Part 12: Episode XII: Last Train to Clarksville
Episode XII: Last Train to Clarksville
When last we left our heroes, they found themselves doomed to venture through James Marcus' spooky fun house for a time longer. With that said, let's begin...
Didn't we start in this place going through a train tunnel? How the hell did we end up on a mountain top by means of a twenty foot ladder?
In any case, that item Rebecca saw earlier, atop the pillar, is out of reach. And since the pair cannot do any useful team-up mechanics, unless plot convenient, they're forced to improvise.
With crate pushing puzzles! Yes, you'll recall that moveable crate atop the elevator. It's just a simple matter of sliding it into the pillar and claiming the bounty atop.
*THROWS KEYBOARD INTO THE FUCKING WALL*
Well, that was a bust and I think I popped a blood vessel in my forehead. Anyway, one last armor door back in giant centipede central.
There is a trio of Plague Crawlers guarding the area now. It must be some giant insect hang out spot. The nice thing about these three Plague Crawlers is that they don't have an animation to climb down stairs, being big dopey bugs. As such, Capcom tossed up an enemy only invisible wall parallel to said staircase.
They also programmed their AI to not attack unless within a very close range. As such, the entire span between the wall and the staircase is impossible for the monsters to attack you, due to sheer shitty programming.
Good times were had by all.
The pair scoot by the creatures defeated by shoddy gameplay mechanics and proceed through the final armor door.
Which leads to, of course, an observatory... Where Umbrella researchers can take time off to admire the stars, company spy satellite, and Chinese death ray. What this has to do with chemical research? Your guess is as good as mine.
a keyhole anywhere.
That's because the door to Disc 2 requires, you guessed it...
Emblems! Three, to be exact. One for each of Umbrella's pseudo-fascist motto. Guess what our new longstanding goal is.
With no where else to go, the pair head back to the main hallway.
Whelp, that ominous secret staircase behind the portrait of Dr. Leechopolis has been sitting open far too long not to explore.
"BY THE EYEBROWS OF EUGENE LEVEY!"
These are the obligatory giant hair gross spiders. They bite. They spit acid. They show up about three times the entire game. Moving on...
"Rebecca, why would you lock this door?"
"I didn't lock anything!"
"And then lie to me about it. I've very disappointed in you."
"You're a jerk, you know that?"
"Yeah. I'm a jerk. A jerk that could scalp your floozie ass and use your hair as a fucking kippah. Now, come on. You're going to need to find a key to this door."
Another room, another file... Joy of joys... I wonder how many I've done so far in this series... Good god...
Correctional Institute Inmates List
My god... It must be like... Dozens... Files... So very many... Jesus, Dead Aim had like twenty and it was only two hours long...
The duo head into the next room of the basement. Which appears to be some sort of evil medieval dungeon. This is still more believable than the observatory. I mean, it is Umbrella.
"That is, assuming, your plump ass can make it through that vent and you don't give me a hernia trying to lift you."
"I hate you."
"And I hate Mondays."
"That doesn't even make sense!"
"Just like why your fat ass isn't moving yet!"
Why wasn't this an option back at the column at the beginning of the update?
I'm convinced they saved budget costs by just ripping lines from a few late night Cinemax movies and dubbing them onto Billy and Rebecca.
After much struggling, Rebecca goes head first though the vent and somehow manages to drop down to her feet on the other side. Cat like reflects or lazy animation? You decide.
So, our plucky young heroine finds herself in the obligatory medieval torture room of the facility. What ghastly horrors await her...? Oh, I'll tell you what...
About the Power Regulator
"As such, we've downgraded from high sinister setting to mildly menacing to the mansion facility."
"Pfft. Electricity? Who needs it?"
Why am I reading this? Why am I making other people read this? What monster have I become?!
Which leads us to the next horror...
A shitty puzzle...
Rebecca is locked in the torture chamber. Apt, I suppose, for a torture chamber to be locked. Except, they put the control for the entire floor's power grid in the corner of it...
We have another nutty brain teaser. Instead of just having an 'on' and 'off' switch. There are five switches which can be flipped up or down. Up will cause the meter at the top to move whatever space is indicated by the tiny meter above the switch. Flipping the switch down will move it down the same amount of space. The objective is to make the meter rest on the 70. We did this exact fucking puzzle in Resident Evil 2.
I wouldn't be surprised if I went back and the answer was exactly the same as well. Nobody is trying in the team that developed this. It's like the entire game was developed and programmed by people phoning it in.
In any case, dicking around with the power grid makes this door unlock for no reason.
It also makes the steam (hot steam, mind you) way back in the boiler room stop.
Meanwhile, at some crazy HAL looking security camera. Someone peers in on Rebecca's progress.
Shit, I could have told you that eleven updates ago.
Rebecca can't actually hear any of this. An off-site remote location deep underground? Full video and audio feed. An evil torture chamber in the very same facility? Not even a lousy microphone feed.
So that's where that faint scent of urine is coming from.
"...Smithers. Release the monkeys..."
"Which monkeys, g?"
"...the zombie monkeys."
Meanwhile, back at the torture chamber clearly sealed in all directions other than the vent Rebecca initially crawled through.
Zombie Monkey out of fucking nowhere!
"KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME!"
"BANANA SLAMMA, BITCH!"
Rebecca tosses the ape aside, after a brief mauling. Shouldn't she have the T-Virus now... Aah... Forget it...
"TIME FOR ROUND TWO, SUGAR TITS!"
How will Rebecca escape this latest peril?!
By falling through the floor, straight into a completely unrelated peril, of course.
Tune in next time for something entirely different! Also, maybe saving Rebecca or something. I don't even know anymore!
Evil Zombie Monkey Attack: