Part 86: Baba Yaga

Chapter 18: Baba Yaga


I’m a little embarrassed I forgot about this spell until now. Like Erana’s Peace in the first game, the Garden has a helpful spell hidden away for magic users. To find it, you first cast Detect Magic.


You can then Trigger the spell hidden in the pond.


The flower is, of course, Opened.


Finally, since it goes back down if you try to Glide to it, you have to Fetch the scroll.
And so, with plate armor, a magic shield, a paladin sword, the Protection spell, and the Honor Shield which only activates later in spite of getting it last game, paladin Nike is about as tricked out as he can get.


Hey, Nick, I’ve sort of got some bad news.
Anna? Have you seen my Anna?
Yeah, actually, but—
Anna? You have seen Anna?
Yes, but she’s only a ghost now. I was out in the forest, and I didn’t recognize her at first—
Anna is in the forest? Where is she? I must go to her.
She’s just to the southeast, near the graveyard. But isn’t it too dangerous for you? I told you she’s only a ghost now.
Thank you. I cannot thank you enough for finding my Anna. I will go to her now. I will help her find her way home. Thank you again.


Uh oh. I hope this doesn’t end bad for him.

*Later That Evening*


Ah, crap.

Anna! I found you! Anna…
Nikolai! I have been trying to find you for so long…
I never stopped looking for you, Anna, never.


I love you, Anna. I loved you from the moment you smiled at me, and I will love you for always.
Oh, Nikolai. This time we will always be together.
Forever?
Forever.

The ghostly apparition vanishes.

So what? That’s it? It was touching and all, but I was kind of hoping they’d at least notice I was here.


*Poof*

Sorry. We forgot you were here for a moment. Of course we must thank you for reuniting us.
Yes, thank you so much. Without your help I would have been lost forever.
We only wish we could help you somehow. This is the last time you will ever see us.
Aw man, this is not how I wanted this to end. You guys really love each other so much that you became ghosts?
No, not ghosts. I shall never again be lost and alone. Nikolai and I will find our way.
I have not been so happy since the day of our wedding.
Alright, alright. Hey, hold on a second, could I have your hat? I’ve got this…friend who wants to get the sun out of his eyes.
My…hat? Of course, I have no further use for it.
Thanks.
Hold on, I just remembered something you might find useful. There was some talk in town about a stranger moving into Castle Borgov several years back. There were many rumors about who had moved in. There was some talk of vampires, but I do not think anyone in Mordavia was actually killed by a vampire, so gradually the talk faded. I don’t know whether your path will ever take you to the castle, but I do know of a secret passageway to there. My grandfather once told me that there is a secret passage that leads from the Borgov Crypt in the cemetery to the castle. It was an escape route for the Borgov family when they were alive.
Hey, that’s actually pretty useful. I had to smash through the front gate last time. I’m sorry to see you guys go, but I suppose it’s good that you’re happy.
Farewell. May you never be lost.
Farewell. May you never be lonely.

The ghostly apparition vanishes.

So in the end, they get their happy ending after death. I still kind of wish it were my happy ending. But then I suppose I still have Katrina. Or Erana. Huh. I hope that doesn’t become a problem later on.

Not getting the hat from Nikolai isn’t an unwinnable scenario either. If you don’t ask him about it, the ghosts still won’t come back, but his hat can be found lying on the ground.


So, have you got an excuse for being here, or have ya just come ta keep me company?
I got your hat.



Hey, all right you guys! This guy’s o.k. by me. You can let him through.
That’s it?
Yep. Oh yeah, I told Baba Baby about your last visit. She didn’t exactly get out the welcome mat if you know what I mean. Anyway, once she got over her temper tantrum, she got that little smile on her face.
She smiled?
Oh yeah. I’d expect a warm greeting when ya get in the hut, maybe a slow stewing in her cauldron.
You sound way too happy saying that.
Oh, I am! I was getting kinda bored just hanging out here, but then you showed up. Now I’m dying (so to speak) to find out what happens when you and Baba meet again.
Great. Is there anything you might tell me about her before I go in and get killed?
Sure. We come originally from mother Surria. You know, big place just to the east of here? When Baba got the yen to get away, we moved to Spielburg, and you know what happened there. So we came here. She always had a soft spot for this little valley. Said there was a lot of Dark Magic about this place.
Everyone keeps saying that.
Only ‘cause it’s true. Lots of weird magic leaks outta the Dark One’s cave west of here. That’s why there’s so many strange things around here, present company included.
I suppose you might know. Everyone around here is too scared to tell me much about the Dark One.
Hey, try reading some history books. This valley was famous ‘cause some cult tried to summon a Dark One here. That’s plenty bad juju, even by Baba Yaga’s standards.
Even Baba Yaga is scared by the Dark One?
Whoa now, did I say scared? No. But she ain’t crazy enough to go summon one, either. Dark Ones live in some sorta other dimension. They feed off energy, any kind of energy. They more or less sweat Dark Magic, which twists and mutates things around them. That’s why Baba Yaga feels so at home here. Just enough Dark Magic to make life interesting, and no real Dark One to make things too dangerous.
Hopefully I can help keep it that way. I’ll go in now.
Hey, it’s your buffet.


