Part 18: Episode XVIII: Filing Along

Episode XVIII: Filing Along

When last we left our heroes, they did battle with a giant zombie bat and climbed on a church roof. With that said, let's get crazy...with reading...


The duo find themselves in yet another mansion. An underground mansion or something. I don't even know anymore.


If the update title didn't clue you in, we're doing some heavy reading this episode...

Marcus' Diary 2

Well, thank god. It was probably part of a six volume tome.


I can't tell if this is supposed to be the scribbling of an extra batshit Marcus, poorly translated, or just plain badly written. Maybe a bit of all three...


"There's no way those chemical company fools could figure out how to make a chemical!"


Another highlight of the room is yet another service lift.


As well as another hole in the ceiling. That's right! It's time for yet another extended character split-up. As par for the course, Rebecca is going up.

"Damn right she is! I'm using any nancy grappling hook unless it's some sweet dealie like the fucking Batman. And if there's potential of getting in a knife fight with Batman. I always wanted to do that."


Anyhow, while it is possible to send up Billy, the game throws the biggest asshole move it can muster if you make this choice. I'll elaborate in a bit...


Ahh. The obligatory run-down laboratory setting. We must be nearing the end game, right?
Capcom: "Pfft. You wish. Here's a file, asshole!" <kicks you in the nuts>

Laboratory Manager's Diary

I know Marcus is the director and all, but shouldn't there be a security staff of some sort that do this sort of thing?


Penis size during erection.


Leech sex... Oh gawd! Is that why the zombie leeches are transforming into him?!

Filing right along...


Further ahead, we have the obligatory horrible human experiment leftovers. Pickled intestines, corpses with twisted expressions of utter agony, leech zombies with the jazz hands. Does anyone think it's a bit ironic they built this place under a church? Spencer shows up in Resident Evil 5 and he's really Satan and the series dips into kooky demon territory. Calling it now.


Further ahead, we have Marcus' babies. Stuck in Metroid sized capsules.


Flicking a switch to turn the shading to red reveals one of them glows in the dark. I'm glad Dr. Leechopolis' research went to good work.


I don't even want to know what the gooey brown coating ceiling the leech in is. Rebecca's new objective is to create a stripping agent to open the capsule. Since, it's sealed in some sort of special glass that you can't just break over a table, I guess.


Further ahead, Rebecca finds herself on the balcony overlooking the initial hallway. Seeing a shiny button, she immediately presses it with reckless abandon.



This raises the wall below the balcony to reveal more hallway. As I'm sure moving ten feet of brick with a sliding mechanism is far more cost effective than a lock.


Three magical doors (one's behind her) appear before Officer Chambers. Well, two. As the aforementioned off-screen one is locked. Behind door number one is...


A locked control room of some sort.


And a...cable car? I don't like where this is going...


Behind door number two we have yet another file scattered amongst the '50s pulp sci-fi tech.

Leech Growth Records

*****February 3rd, 1978*****

"They bite things and they fuck... They're perfect!"

*****February 10th, 1978*****

Was he writing the colored words in marker? Perhaps, crayon?

*****March 7th, 1978*****

"They've stopped eating each other! Progress!"

*****April 22nd, 1978*****

"Nigga, west coast leeches keep it real fo life!"
"Representin', motherfucka!"
"Bitch, throw up yo gang sign?"
"Gang sign? You straight trippin'. I ain't even got any fuckin' arms!"
"Shit... I ain't thoughta that. Well, fuck. We gots theses eyes growing outta our back. Give 'em the evil eye!"
"You a straight busta. Let's roll down on those bitch ass giant frogs down the block."
"Bitches ain't gonna expect no drive-bye by no leeches!"
"Word up."


<snicker>


"Gimme a taste of that sweet white ass."

*****June 3rd, 1978*****


"I wonder if I... I mean, they're leeches, even if they look like me... That wouldn't be like fucking yourself, would it? Nah..."


In the same room, we have a canister of unidentified chemical which Rebecca haphazardly dumps into her medical mixing set. And this is why we don't hire 18 year olds as field medics.

