Part 10: DistortionPart 10: Distortion
Earthbound OST - Magicant
Before we tackle the final dungeon, its best to prepare a bit. The Sword/Cloak of kings gets handed to OP for safe handling. The Moldy cap, on the other hand, gets sold because it reduces OPs defense to 0. Not to mention that its moldy.
After that, we want to pick up an H20/Fire Pendant for each of our party members. Magic taffys are optional, but you want to fill up everyones inventory with Cocoon pizzas. Theyre worth the money, and considering whats coming up, 40 HP to the entire party is much obliged.
As long as they arent Hawaiian pizzas, Im fine with that.
Dont worry, well get to that soon enough.
Earthbound OST - Deeper into Ness's Subconscious
With our preparations complete, its time to enter the final dungeon of the game. Note that you cant go back once entering, so prepare wisely. It is true, however, that you can go back once you wrap up the dungeon, so theres that.
Where do we buy escape ropes?
When we last entered Magicant Road, we hit a dead end filled with Dr. Doom underlings. Now that weve recruited everyone though
...A root-teleport device thingy pops into existence. Well, nothing left for it, I suppose. Time to Alice in Wonderland the shit out of Dr. Andonuts conscience.
Ive seen enough hentai to know Mom is in for some deep trouble
I...no. Just no. Why would you make that reference, you sick bastard?
Because Im an awful person.
: (That feeling of the monster is starting to come back, slowly.)
(You can almost smell him again.)
(This tentacle cant do anything.)
(But your legs propel you forward.)
And with a dittly sound effect, its time to enter the final phase of the game.
Earthbound OST - Giygas Lair
Ive had some bad trips before, but daaaaaaamn.
Youve never done drugs in your life.
That you know of.
Are you counting the food from that Thai restaurant?
Welp, welcome to the final dungeon of the game. Despite its... unsettling scenery, the place is pretty easy to navigate through. And if you cant...well thats the least of your worries here.
The enemies, rather, are what you should be worried about. They can hit hard, and considering how the dungeon is laid out, theyre designed to wear down your characters. While the Trandimension Terminate is nowhere near the most annoying enemy in the dungeon, later obstacles get much more irritating and Cocoon-pizza costly.
Like the 6 eldritch abominations we fight at the end.
Ban | Offense: 1 | IQ: 2 | Luck: 1 | HP: 2
Why is a Magic Butterfly here?
Because it can be.
And then we get attacked by a half-shifting Starman. Groovy. Get the hell out of my way, vermin -Ive got a doctor to murder!
Meet Jerkass of the Jungle: the Giegue League. If youre too lazy to put two and two together, the things probably Dr. Andonuts mental interpretation of Earthbound. Indeed, the eldritch abomination here is probably the second-most lethal enemy in the dungeon.
Which isnt saying much, considering that its the endgame. But meh
One of the first abrasions the Giegue League will cast on our party is hemlock. The jerk here loves screwing around with poison, and can ruin our day with extreme prejudice.
Next, it can follow up with a punch to the face, or a heal to itself. At this point in the proceedings, a punch to the face can straight up murder any party member under 50-60 HP.
Finally, the Giegue League, from time to time, will attempt to aggravate us with political fury. However, its utterly futile due to the lack of PP and an excessive amount of Obamacare.
He used Michelle Obamas bullshit school lunch program against us. Cant get Cheddar Sunchips anymore thanks to her. I am annoyed.
If PSI Obama Alpha does work for some reason, all you need to do is chow down a Cocoon Pizza.
And with a few thumps to the noggin, Jerry and his comrades have successfully vanquished the Giegue League to the ether.
The Giegue League almost always drop a Cocoon pizza, so even if you use one, theres a good chance youll get it back.
Is it literally made out of cocoons?
Nah, I think the description said it was made out of sugar.
Mom | Defense: 1 | Speed: 2 | HP: 2 | PP: 2 | Learned Freeze Beta
OP | HP: 1 | Learned PSI Magnet Omega
Dammit, OP. That was a sucky level.
Immediately after our barroom brawl with the Giegue League, we get into a fight with a scorpion. Hey, if we could get into fights with Mel Brooks Dracula, Im sure we could get into fights with venomous, inferior beings.
