooth-talked the pilot into letting him back on, and he sat down this time. He needed something to steady his nerves, though.
Of course, I couldn't let that get past me.
I don't buy it.
Chiudere il becco.
Sorry, Keith. No good.
Wait, this is the place you guys draw the line?
Well... Sonny Bonds getting shot and getting back up is pretty unlikely and stupid. But Sonny Bonds drinking on duty... the day I see that I'll turn in my badge.
And my gun.
Oh, well then.
Alright, fine. Anyway, it wasn't too long after that that the terrorists showed up.
Yeah, they had some guns and a bomb. So Sonny leapt into action.
Oh my God, Sonny. A bomb.
It didn't go so well, though.
You've got him shooting hostages now? Come on.
Actually, I was trying to save a bit of face for him. See, what really happened is...
...the hostage slipped away for a second, and...
OK, OK. So he knows he has to do something, because the consequences if he doesn't are pretty dire. So he guns down one terrorist, but then the other one..
The other one?
Fine, he gets the other one, too. So now he has to deal with the bomb.
I suppose that's how I'd react.
So of course he wants to bring the bomb to me for my expert opinion...
Oh, come on. A bomb like that? The consequences would be...
Fine, smart girl. So here's what happens! He does nothing! Hangs around.
So everyone's dead now? This is stupid.
Alright, alright. Simmer down. Keith, what is it that really happened?
Alright, I'll give it to you straight. The terrorists wanted to fly the plan to Bum Aroun, Egypt for the glory of the Golden Sheik. Sonny shot them both, found the bomb plans in one guy's turban, then disarmed the bomb and saved everyone. Happy?
You know, I think you've had one too many, Keith. I'll take you home.
I guess it has been kind of a long night. I'll see you folks at the office tomorrow.
Good night, everyone!
Wow. So what is that guy's deal with Bonds?
Well, I think he misses having him as a partner.
Yeah, but Bonds changed jobs again and left him behind...
Seriously, what's with Bonds and his transfers? I wouldn't be surprised to see him in my SWAT unit someday.
So what really happened in the end?
He tracked Bains down to a sewer in Texas and shot him. Had to go after him alone, though.
Which was pretty dangerous. A lot could have gone wrong. That park is full of muggers...
Yeah, but Bonds could probably deal with that. The sewers, though... you really don't want to go messing around in the sewers by yourself.
Even if you don't fall in, though...
Oh, wow. I didn't realize the sewers were so dangerous.
Worse things down there for him.
Death AND shame. Or...
So Bains was waiting for him?
Could have been. It's not like in the movies, kid. It's easy for them to get the drop on you, if you OR the hostage make a mistake.
Wow. Sonny sure is lucky.
...here's what should have happened.
...you're not supposed to go anywhere without a partner, right? It's dangerous, and that kind of thing is why.
Yeah, I guess that's one way of putting it. Even in a straight shootout, though...
So it wasn't a straight shootout?
Ambush, the way I heard it.
Sort of. Bains shot first. But even with cover...
Oh, well. I'm glad he made it anyway.
Yeah, we all are. What the hell. Here's one for Sonny Bonds.
'Scuse me, guys. Bathroom break.
You do always find the worst things to say.