Next to the random chemical, we have a room filled with toxic gas for no particular reason other than silly shaped keys are out of fashion. It's all about the random chemical and gas components with these whippersnappers these days. No respect, I tell ya.


room next door.
The device is empty right
now.


Moving right along, Becky finds the other half of the dumbwaiter. Which, will of course, lead to partner swapping hijinks in mere moments.



But first, more random dumping of chemicals into containers and hoping for the best. Rebecca then proceeds to dump the brew on the canister of leech she'd just acquired and let magic happen.


Sure, Spencer's men never would have figured it out. It would take a teenager with obsessive compulsive tendencies to solve the case.

Now, what does one do with a frozen blue leech? I'm glad you asked.


For some grumpy old leech fucking mad scientist that wanted everyone to leave him along; this guy has more pictures, statues, and busts of himself than Alfie Ashford ever did.


They both have a lack for identical dopey key doors, though. Guess who is going to need this frozen leech, and subsequently find a second frozen leech? They didn't put in that dumbwaiter for nothing...


But first, a file. As you jerks made me stop playing Bioshock to do this update and will suffer accordingly.

Investigator's Report

So...wait... This facility has been shut down for twenty years?! So we've been fighting 20+ year old zombie monkeys?


"Two words: leech hentai."


"So, we rubbed our collective chins and said to ourselves 'this chap had the right idea'. And the rest is history..."


"Again, his man had vision. We'll have this policy in full implementation by the end of this fiscal year."


"Leeches are so 1970s. It's all about the vagina blobs and leather clad tentacle troopers."


So all the monsters have been roaming around for twenty years and nobody noticed? Aren't prequels meant to clarify previous plotlines? Not make them mindblowingly retarded? Or was that practice thrown out with the Star Wars second trilogy?


I love how half these files pretty much end on a 'I'm tired of writing, the rest is missing.' Even the intern they hired to write the things is phoning it in. With a bit of help from the translator that couldn't toss his work into a spell check on MS Word.

Rebecca tosses aside the latest scribblings and ventures back to the service elevator.


Just so you know, to send this fucking leech down it requires a three prompt description of what the service lift does, a prompt saying whether you want to place something in, a slow animation of the door opening, a trip to the inventory screen, another prompt to select the item, then a slow animation of the door closing and a sound of the thing going down. Then the exact same process in reverse to collect it down below. I'd just like to share.

Billy collects the leech and heads back into the newly opened hallway.


There's a couple of locked doors here I'll mention in a moment, but first I'd like to tell you what happens if you send Billy upstairs. You know that stripping agent thing? Billy can't make it, as he's Jewish and thus retarded with herbal use and chemical mixing or something... I must have missed that stereotype. In any case, if Rebecca remains downstairs, this is one of the two canisters to make the agent. The second one? Oh, it's just...


ALL THE WAY BACK IN THE FIRST FUCKING MANSION! I've already e-mailed Webster's Dictionary about this and requesting 'Capcom' be added as a synonym for 'asshole(s)'.


Anyway, there's a combination lock missing its combination part. Who steals this kind of shit? Priceless suits of armor? Forget that noise. I'm snaking the locker lock.


Next to that, there's another Marcus bust door. This one, unlocked by the frozen (statue?) leech. And there was much rejoicing.


"This part of the game is so boring I swear I'm going to fall asleep between one of these character swaps and wake up as a middle aged black woman."


"I don't even know what the hell this is, but I can hold onto it to shove into Rebecca's inventory. Maybe make a joke about making sure she keeps it away from her pants. Cuz it sorta kinda looks like a sex toy if you squint. Aww... I'll think of something..."

One more file for the road...



"It's the '30s. Hippies and Goths haven't been invented yet. Get a haircut, fag. - Spencer."


A startling revelation! Dr. Marcus was old!


Billy's Jew Grip™ transmutated the photograph into a full book.


That's right, folks. Billy has been pondering the identity of weirdo on a hill, in the dark, in a rain shower, fifty feet away, five hours ago; who has not had a single interaction with either of our heroes directly since then.

Tune in next time for more aimless wandering and item fetching. As well as a cable car ride which bends time and space!