Part 10: Distortion

Part 10: Distortion

Earthbound OST - Magicant


Before we tackle the final dungeon, it’s best to prepare a bit. The Sword/Cloak of kings gets handed to OP for safe handling. The Moldy cap, on the other hand, gets sold because it reduces OP’s defense to 0. Not to mention that it’s moldy.


After that, we want to pick up an H20/Fire Pendant for each of our party members. Magic taffy’s are optional, but you want to fill up everyone’s inventory with Cocoon pizzas. They’re worth the money, and considering what’s coming up, 40 HP to the entire party is much obliged.

As long as they aren’t Hawaiian pizzas, I’m fine with that.

Don’t worry, we’ll get to that soon enough.

Noooooooooo

Earthbound OST - Deeper into Ness's Subconscious


With our preparations complete, it’s time to enter the final dungeon of the game. Note that you can’t go back once entering, so prepare wisely. It is true, however, that you can go back once you wrap up the dungeon, so there’s that.

Where do we buy escape ropes?


When we last entered Magicant Road, we hit a dead end filled with Dr. Doom underlings. Now that we’ve recruited everyone though…


...A root-teleport device thingy pops into existence. Well, nothing left for it, I suppose. Time to Alice in Wonderland the shit out of Dr. Andonuts’ conscience.

I’ve seen enough hentai to know Mom is in for some deep trouble

I...no. Just no. Why would you make that reference, you sick bastard?

Because I’m an awful person.


: “(That feeling of the monster is starting to come back, slowly.)

(You can almost smell him again.)

(...)

(This tentacle can’t do anything.)

…(But your legs propel you forward.)


And with a dittly sound effect, it’s time to enter the final phase of the game.

Earthbound OST - Giygas’ Lair


...Ah.

I’ve had some bad trips before, but daaaaaaamn.

You’ve never done drugs in your life.

That you know of.

Are you counting the food from that Thai restaurant?


Welp, welcome to the final dungeon of the game. Despite it’s... unsettling scenery, the place is pretty easy to navigate through. And if you can’t...well that’s the least of your worries here.


The enemies, rather, are what you should be worried about. They can hit hard, and considering how the dungeon is laid out, they’re designed to wear down your characters. While the Trandimension Terminate is nowhere near the most annoying enemy in the dungeon, later obstacles get much more irritating and Cocoon-pizza costly.

Like the 6 eldritch abominations we fight at the end.


Ban | Offense: 1 | IQ: 2 | Luck: 1 | HP: 2


Why is a Magic Butterfly here?

Because it can be.


And then we get attacked by a half-shifting Starman. Groovy. Get the hell out of my way, vermin -I’ve got a doctor to murder!


Meet Jerkass of the Jungle: the Giegue League. If you’re too lazy to put two and two together, the thing’s probably Dr. Andonuts’ mental interpretation of Earthbound. Indeed, the eldritch abomination here is probably the second-most lethal enemy in the dungeon.

Which isn’t saying much, considering that it’s the endgame. But meh…


One of the first abrasions the Giegue League will cast on our party is hemlock. The jerk here loves screwing around with poison, and can ruin our day with extreme prejudice.


Next, it can follow up with a punch to the face, or a heal to itself. At this point in the proceedings, a punch to the face can straight up murder any party member under 50-60 HP.


Finally, the Giegue League, from time to time, will attempt to aggravate us with political fury. However, it’s utterly futile due to the lack of PP and an excessive amount of Obamacare.

He used Michelle Obama’s bullshit school lunch program against us. Can’t get Cheddar Sunchips anymore thanks to her. I am annoyed.

Sure.


If PSI Obama Alpha does work for some reason, all you need to do is chow down a Cocoon Pizza.



And with a few thumps to the noggin, Jerry and his comrades have successfully vanquished the Giegue League to the ether.


The Giegue League almost always drop a Cocoon pizza, so even if you use one, there’s a good chance you’ll get it back.

Is it literally made out of cocoons?

Nah, I think the description said it was made out of sugar.


Mom | Defense: 1 | Speed: 2 | HP: 2 | PP: 2 | Learned Freeze Beta


OP | HP: 1 | Learned PSI Magnet Omega

Dammit, OP. That was a sucky level.


Immediately after our barroom brawl with the Giegue League, we get into a fight with a scorpion. Hey, if we could get into fights with Mel Brooks’ Dracula, I’m sure we could get into fights with venomous, inferior beings.


