Part 9: GuiltPart 9: Guilt
First thing we should do is shove Jerrys hand-me-downs into Bans possessions. Considering that hes level 8 and has crap defense, its agreed that he probably needs that Moldy cap. Normally I would grind him up to speed...but the next dungeon will take care of that for me.
Second thing on the list is to go rambo in Corrupted Onetts near vicinity.
One rampage later, and weve fully stocked everyone up on Sky Nectars. Shame about the blood though. Is it even blood, considering that were in a metaphysical world?
Its obviously metaphysical blood.
Now that weve completed Dr. Andonuts and Bans Excellent Adventure, the bear blocking OPs dungeon has gone off to get drunk...or whatever bears do in their spare time. Next time, on Nature: Do Bears Play Poker in their Spare Time?
They tend to sucker punch kings named Graham.
Well, I suppose its time to Matrix the hell out of the next dungeon. Its not as emotionally traumatizing as Bans dungeon... but its something all right.
: (Here you can witness the breathtaking sights of all the people Dr. Andonuts mercilessly slaughtered!)
(That loveable bastard! Isnt he just a hoot?)
Why is the sign speaking to me.
: (He met his fate at the twisted hand of Dr. Andonuts.)
You know, fire and knives make for a prettier spectacle than choking someone to death. The red vividness of life water...the sheen of a dagger the shrieks of a-
We still think you need help.
Gus, dont be an incorrigible Eskimo pie with a caramel ribbon.
...I give up.
: (Dr. Andonuts mercilessly discarded her soul.)
: This is unnerving. Let us move on.
: (His life expired with Dr. Andonuts blessing.)
It was Dr. Andonuts with the Poisoned Donut in the Study.
: YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS. YOU KNOW WHY I KILLED HER, DIDNT YOU?
LAUGH AT ME.
...LAUGH AT ME!
ha Ha ha hAh AHahaAH *sniff* *sniff*
Looks like the poor old Doc actually did care about his wife to an extent. Well, I suppose its too late to apologize. Dead (wo)men hear no tales, after all....
: (The most economic way to kill people in a humane fashion is thusly:)
(First, convince them and yourself that its necessary to turn them into robots to save the world.)
(Then, send them back into the past to combat an alien menace.)
(After a long, hard battle, they will realize that they are trapped forever.)
It was Dr. Andonuts with the Phase Distorter in Saturn Valley.
Im thoroughly confused.
(Who is Jerry?)
(Why is he here?)
(What does Jerry taste like?)
: Someone whom you do not want to eat.
: Like a braised slice of drunk chicken.
: Like the souls of the living.
: Im...I even surprise myself! Haha!
And so Dr. Andonuts has been revealed to have tortured small animals during his childhood. Preferably with a lighter and a tiny bottle rocket, though a pocket knife did the job as well.
Stop describing yourself like that.
Upstairs is where the intro ends and the dungeon begins. In all honesty, OPs schtick is nothing special, but a lot of the psychological elements are worth talking about. Well, lets Peter Pan through the rest of the thing, shall we?
: Dont you wanna know how we do things behind the scenes? How DO we kill so many people? Well, its easy! Come back here, behind the scenes! Weve got all kinds of things to show you! Right this way, ladies and gentlemen! Find out what makes Dr. Andonuts so amazing!
You heard the man. Lets get started. And by Lets get started, I really mean Lets begin mauling everything that gets in our way.
Earthbound OST - Belchs Factory
Welcome to Belchs Factory w/o the PukeTM. Compared to its counterpart from Earthbound, its a warm renovation to the otherwise unsanitary dungeon. At least we dont have to worry about getting puked on this time.
Do they have Oxyclean in the Earthbound-verse ?
HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THIS AMAZING NEW HAWAIIAN PIZZA. YOULL BE SAYING ALOHA TO IT IN NO TIME!
Okay, calm down...
: Im going to die. Were all going to die.
And so Ban Andonuts learned of the homicidal genes that run inside his family. I suppose thats one way to ruin someones day.