What the?
Ha ha ha! Did I mention that the hut’s been flighty lately? It probably blames you for having to fly all the way from Spielburg.
So how do I get it to like me?
I dunno, give it something that birds like, maybe.
Well, I’ve got an ear of corn.


Man, that ear was huge.


*Insert disturbing chewing noises*

Here goes.


You have a sense of doom hanging over you. A strangely familiar scratchy voice shouts, “Now!”


*Skitter*


*Splash*

Why am I wet?



You find yourself trapped in ice.

Come for a visit, are we? A little chat, perhaps? We remember the last time you came for a visit, don’t we, kids?
*Rustle/squeak*
You turned me into a frog, didn’t you? Thought I wouldn’t remember you? “Let’s just visit Baba Yaga and see what we can turn her into today,” you thought to yourself, hunh? Well now you’re here and all trapped like a fly in a web. Just looking at you reminds me of lunch. So what’ll it be, kids? Hero Sandwiches or Hero on a Half-shell? Seeing as he is already frozen, we could just settle for a little “Eye Scream” sundae with Whipped Scream and nuts?
*Rustle/squeak*
Good, we’ll just skip the main course and go straight to dessert. Any last words from the “soon-to-be-supper?”
My only regret is that I have but one life to give to my country.
Well, wasn’t that inspiring, kids? Guess we’ll be having Baloney and Freeze for snackies. Bone jour and Bone Appetite!


You have quite some time to figure out what to do before Baba Yaga simply eats you. But eat you she will.

Hold on a second! Yes, I turned you into a frog, but I’m sorry about that and I’m actually here because there was a gnome in town and you took his humor away and he’s here to get it back so I said I’d try and ask for him and please don’t eat me I’d be all stringy and stuff.
So you came to help the jester get back his jokes, eh? How fitting. He made a fool out of me because you made a frog out of me, and now I’ll make food out of thee. Just desserts, after all! So now we can all have our favorite treat to eat, isn’t that right, kids?
*Rustle/squeak*
What’s that? You’d rather have pie? What, Eye Pie?
*Rustle/squeak*
Oh, Elderbury Pie! It’s true, we haven’t had that for a long while. But I can’t very well make one now. I don’t have any of the ingredients. Oh, pooh. Now that you mention it, I’d really like some Elderbury Pie, with or without Eye Scream.
*Rustle/squeak*
You’re right, he did bring us some mandrake, didn’t he? And it made such a lovely mousse. Very well, but it means no Eye Scream, for now. So, Mr. Tender-Morsel, I’ll give you another chance. Bring me some fresh Elderbury Pie, and I won’t have you for dessert. Agreed?
Sure, sure, just like last time.
Good. Bring us some fresh Elderbury Pie, or we’ll just settle for Adam’s Apple Pie and Minced Meat, instead. We’ll recycle this ice around this fool for Iced Knee later. Hero Lout, Now get out!



Well, what have we here? Back in one piece? I sure never expected to see you outside of a quiche again.
I almost was, but then she decided she wanted “Elderbury Pie” instead.
Guess her sweet tooth is bothering her again. Fortunately for you she didn’t get a yearning for sweetbreads instead.
Yeah. So, er, do you know how to make an Elderbury Pie?
She didn’t give you the recipe? Let’s see, you’ll need a pie pan for starts. You’ll need bonemeal for a crust, grue goo for flavoring, and Elderbury berries, of course.
Where do I get bonemeal?
Well, it won’t be on the shelf with the flour and cornmeal. You’ll probably need to make it yourself. So just get some bones and grind them.
How do I grind bones?
You could try Baba’s flying mortar and pestle over there. But hey, don’t get any ideas. The flying bit only works for Baba; all you can do with it is grind stuff.
Alright. So what are Elderburies?
Elderbury berries. You’ll need to pick them right off the Elderbury bush. Careful, or you’ll make it cry. There’s nothing worse than Elderbury whines. I think you can find it to the northwest. Careful around it—if you destroy it, you’ll make Baba very displeased with you. On the other hand, it could destroy you.
Thanks for the help.
Hey, I’m only helping me. After all, Baba isn’t nearly so interesting without a guy like you keeping her on her toes.