Say hi to the Brain Buster. The little Metroid knock-off is probably the most harmless enemy in the game. It does crap 50% of the time, and when it does do something, it usually utilizes Brainshock Omega and vomit. Really, the only noteworthy thing about the bastardized football is the fact that it has a shield.

Reminds me of Spikeweed from Plants Vs. Zombies.


It looks like -*takes off sunglasses*- appetizer is ready to be served.

Unless it doesn’t meet the standards of Michelle Obama’s school lunch program.


Don’t worry about anything in the black portions -they serve as walls to the landscape.


Da-na-na-naaaaahh!

“Planet Buster”
Jerry can equip this weapon.

The most powerful weapon in existence. A sword so strong, it has the power to destroy planets. Galaxies, universes can be felled with a single blow from such a weapon.

Just holding it causes your hands to tingle. It gives you an incredible surge of power when used in battle.


The Planet Buster was Jerry/Ares’ best weapon in Brandish 1, not to mention that it served as a plot device in Brandish 2. It’s obviously inferred that it’s Jerry’s best weapon in the game, upgrading his attack by...a measly two points. Kind of a let down, considering that it utterly destroyed everything in the Brandish games, but I’ll take what I can get.


Hell’s Bells it’s infested. Quick, someone call the exterminator!


Ban | Offense: 1 | Defense: 2 | Speed: 3 | Guts: 2 | Vitality: 1 | IQ: 1 | HP: 6


If you’ve played Earthbound, you should know what the Neutralizer does (neutralizes buffs, debuffs, and shields on everyone). It gets handed over to Ban.


Jerry levels up after pummeling a Giegue League into the ground.

Jerry | HP: 3


OP does as well. Hopefully, he’ll do a bit better this time.

Surely OP will deliver.

OP | Offense: 1 | Defense: 2 | Speed: 1 | IQ: 1 | HP: 1 | PP: 5 | Learned Lightning Beta | Learned Lifeup Omega | Learned Cleanse Gamma

Much better. Considering that he’s the only one who learns Lifeup Omega, OP gets put on healer/support duty for the rest of the game.


Geezy Chreezy, the whole thing is mindblowing. Who did Andonuts’ hire for renovations…?


Generic healing item, but better than a Sky Nectar. Ditch and retrieve.


The Sea of Eve, or whatever you want to call it, isn’t all that bad, despite how it looks. Really, if you prepare well, the most difficulty you’ll have is trying to ease your way through the area.

Also: the walking Anubis-Hieroglyph down there isn’t an enemy -it’s a warp point.


One teleport later, and we’re in Earthbound’s final dungeon. Considering the scenery, the party-member-turned-robots, and the Phase Distorter down in the bottom right...yeah it’s a throwback to Earthbound.

igetthatreference.jpng


Like in Earthbound’s final dungeon, the Phase Distorter will allow you to rest up and/or save. Since you can’t backtrack to Magicant anytime soon, a break point is much obliged.


As such, it provides an excellent grinding spot if you’re slacking in that department. Considering that the enemies drop massive amounts of money, as well as experience, the Sea of Eve is an ideal spot to wreak havoc and unleash your inner evil.


The reason why I’m pointing this out? The last shop has the most expensive stuff in the game, and you’re likely to spend every nook and cranny on it.

I don’t think you used that phrase right...


Mom | Speed: 1 | Guts: 2 | Vitality: 2 | IQ: 2 | Luck: 2 | HP: 28 | PP: 8

Now if only Jerry could have that kind of luck...


Ban | IQ: 1 | HP: 1

Dammit, Ban.


OP | Offense: 1 | Speed: 1 | Luck: 1 | HP: 2 | PP: 1


A two-for-one deluxe combo set!

OP | Offense: 3 | Defense: 2 | Vitality: 2 | IQ: 2 | HP: 26 | PP: 9 | Learned Cleanse Omega | Learned Barrier Omega

Welp, it looks like OP is stuck playing as support.

Support characters suck. Case in Point: My skillset is Mastermind in Payday 2. The only time it doesn’t suck is in Killing Floor.

Also Eris has zero idea about anything I just said.


Ban | IQ: 1 | Luck: 1 | HP: 2

Come to think of it, IQ is completely useless for Ban, since there isn’t anything to fix in-game.


And thus Badass Falcom Protagonist raises a level.

Jerry | Offense: 1 | Defense: 1 | IQ: 1 | HP: 1 | PP: 5


Alright, I think it’s time we moved on. Given that I’m going to run through the dungeon twice, I’ve been spending way too much time here.