Looks like we have a branching path here. Like in Belchs Factory, going down the ladder leads us to the dungeon boss.
But you know what? Screw that. No goodie gets left behind.
Oh joy, more Hawaiian pizzas.
Gold Watch gets equipped on Bans Arm, totaling his defense from 17 to 22.
...How? its an inch-wide strip of plastic or weak metal.
On the way out, the party gets accosted by Mel Brooks Dracula. I suppose its time to bring out the stake and holy cross.
Earthbound OST - Heartless Hotel
Vladula is probably the most dangerous enemy well see in OPs dungeon. Sporting a high HP and attack, the monstrosity can ruin Mom and Bans day with little to no trouble. And if it chooses to mix in a Freeze Alpha here and there, you can say goodbye to Jerry as well.
However, the Vladula has one weakness: it always starts off battle asleep. In that sense its only a matter of caving in the bats face until it succumbs to earthly death.
And with Moms near demise, the Vladula has been vanquished into the night Castlevania-style.
No, no, Im pretty sure she dead.
If an ally dies when combat ends, their HP scrolls back to 1.
I know that, you dingus.
Apparently, Jerry is too cool to climb down ladders properly. Either that, or Radiation was too lazy to hack in the sprites.
On another note, lets viciously assault the zombie/monster here.
Say hi to the Uberhaunt. The swapped color-palette monstrosity is basically an upgraded version of its cheery snow-flinging pals up near Winters. It can put the party to sleep, rip apart their innards, and set them on fire.
Solution: Turn it into ice cream. Lightning Alpha (Thunder) would be more effective, but apparently the game refuses to strike gold and go home big money.
Couldnt the lightning just break through the roof.
Thats much too logical to matter.
Im not sure how I feel about looting foodstuff from the body of a half-decayed zombie -but hey, why not? Whats the worst that could happen?
Its how you survive the first three nights in Minecraft.
From here, well take a detour down another ladder. Theres a lot do near the conveyer belt/manufacturing plant, but well get to that later.
Along the way, I beat the crap out of another Vladula. Mom and Ban level up as a result.
Mom | IQ: 1 | Luck: 1 | HP: 1 | PP: 5
Ban | IQ: 1 | HP: 1
...I think you can guess who these are for. They give Ban a +7 defense boost, bringing its total from 22 to 29.
Can I steal his lunch money?
I doubt youd be able to.
We get another Hawaiian pizza here because we cant get enough Hawaiian pizzas.
Anyways, lets take the trolley downtown for now. Things are about to get a little...funky around here
Theyre deporting Ban and his mother out of the country!? Those bastards!
Just whip out your green cards.
Given that theyre replacing the Honey Fly Jars from Belchs Factory, Im not surprised that they arent responding. Nothing a good, hot cup of coffee couldnt fix.
: What are you going to do? Bleed on me?
Apparently, Belchs Factory w/o the PukeTM is home to crazy people and homicidal maniacs alike. Nice to know that theres some kind of consistency to Bizarro World, not that its much comfort in the first place.
Those are Mister Saturns, you racist.
: Busy eating. Dr. Andonuts? Who thinks about him!?
: If I may...considering you are a figment of da- I mean, Dr. Andonuts conscience, it is concluded that he thinks about himself...a lot.
Shes twelve, you disgusting bastard.
Continuing down the path, we eventually bump into another ladder. We actually want to go up it, as the area holds a bunch of items that might be useful.
: ...Of course I would! Im Dr. Andonuts!
And then living fire starts beating the hell out of us. Hey, if the walking dead can come to life, so can fire. And considering that this is a figment of Dr. Andonuts imagination, you shouldnt be complaining anyways.
I suppose its time to duke it out with....whatever that is. The Psycho Psource/Missingno. reject is the most harmless enemy in the dungeon. Other than kicking someone in the shins for 40+ damage, itll try to fry someone with Lightning Alpha. But, you know
I dunno, man, it looks pretty Pstrange and Psavage.