You use the mortar by dropping in the bones collected from wraith barrows. Go ahead and use both sets; there’s nothing else to use them on.


You work the pestle back and forth in the mortar. It’s hard work, but after a while you manage to grind the bones into a fine bone meal with almost the consistency of flour.

Collect the bone meal with a spare bottle.


Directions: two south, one east, and two more south from the town screen or two west and one south from the Garden.

There’s something strange about this bush. Maybe it’s the eyes. Oh, forget it—it’s probably just an ordinary, everyday bush with blood red berries and tentacle-like branches.

You really need to stay away from that bush. It strikes very, very hard and fairly fast as well. Dying is a distinct possibility.


Instead, there are two ways to get the berries you need, magical and non-magical.


The magic method is quite simple: throw a Force Bolt to knock some berries loose then grab them with Fetch.


Like so. The other way is to knock the berries loose with a rock, then use the rubber chicken you might have noticed in Punny Bones’ room. You can use it to lure the bush across the screen, then either grab the branch it leaves behind or throw the rock now and wait for it to go back before grabbing it. Either way, we now know the answer to the Leshy’s latest riddle, so let’s make a pitstop.


*Some bush chasing later*

Ten and twelve make twenty-two; this killer plant will crawl to you. Hungry, hunting, seeking food; a berry bush with an attitude?
It’s the Elderbury bush!
Riddles, riddles, three, two, one. Next one and my riddling’s done.


*You get the idea*

Five from fifteen leaves you ten; find the Heart scroll in its den. Its hidden hoard revealed at night; what’s this undead you must fight?
You mean the wraith to the south, right? Where I got the paladin sword?
I’m almost out of riddles; I’ll ask you nothing more, but come back in a while just to see what I’ve in store!


*Same—wait, OH GOD THEY’RE ALL TRYING TO KILL ME*

Leshy, leshy, riddles done. Thank you much for all the fun.

And that’s it. No item, no reward, just a giant bush stomping for finishing the leshy’s riddles. He seriously doesn’t add anything aside from a few puzzle points and redundant hints.


Leshy’s a little too much like old times, honestly. At least I got all the ingredients. Now I just need the pie tin.


Nikolai has disappeared from his home. The last time I saw him, he said something about finding Anna. I fear he is dead.
Um, yeah. That’s kind of my fault.
What?! What did you do this time?
I found Anna’s ghost in the woods and I told Nikolai about it. He sort of wandered off after that.
I see. So that is why he was excited about Anna. He has gone to her, I guess. Maybe they will be together again. It is nice to believe so.
They are, actually. I saw them together that very night.
Good, then at least he is happy. I will miss Nikolai. He was a good man. I have been looking after him for so many years, it will take some getting used to not having Nikolai around. There was also some talk of werewolves again when the townsfolk realized that Nikolai was gone, but I stopped it. There will be no more of that here if I can help it.
Thanks. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to buy one of Mama’s tins so I can make an evil pie.
Always up to something, aren’t you.


Ilya! Why have you been gone for so long? There have been so many things happening around town! The old monastery burned down, Dmitri found out that his good-for-nothing grandfather died tragically, and now Nikolai has gone missing! What is this town coming to?
Sorry, Ma, I’ve just been really busy. I burned down the evil monastery, found Piotyr’s sword, and told Nikolai where Anna’s ghost is.
My! And I suppose you found Boris for me, too. So what do you want from your poor old mama?
I need a pie tin.
And now he bakes! What can’t my little boy do?
You probably wouldn’t want any of this pie, Ma, trust me.


So, did ya get it? Show me. I won’t let you in without it.
Got it right here. Looks a little disturbing, honestly.
Looks good ta me. Now show it to the head skull over there, and get outta the way fast if ya don’t want to add rump roast to Baba’s menu for tonight.



I’ve heard of using lasers to cook, but I don’t think they had this in mind.

Hey, Birdlegs! Squat!


Here we go.


You quickly step out from under the trap. A moment later, you hear the voice of Baba Yaga.

Not very trusting, is he, kids? Good. It’s not like I trust him. Floor Quick! Make him Stick!

You find your shoes stuck to the floor.


Spirits of the swamp and mire,
Aid me in what I desire!
Creatures of the mist, Beings of Fog,
Turn this human into a hedgehog.