Mutilating a Brain Buster results in a level for Mom and OP.

Mom | HP: 1

Gee that was worth it.


OP | HP: 2 | PP: 2


*sigh*

Ban | IQ: 1 | Luck: 1 | HP: 3


Same noise, different tune.

OP | Defense: 1 | Speed: 1 | HP: 3



Jerry | Speed: 1 | Guts: 1 | Vitality: 1 | Luck: 1 | HP: 8 | Learned Whiteshock Omega

You know what? At this point, I think I’ll just inform you of the important level ups.


At the end of the path, a teleporter blocks our way. I suppose there’s no other way to proceed, is there?

It’s the Dirty Bubble!

One teleport later...


I believe that we’ve just entered the third-last area of the dungeon. A Magic Butterfly usually spawns here, so you can enter/exit as many times to refill your PP.

Yet another teleport later...


The next area is a straight path forward. No hijinks, detours, or psychological mind-screws. Just a straight path across.


And the tiny enclave here is the final portion of the dungeon. The triangular gap leads to the real Sea of Eve, and it’s what I consider to be the hardest part of the game. It’s prudent that you save and fill up on PP before jumping into the fray…



Earthbound OST - Sea of Eden


Alright, here we go. In order to get past the area and into the final town/rest area in the game, we have to beat up 6 mini-bosses. They’re all the same enemy, and despite how I’ve been treating the game’s difficulty thus far, these guys are the real deal.

Also, that water can’t be sanitary.

Grape Kool-Aid, sponsored by Jim Jones.


And here’s mini-boss #1. Despite looking like Krakens, they, in fact, look nothing like Krakens. Gee, so much for artistic license…

Earthbound OST - Frank's Theme


Instead, they look like an amalgamation between a ghost and a saggy Tonberry. Despite how it looks however, the Robot Master here can kick my arse seven ways sideways.


To ruin your day with relative ease, the Amalgamate has a ton of aggressions up its sleeves. From firing thunderbolts in every direction, to axing someone for 50+ damage, to roasting the party with PSI Obama Alpha/political injustice...the list never ends.


Really, the only strategy I can offer is to duke it out and stay alive. Feel free to use as many Cocoon pizzas as you feel necessary, in order to keep everyone’s HP up.

This cannot be healthy in the waistline department.


And so Jerry Toraernos shredded a mechanical-monstrosity into tiny little pieces, and sent it to the junkyard. With condolences to the garbage man, of course.


Mom | Offense: 1 | IQ: 1 | HP: 3 | PP: 5


Ban | Offense: 2 | Defense: 3 | Guts: 2 | Vitality: 1 | IQ: 3 | Luck: 1 | HP: 9

Level 16 is the target zone to tackle the final boss. Once we get everyone else up to speed, we’ll be able to wrap up this game once and for all.


Surprisingly enough, I was able to get to our next destination without encountering any more Amalgamates. Save scumming probably helped in that regard.

But there’s...one right there...


: “Oh, wait, didn’t need to tell you that. *giggle* *kiss*"

Screen fades to white…



Radiation’s Halloween Hack OST - Twoson Love Theme


Well, here’s the end of the road. Our final stop for today is in the humble abode of...wherever the grassy landscape is. I don’t know, do I look like a doctor to you?

The star does absolutely nothing, so feel free to ignore it.


: “It’s even okay if you barf on the customers.”
: “Yeah...screw that. It’s ass kicking time.”
: “Would it not hurt to be a little...less violent?”
: “...I don’t follow.”


: “Go get that monster!”

You know...as much as I hate Pirkle, I have to admit that the comment was pretty uplifting.


What it says on the tin -It teleports you back to Magicant. The upside of this is that you can go through the dungeon again. The downside of this is that you have to go through the dungeon again.




Mr. Arms Dealer here is the main purpose of the area. He sells the best stuff in the game, including Hawaiian pizza and Horn of Life (revival item). I’ll probably make another round of the dungeon in order to stock up.

There’s also an ATM here if you need it.

Weren’t you just question mind-ATMs, like, three updates ago?


: “Wouldn’t it be nice to go on a date sometime? … come back to us, we all miss you! Use the portal in the middle of town.”

The portal/star does absolutely nothing.


: “But you might not like what you see. Jerry… you know you don’t have to fight. You have a choice. Come back to Twoson. We all love you there. Just use the portal in middle of town and forget about what you’re doing now…”


You heard the man. Once we enter, there’s no going back. This is the final destination.

Great idea, terrible sequels.