I have a feeling that Psycho Psource aint murdering anyone anytime soon.
Not bad for a days work. Forty-One experience is enough to buy us a sandwich and a Mars Bars, but not enough for the stuff were going to get in a moment.
What kind of universe is this where EXP is currency? Unless you count being able to buy respect in Saints Row, but if you do that, you suck and I hate you.
The Caledfwich is a weapon for Jerry. It increases his attack by a measly two points, but since its a worthwhile investment, I dump the Rapier on the side of the road and call it quits.
Caled-f-wich? Caled-fwich? Help.
Excalibur or Caliburn is the legendary sword of King Arthur, sometimes attributed with magical powers or associated with the rightful sovereignty of Great Britain. Sometimes Excalibur and the Sword in the Stone (the proof of Arthur's lineage) are said to be the same weapon, but in most versions they are considered separate. The sword was associated with the Arthurian legend very early. In Welsh, the sword is called Caledfwlch; in Cornish, the sword is called Calesvol; in Breton, the sword is called Kaledvoulc'h; in Latin, the sword is called Caliburnus.
Vital Capsule is kinda meh at this point. It gets force fed to Mom, since shes the squishy spellslinger of the party.
I really want a random text bubble to pop up that says something like Mom has dysentery.
Ladies and Goons, we have reached Utopia. The bastion of magnificence here is Jerrys best armor for the rest of the game. While it doesnt offer any improvements in defense, it does come with a lifetime warranty of protection against paralysis and fire.
So now Jerry will be the one starting the fire instead of ending the fire. Mwahahahahahahahahaha
Relevant song of the sentence
The room down here contains a magic butterfly for you to abuse. Its basically there if you need a break.
Along the way, I beat up another Psycho Psource.
Jerry | Offense: 1 | Speed: 1 | Guts: 1 | Luck: 3 | HP: 3 | Learned Whiteshock Gamma | Learned Cleanse Omega | Learned Barrier Alpha
I think that was the most successful level up weve had so far. Also, Barrier is totally not PSI Shield under a pseudonym.
It looks like weve reached the final area. Its a bit...bloody, to say the least. Overcompensating a bit, doc?
Its all of the spilled sauce from the Hawaiian pizzas. Im a doctor, I know this stuff.
: Its a machine made out of bad memories. Just like us. Okay, its not really that new.
The next room has a Revitalization device and a save point. Since the party has a few wounds, were free to progress after a quick heal and save.
Well, I suppose its boss time. Nothing like the past, nothing like the future
Earthbound OST - The Cliff that Time Forgot
It looks like weve ended up in a crazy version of Earthbounds final dungeon. I think you can guess where were going, but lets jam anyways.
Earthbound OST - Your Sanctuary
: I was completely ecstatic. This was going to be me. I would have done something helpful. Something immensely helpful. I would finally be able to prove my worth to the world to my son To my wife.
...yes, I was excited beyond belief. But I was also very scared.
Nobody had ever attempted time travel before. There were things nobody could have foreseen."
: Yeah, it would be bad if things ended up like Back to the Future or A Sound of Thunder.
: Lifeforms are demolished in the time-travel process. I would have to
...I would I had to turn my son into a robot. I had to turn his friends into robots.
...There was something chilling about opening them up with a scalpel.
: You did what!?
Relevant song of the sentence
: Perhaps a bit of caution would be advised next time.
: They have the same flesh and bones as me. They have the same blood, the same heart...You know
...Im not even a real doctor. Just...somehow I managed to finish operating on them."
Thats...pretty impressive, especially when you let that sink in for a moment. I mean, building an entire time machine without any sort of scientific knowledge?
: Then they stepped into the Phase Distorter. Their will to save the world was absolute. They were going to fight the greatest evil. For some reason they were less afraid than I was. At the time, I didnt know why I was so scared.
Now I know why.
That machine was a death trap.