If you have Reversal active, it does deflect this spell (though it doesn’t hit Baba this time), and Baba simply makes a pun about Manwiches instead. You’re still stuck, though, since the floor spell enchants the hut’s floor and not your shoes.

I have a sudden craving for a tiddywiggle. Perhaps some Hedgehog Grog, Hedge-piggy Swiggle, and Pig Newtons.
*Rustle/squeak*
What’s that you say? Elderbury Pie? Oh, darn. He was bringing that here, wasn’t he? I don't suppose a Piggywiggle can get a pie from his backpack, could he? Particularly if his feet are stuck to the floor. Sigh. Spirits of the Mist and Moor, Restore this man as he was before.



So now, my dining delight, do you have what I asked for?
Oh of course, here.


If you waste too much time here or in subsequent encounters (and you’re given quite a lot of time to waste, mind you), Baba Yaga will simply eat you out of impatience.

Enough of this! If you won’t give me something to eat, I’ll just have to help myself. How about some “Green Legs and Man?”



Yum, that smells delicious. Just the way we like it, fresh from the fire. So let me think, how should I reward you for such a lovely pie? Well, kids, should we just fry him now and have Roast Leg of Man with Green Spleen Casserole for a main course?
*Rustle/squeak*
Oh, all right, I suppose he did do us a favor. It wouldn’t be polite to eat him now. Besides, he may be useful in the future. So what is it that you want as a reward for your lovely pie?
If you don’t mind me saying, you do change your mind in a hurry.
“Do unto others before they can do unto you,” I always say. On the other hand, the pie does look lovely, and the kids would get upset if I didn’t properly reward you.
Well, like I said before, I’m here to get Punny Bones’ sense of humor back.
Humor, is it? You want a sense of humor? I’m not sure the gnome ever really had a sense of humor—making fun of poor old ogresses. Oh, all right. Take this “Good Humor Bar” and give it to the gnome. I suppose there is nothing more pathetic than a gnome who can’t tell a joke.

Yes, the Good Humor Bar is a popsicle.

Great, thanks.
You know, I’ve heard that you were brought here by those up at the castle. They weren’t too happy when you landed in the Dark One’s Cave instead of in their spell circle. They just didn’t realize how powerful the Dark Influences are. They are keeping a close watch over you now, though.
I know, I saw them. You know, you and Bonehead don’t seem as scared of the Dark One as everyone else in the valley.
Probably all too weak to defend themselves against it. The Dark Ones are creatures of another plane of existence. They are incredibly powerful and dangerous. When they enter this world, they bring Darkness, madness, and destruction. The Dark One that was worshipped in the cave almost but not quite came into this world. It’s now trapped in a limbo state between dimensions. However, its magical aura leaches into this world, particularly at night. That’s why things are so much more scenic when the sun sets. The Dark Influences affect spells here, too. Particularly spells which affect things both in and out of the valley. Crystal ball reception is terrible. We’re magically cut off from most of the world. The castle folks used a lot of magic trying to get you here. You should be sure and thank them for your visit when you see them. Oh, and don’t mess with the Dark One’s Cave. I’d hate to have to leave this place because you ruined the neighborhood. But I think you’ve listened to me long enough. You, Shoo!


Went well?
Better than I was hoping for. I wonder if I could give her more food for other stuff?
Careful what ya bring her. She doesn’t like everything, ya know.
I’ll bet she loves garlic. [She'll also take other things, like bones, bonemeal, and more grue goo, but not stuff like corn or avacado sandwiches (she has allergies).]


Ah, garlic! I can always use more garlic. So what is it you want for this?
Do you have a spare spell?
Magic? Let me think, what have I got that won’t let you get me? I suppose that you want something other than a spell to cause warts?
If you don’t mind.
Oh all right. Here’s a spell scroll to teach you the Hide spell. I use it all the time, as you can tell.
Thanks.
Right, now get out.


Did I tell you about the time there was this guy walking into an inn with this big necrotaur following him? He goes up ta the innkeeper and asks for some stew to eat. The innkeeper looks nervously at the necrotaur, and asks the man what his pet will eat. And the guy replies, “Anyone he wants.” Not bad, eh?
…


What’s this, ya trying the ole hot pepper bar on me? Hey, I’m the professional, kid. Don’t try this at home. Not on a gnome, anyway. Looks good, though.

He eats the Good Humor Bar.

Not bad. Pretty good, actually. Hey, I feel funny. I mean REALLY funny. What was that thing?
Baba Yaga gave it to me because I gave her an Elderbury Pie. She said it would give you back a sense of humor.
Thanks, pal, guess this yuck’s on me. This jester jest can’t thank you too much. You’re my hero, Nero. My main man, Stan. So you got by with a pie, aye? My, my. Always knew the way to Baba’s heart was through her stomach. Probably someone she ate. You know what they say about cannibals, always having a few friends over for dinner.
Feeling better?
I’m so happy that it reminds me of the time Dimlit the Dwarf came across a magic ring in the bazaar in Shapeir. He rubbed it, and low and behold! Out came a djinni. “I will grant you three wishes,” said the djinni. “Well, for my first wish, I want a purse that’s always filled with gold,” said Dimlit. “So shall it be done!” said the djinni. There before Dimlit appeared a purse. He turned it over, and a pile of gold spilled on the desert sand. Again and again he turned it over, and more and more gold covered the ground. “Master, you do have two more wishes left,” said the djinni. “Oh, that’s right,” said the dwarf. “Well, give me two more of these!” Let me tell you, I’m every bit as happy as Dimlit was.
I guess that means you remember your jokes now?
Oh, I dunno, let me test. Do you know why gnome jokes are so short? So that they won’t go over the dwarves’ heads. There’s no point in telling a dwarf a joke with a double meaning. He won’t get either one. Judging from the expression, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you,” it’s no wonder Holistic Detective is practically invulnerable. Of course, far be it from me to say that all dwarves are just plain dumb. Most are pretty greedy, too. Dwarves get their money the hoard way. They won’t even spend the time of day. Dwarves don’t care how people treat them, as long as they do. Of course, you know what you got when the singing dragon fell into the dwarf fortress? A flat miner. And on that note, let’s change the subject.
So that’s a yes?
Seems like it. Now that I’m back in the funny business, it’s one more show and I’m back on the road. I’m going to show these yokels that he who laughs last just didn’t get it. You know what they say about humor: if you don’t got it, ya won’t get it. And if ya don’t get it, I’m sure someone will try to explain it at great length.
I’ll let you prepare, then.
Before ya blow, Joe, I figure Iowa ya one. I’m going ta let ya in on a secret only we gnomes know. I’m going ta tell ya the Ultimate Joke.
Ultimate Joke? What, some kind of final farce?
Don’t wince, Vince. This is straight, mate. Ya tell this one, and whoever hears it is going ta laugh. Really laugh. Can’t help it, can’t stop it kind of laugh. Only works once, and should only be used in last resorts, Mort. It’s the last laugh, so ta speak. The best jest of the west. Yours fer the telling.

The gnome tells you a rather silly joke. You find yourself laughing despite yourself.

See what I mean, Gene? Tell this joke ta a big bad dude that’s out ta do ya in, then exit while he’s laughin’. Use it or lose it. Bye, bye, Birdie.

You do need the Ultimate Joke to win the game, and I suppose it’s possible to miss it and end up in an unwinnable situation. Considering that you have to talk to Punny about his problems before Bonehead even lets you give him a hat, though, it’s a very hard to avoid sort of thing.

*Later That Evening*


Punny’s last hurrah. Although he says he’ll be in Silmaria, you end up getting there before him, and the gnome in the next game is someone entirely different.

So everyone, I’ll leave you with this story. A man runs up to his doctor and says, “Doc ya gotta help me. I keep thinking I’m a goat.” The doctor asks, “How long have you had this delusion?” The guy replies, “Ever since I was a kid.” (The VA seriously adds the rim shot.) That just goats to show you, I’m one baaaah dude. It’s been shear pleasure here, but I’m going to take it on the lamb and just bleat it. Be seeing ewe!




Great, now there’s something else floating around here. What, am I supposed to touch the staff?




You have been tempted by a mere illusion, but there is a true Staff in Mordavia—the Staff of Erana.
I know. I’ve seen it several million times before.
Before the Staff may be claimed, there must be a sacrifice made: one life for that of another. You must bring about that sacrifice.
You somehow say that as if you don’t care about either person involved.
Once you have completed the sacrifice, you will need to perform the Ritual of Release which you can use to free the Staff from its confinement. I will teach you this ritual. In return, you must come back here when you have Erana’s Staff.
What if I don’t?

You are suddenly filled with the knowledge of the Ritual of Release, a spell of breaking magical bonds.



Erana is a great deal more personable than her mother’s kin. I’m not so sure I want them to have her staff.

It goes without saying that this extra step is inserted only for wizards. They don’t find the Heart ritual in the wraith’s barrow, either.