Say hi to the Brain Buster. The little Metroid knock-off is probably the most harmless enemy in the game. It does crap 50% of the time, and when it does do something, it usually utilizes Brainshock Omega and vomit. Really, the only noteworthy thing about the bastardized football is the fact that it has a shield.
Reminds me of Spikeweed from Plants Vs. Zombies.
It looks like -*takes off sunglasses*- appetizer is ready to be served.
Unless it doesnt meet the standards of Michelle Obamas school lunch program.
Dont worry about anything in the black portions -they serve as walls to the landscape.
Jerry can equip this weapon.
The most powerful weapon in existence. A sword so strong, it has the power to destroy planets. Galaxies, universes can be felled with a single blow from such a weapon.
Just holding it causes your hands to tingle. It gives you an incredible surge of power when used in battle.
The Planet Buster was Jerry/Ares best weapon in Brandish 1, not to mention that it served as a plot device in Brandish 2. Its obviously inferred that its Jerrys best weapon in the game, upgrading his attack by...a measly two points. Kind of a let down, considering that it utterly destroyed everything in the Brandish games, but Ill take what I can get.
Hells Bells its infested. Quick, someone call the exterminator!
Ban | Offense: 1 | Defense: 2 | Speed: 3 | Guts: 2 | Vitality: 1 | IQ: 1 | HP: 6
If youve played Earthbound, you should know what the Neutralizer does (neutralizes buffs, debuffs, and shields on everyone). It gets handed over to Ban.
Jerry levels up after pummeling a Giegue League into the ground.
Jerry | HP: 3
OP does as well. Hopefully, hell do a bit better this time.
Surely OP will deliver.
OP | Offense: 1 | Defense: 2 | Speed: 1 | IQ: 1 | HP: 1 | PP: 5 | Learned Lightning Beta | Learned Lifeup Omega | Learned Cleanse Gamma
Much better. Considering that hes the only one who learns Lifeup Omega, OP gets put on healer/support duty for the rest of the game.
Geezy Chreezy, the whole thing is mindblowing. Who did Andonuts hire for renovations ?
Generic healing item, but better than a Sky Nectar. Ditch and retrieve.
The Sea of Eve, or whatever you want to call it, isnt all that bad, despite how it looks. Really, if you prepare well, the most difficulty youll have is trying to ease your way through the area.
Also: the walking Anubis-Hieroglyph down there isnt an enemy -its a warp point.
One teleport later, and were in Earthbounds final dungeon. Considering the scenery, the party-member-turned-robots, and the Phase Distorter down in the bottom right...yeah its a throwback to Earthbound.
Like in Earthbounds final dungeon, the Phase Distorter will allow you to rest up and/or save. Since you cant backtrack to Magicant anytime soon, a break point is much obliged.
As such, it provides an excellent grinding spot if youre slacking in that department. Considering that the enemies drop massive amounts of money, as well as experience, the Sea of Eve is an ideal spot to wreak havoc and unleash your inner evil.
The reason why Im pointing this out? The last shop has the most expensive stuff in the game, and youre likely to spend every nook and cranny on it.
I dont think you used that phrase right...
Mom | Speed: 1 | Guts: 2 | Vitality: 2 | IQ: 2 | Luck: 2 | HP: 28 | PP: 8
Now if only Jerry could have that kind of luck...
Ban | IQ: 1 | HP: 1
OP | Offense: 1 | Speed: 1 | Luck: 1 | HP: 2 | PP: 1
A two-for-one deluxe combo set!
OP | Offense: 3 | Defense: 2 | Vitality: 2 | IQ: 2 | HP: 26 | PP: 9 | Learned Cleanse Omega | Learned Barrier Omega
Welp, it looks like OP is stuck playing as support.
Support characters suck. Case in Point: My skillset is Mastermind in Payday 2. The only time it doesnt suck is in Killing Floor.
Also Eris has zero idea about anything I just said.
Ban | IQ: 1 | Luck: 1 | HP: 2
Come to think of it, IQ is completely useless for Ban, since there isnt anything to fix in-game.
And thus Badass Falcom Protagonist raises a level.
Jerry | Offense: 1 | Defense: 1 | IQ: 1 | HP: 1 | PP: 5
Alright, I think its time we moved on. Given that Im going to run through the dungeon twice, Ive been spending way too much time here.
Mutilating a Brain Buster results in a level for Mom and OP.