Radiations Halloween Hack OST - Technoboss
And so Jerry Toraernos will defeat a future party member for the good of mankind and puppies everywhere. In other words, this is
JERRY TORAERNOS (and his cohorts) vs. THE PHAZE DESTRORTUR
The Phaze Destrortur is, by far, the hardest of the three dungeon bosses. It can shoot out Lightning Alpha for heavy damage, assault the entire party for heavy damage, and maul someone for heavy heavy damage.
Relevant song for the entire LP
...Why yes, I do, like Suicidal Tendencies. How did you know?
First order of business is to cast PSI Shield Zeta. I suppose you it wouldve been easier to buy anti-lightning equipment from the shop... but Im too lazy to backtrack.
Next thing youll notice is that the Lovecraftian abomination has a shield that deflects physical attacks. Its probably better that you stick to magic in this fight. Sleepstun, especially, has a chance of putting down the Phaze Destrortur for a couple of turns.
And here is where I stop commenting until the end of the battle, probably.
Really, the entire boss fight is basically one big war of attrition. As long as you keep your shields and HP up, youll be able to straggle your way through the fight. Lightning Alpha in particular, can heap 100 damage per turn if it hits.
Never mind, we skipped ahead 30 minutes.
More like 5 minutes.
This is JERRY TORAERNOS (and his cohorts) vs. THE PHAZE DESTRORTUR. Thank you and have a good night.
Ban | Speed: 1 | IQ: 1 | HP: 1
Earthbound OST - The Cliff that Time Forgot
And thats the last of the three dungeons. Time to see the Andonuts Paris Collection, I suppose.
Fade to white
The Andonuts Paris Collection isnt pretty, as one would say.
: Hours later, Giygass henchmen stopped showing up. Giygas was dead. But where were they? Why didnt they come back?
To my horror, I realized that the method I used to send them to the past
would not work in order to send them to the future. Years ago, they were already stranded in the past. Years ago, they already died.
I killed them.
I killed my only son.
I killed my sons friends.
theres not enough Zexonyte left for another time machine
And I had never done anything right in my entire life. I spent all my time preoccupied with stupid projects like Dungeon Man...I tried to turn boiled eggs back into raw eggs...I even created an instant revitalizing device It sounds like it could be useful, but it costs too much to be mass-produced...I have an utterly impentrable capsule, but you can never get out of it
In Mother 3, the device is mass-produced, and the impenetrable capsule gets used at one point.
: Ive only created useless things. Things that crash and burn. If you ask me to follow your dreams, youll die. And if you dont die, youll get caught in some palm trees. Whats the point of living in a world like that!?
After I realized that I had slain them, I became overcome with grief.
I...I created an army of monsters and set them loose.
Anything interesting or important in this world...Ive already unceremoniously destroyed it. Now I wait here, hiding in the Sea of Eve. Im becoming warped.
Every moment I wait here, Magicant pulls me in...Look around. What is this!?
Shit, I should have brought popcorn.
: Im scared of it. Help me...I need courage...I need
Earthbound OST - The Power
: ...Listen! I am Courage.
: Yeah, I got the memo twice. Are you going to join my party or what?
: ...In a moment.
: When we defeated Giygas, the future split in twain. In one future, Giygas has always been defeated, because we defeated him in the past. In the other future, Giygass defeat is new.
Giygass technology allowed him to invade every time and space simultaneously. This includes even the ones he was already defeated in. When we destroyed Giygas, our souls sought out our bodies...But we returned to the new future we had created, not the old one we were sent from."
: Uh...huh ?
In a nutshell, Op is basically saying that the universe split in two when they defeated Giygas: one new and one old. The Chosen Fours souls went to their bodies in the new universe, while in the old universe, everyone wrote them off as dead.
Yes, yes, okay, I dont understand at all, but okay.
: Dr. Andonuts waited forever for us to return, but its impossible. The worlds Zexonyte supply is exhausted. Were alive, but does it really matter in this universe? All we can do now is stop this old man from going insane.
: To the Sea of Eve!
Well, you heard the man -its time to end this.