Part 11: Episode XI: Text Adventure
Episode XI: Text Adventure
When last we left our heroes, they were staring down the face of utter ridiculousness. With that said, let's get back to the giant chess pieces...
"I don't know how... But somehow... Somehow this is your fault, Rebecca."
"Oh, what? Is it my fault? Sure, blame the Jewish guy. Oh, Billy killed Jesus! Billy killed 23 people! Billy caused the giant chess piece puzzle! You can't blame all your problems on me. It's your anti-semitic attitude that's eventually going to justify my piledriving you through a table like Mike-fucking-Haggar."
"You've got problems..."
"Yeah. They're short, have a fat ass, and caused the giant puzzle piece puzzle."
"Hey wait, I found something. Does it mean anything?"
"Yup. A checkmate. Close game."
"Oh, so we're the fucking chess master now, are we? Well, guess what game wizard? Guess who gets to push the giant puzzle pieces? Maybe after that we can playing fucking advanced Dungeons and Dragons and you can be a fucking orc mage or some shit."
"I don't even think they have orc mages in that."
"And that's why you're pushing the game pieces."
Stupid lousy uncultured jerk. I'll show him. Just you wait!
Had to join this stupid team. Couldn't have gone to med school. No, I had to be a cop. Couldn't have been a normal cop. Nooooo. I had to join S.T.A.R.S. What even happened to the rest of my team? I bet the black guy is dead.
Rebecca finishes the retarded puzzle.
This causes the normal sized chess board to magically slide over. Why couldn't they just move the thing? Why have a puzzle when the answer is two feet away from it? WHY?!
"Okay, this had better be porn. If this isn't porn, your nerd girl ass is getting a wedgie."
Only multi-piece goth shit like this could ever make me miss the days of boundless emblems.
Yes, something much more horrible. The longest file in the entire series... Mostly due to the crappy, oversized font of the game. But, none the less. 33 pages of scrolling await...
Marcus' Diary 1
Later on down the road, this would be a weekly exclamation.
"I put it in this thermos I bought down at the Piggly Wiggly. Ought to be good enough to contain it."
"Yup. Gonna make me a great company. We'll be so rich we'll have a private island. No! A few private islands. With a death camp on each of them. And we'll have underground laboratories. Underwater laboratories. Under sewer laboratories. Hell, we'll have a lab inside a lab."
"Can I do my research in one of these laboratories?"
"Then fuck off and do whatever you want."
Now, old Ozwell Spencer is the founder and head of Umbrella, who has a ton of build-up in a shit load of files between Code Veronica, the remake of the original game, and this title. Except...Resident Evil 4 came around and old Spencer never makes an appearance in any form. His only revealed personality trait is that he's Saddler level cartoonishly villainous. Which, we'll see more of when we get to the Remake.
"So, what are you going to call this great company of yours?"
"I was thinking Evil Hat Industries. Or maybe Blood Explosion Monopoly! "
"Forget I asked. Hey, I need some more butter for my virus research. I think it's gonna rain. Can I borrow your jacket?"
"Sorry. Only got a parasol."
"What kind of nancy are you? It's a damn umbrella."
"Jim, you're a genius!"
And thus, Umbrella was born.
"He even came in here and made sure I capitalized the 't' in 'training' because it was extra special. Who does that?!"
There must be some Yes and No check box on Umbrella applications which states "Will you use company facilities for unauthorized personal use?"
Anyone who puts down no is immediately rejected and dropped down a bottomless pit (note: pit is actually only 53 meters deep. It's just really dark.)
You know, I don't know who I'm more concerned about in this series. All the crazed scientists that have this unhealthy fixation or their deadly viral mutagen creations. Or all the higher-ups that think deadly viral mutagen is a profitable business venture. Most concerning are the people who are actually willing to buy said deadly viral mutagen at any point down the road.
He's funding the guy's research, owns his facility, and is his boss. How much more influence can he get?
The game is over? The file is over, at least? Oh god! There's still a second disc! A SECOND DISC!
Oh, was that all? Wait, what?!
So, the start of this history of mutant vaginas all began with some crazy old coot sprinkling some spooky virus on some leeches. Well, glad they made a prequel to tell us that.
I forget, how did we go from "leeches are the key!" to "I need man flesh!"?
"Nobody can see through my fudging of the budget records! I said it was all for cookies. Who can argue with cookies? NO ONE!"
<insert villainous cackle>
:alert: Dr. Marcus is fucking leeches! I repeat, Dr. James Marcus is going down on leeches! :alert:
Again, how did we go to "bugger off and leave me to my research" to "leeches!" to "I need more bodies" to "leeches!" again, then to "I need to control the company" with another side of "leeches!" This fucker is Cocoa Puffs.
"How dare that bastard move my giant novelty chess pieces! He will pay! Oh yes! Dearly! ...Leeches!"
"As a counter-measure, I blew have my quarterly budget installing antique armor and vintage battle swords to secure the entrance using a mechanism rigged to the clock in the attic. Then I hid one of the hands behind a moose head where no one would leech it. Leech."
"Surely, the guy who wears sunglasses 24/7 and the surly fellow with the perpetual rape face will never backstab me. Nor will my precious leeches! Leech!"
A hollow-point round to the back of the head in a dark corridor.
Thank you! It's finally over. Our heroes return to the previous hallway and venture to the room at the end of the corridor.
Where in they find... You're shittin' me...
First Investigation Unit Notes
Wouldn't want to avoid a tedious inventory based puzzle later on, would we.
Who'd of thought. Not like any of you work for a FUCKING CHEMICAL COMPANY!
Someone admitted incompetence at Umbrella? This poor soul was probably immediately shot. Due to the misfire from a teammate who thought the helmet his comrade was wearing was actually a deadly head crab... Quite tragic, really.
Why can't I just find these chemicals sitting around? I know I'm going to have to mix this crap later on? Why do you taunt me with crappy gameplay to come? What did I ever do to you?
In that same room we have a part of this puzzle which won't be solved for a very long time. So, let's forget about it.
The pair return to the main hallway.
The two statues, now balanced perfectly, reveal another zany secret passage. This one behind the portrait of Dr. Leechopolis. But, let's stay on track with the exploration and keep at the whole armor door thing...
Like the...holy shit! The front door is open! Freedom!
"Finally, no more leech fetish old men diaries and fat bottom girls! Glorious freedom!"
"No more meat head jerks pushing me around and no more gasoline burning my eyes!"
"I'm going to go back to med school as soon as I get out of here. Forget this police crap."
"I'm going to go bang a stripper dressed like a police woman just because she'll be more attractive than you!"
"If the chess puzzle wasn't your fault, then this sure as fuck is."
Tune in next time for more wandering around like a jackass! Hopefully, with less files. But, no promises. It's all sort of a blur!