Mom | HP: 1
Gee that was worth it.
OP | HP: 2 | PP: 2
Ban | IQ: 1 | Luck: 1 | HP: 3
Same noise, different tune.
OP | Defense: 1 | Speed: 1 | HP: 3
Jerry | Speed: 1 | Guts: 1 | Vitality: 1 | Luck: 1 | HP: 8 | Learned Whiteshock Omega
You know what? At this point, I think Ill just inform you of the important level ups.
At the end of the path, a teleporter blocks our way. I suppose theres no other way to proceed, is there?
Its the Dirty Bubble!
One teleport later...
I believe that weve just entered the third-last area of the dungeon. A Magic Butterfly usually spawns here, so you can enter/exit as many times to refill your PP.
Yet another teleport later...
The next area is a straight path forward. No hijinks, detours, or psychological mind-screws. Just a straight path across.
And the tiny enclave here is the final portion of the dungeon. The triangular gap leads to the real Sea of Eve, and its what I consider to be the hardest part of the game. Its prudent that you save and fill up on PP before jumping into the fray
Earthbound OST - Sea of Eden
Alright, here we go. In order to get past the area and into the final town/rest area in the game, we have to beat up 6 mini-bosses. Theyre all the same enemy, and despite how Ive been treating the games difficulty thus far, these guys are the real deal.
Also, that water cant be sanitary.
Grape Kool-Aid, sponsored by Jim Jones.
And heres mini-boss #1. Despite looking like Krakens, they, in fact, look nothing like Krakens. Gee, so much for artistic license
Earthbound OST - Frank's Theme
Instead, they look like an amalgamation between a ghost and a saggy Tonberry. Despite how it looks however, the Robot Master here can kick my arse seven ways sideways.
To ruin your day with relative ease, the Amalgamate has a ton of aggressions up its sleeves. From firing thunderbolts in every direction, to axing someone for 50+ damage, to roasting the party with PSI Obama Alpha/political injustice...the list never ends.
Really, the only strategy I can offer is to duke it out and stay alive. Feel free to use as many Cocoon pizzas as you feel necessary, in order to keep everyones HP up.
This cannot be healthy in the waistline department.
And so Jerry Toraernos shredded a mechanical-monstrosity into tiny little pieces, and sent it to the junkyard. With condolences to the garbage man, of course.
Mom | Offense: 1 | IQ: 1 | HP: 3 | PP: 5
Ban | Offense: 2 | Defense: 3 | Guts: 2 | Vitality: 1 | IQ: 3 | Luck: 1 | HP: 9
Level 16 is the target zone to tackle the final boss. Once we get everyone else up to speed, well be able to wrap up this game once and for all.
Surprisingly enough, I was able to get to our next destination without encountering any more Amalgamates. Save scumming probably helped in that regard.
But theres...one right there...
: Oh, wait, didnt need to tell you that. *giggle* *kiss*"
Screen fades to white
Radiations Halloween Hack OST - Twoson Love Theme
Well, heres the end of the road. Our final stop for today is in the humble abode of...wherever the grassy landscape is. I dont know, do I look like a doctor to you?
The star does absolutely nothing, so feel free to ignore it.
: Its even okay if you barf on the customers.
: Yeah...screw that. Its ass kicking time.
: Would it not hurt to be a little...less violent?
: ...I dont follow.
: Go get that monster!
You know...as much as I hate Pirkle, I have to admit that the comment was pretty uplifting.
What it says on the tin -It teleports you back to Magicant. The upside of this is that you can go through the dungeon again. The downside of this is that you have to go through the dungeon again.
Mr. Arms Dealer here is the main purpose of the area. He sells the best stuff in the game, including Hawaiian pizza and Horn of Life (revival item). Ill probably make another round of the dungeon in order to stock up.
Theres also an ATM here if you need it.
Werent you just question mind-ATMs, like, three updates ago?
: Wouldnt it be nice to go on a date sometime? come back to us, we all miss you! Use the portal in the middle of town.
The portal/star does absolutely nothing.
: But you might not like what you see. Jerry you know you dont have to fight. You have a choice. Come back to Twoson. We all love you there. Just use the portal in middle of town and forget about what youre doing now
You heard the man. Once we enter, theres no going back. This is the final destination.
Great idea, terrible sequels.