Part 19: Episode XIX: The Death of William Cohen
Episode XIX: The Death of William Cohen
They wandered around reading boring files translated by a hung over intern and dicked around with dull item fetch quests. So, no real change... With that said, let's get crackin'...
Marcus' room had a skeleton in it. I just wanted to share. I'm surprised there hasn't been skeleton warriors in the series...yet...
The back room of Marcus' study has the usual assortment of antique statues.
As well as a rather disturbing depiction of a robed woman jamming a green leech into her private places. Or a guy letting his leech trooper out of its robe pouch. I never could interpret art well.
There's an entire post game mini-game unlocked involving collecting 100 of these things. I kid you not. I almost thing Marcus is based off someone in the development team which had a position of moderate power, but everyone kept the fuck away from since he was muttering about leeches all day.
Anyhow, a spot of backtracking and the tedious as hell item to elevator process and Rebecca has herself a shiny new leech statue...charm...thing...
The back room leads to a morgue. Nobody knew about Marcus' experiments when they had a fucking morgue constructed in his private facility? No eyebrows raised?
A canister half Rebecca's size, and likely her body weight, presents itself. The kid must be building up some upper body strength by the end of this game.
The power of science at work. It's unclear why there was nerve gas in that room to begin with. But the chemical in the morgue said it would take care of it and by god, I have faith in Umbrella's products.
In no way, shape, or form would I deduce this is a 'breeding room key'. It's even clearly marked as such from the get go. There's probably a picture of apes fucking each other's brains out on the back, or something.
What's in the breeding room, you ask? Well, horrible mutants. But, more importantly, files!
"But, by god, we'll try. We'll try..."
"We should just stick with making cold medicine. You'll be burning billions and lead to the eventual downfall of the company should you continue research. Bad."
Translation: Bugs are pretty freaky already, so making them really big ought to be enough for the design team.
Oh Jesus H. Christ. Why would you inject, of all the creatures in the world, a frog?! What part of a fucking FROG would anyone consider useful as a fucking biological weapon? IT'S A FUCKING FROG!! IT'S CHIEF OFFENSIVE TECHNIQUE IS PISSING!! PISSING!! WHY?!?!?
So the zombie monkeys are not only twenty years old, but also blind? And they just love to fuck.
"PS: Humans turn into rotting reanimated corpses and occasionally transsexual blobs. End research immediately. I'm selling my shares in the company as you read this."
Rebecca files away that half-assed attempt at explaining the generic enemy design and continues her quest...
Ain't got no clue, darlin'.
Oh boy, more dumbwaiter shenanigans await. Can I go back to playing Bioshock?
Billy retrieves the locker dial and returns to the earlier door.
That file about the leeches earlier written in crayon or perhaps marker with the special colored words emphasized? That's the answer to this puzzle.
Marcus started with four leeches. = 4
The leeches doubled. = 8
Two leeches died. = 6
Half the leeches died. = 3
4863. Myst, this is not.
Billy heads on into the new area.
"...to make fun of Rebecca."
Billy calls her up on the radio.
"Rebecca here? Who the hell else is going to call you? Senor Pornstache, your boss?"
"I'm trying to stay official."
"Is that before or after you failed to tell your boss you're having wet dreams about the mass murder you're hanging out with?"
"What was I supposed to tell him? I've been solving dopey puzzles in a haunted house with you all day?"
"Well, that'd cover the cooperating part. Wet dream part is still out there. Bwahaha. You're a little whore, aren't ya?"
"Just tell me what you found, already..."
"Some Jenny Craig diet for your fat ass. Bwahaha."
Yes, surely this secret cable car system deep in an Umbrella facility will lead to safety and not, ya know, another Umbrella facility...
"Double time it. I've got something else in my inventory that might make you happy. Bwahaha."
"You have severe issues."
"If awesomeness is a disease, baby I'm the fucking plague."
"That doesn't even make sense."
"Fatass says what?"
On the list of utterly useless gadgetry, Billy discovers a moving platform with a ladder to reunite with Rebecca.
Also, one more item for the old 'hey, just in case' school of puzzle solving.
Rebecca reunites with Billy. Billy promptly motions to the hook shot...
Escorts her to a hole in the ceiling. And snaps his fingers.
And that is, thankfully, the final time the hookshot must be utilized.
Billy shoves his two gizmos into their respect doohickey spots and throws the switch on the controls.
I wonder if Umbrella contracted the same cable car company as the one in Resident Evil 2. Must have gotten a good package deal.
The pair proceed to the newly activated road to 'safety'.
In the shadows, which are brightly lit and easily seen from that moving platform completely overlooking the cable car, evil lurks...
"KILL HIM ZOMBIE MONKEY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KILL HIM!"
"I'M FUCKING WORKING ON IT, OKAY!"
Huh? What just happened? Did that zombie monkey just spank Rebecca's ass so hard it made it start bleeding. Oh god, this is hilarious. Quick, I gotta think of a good one-liner.
"Hey, Rebecca. Finally have that -"
"Motherfucker! You ruined it! That was fucking hilarious and you ruined it! You Muppet Babies looking sonuvabitch! Come on Fozy, I got your fucking number right here!"
"Motherfucking Cohen Spinning Piledriver, biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch...!"
"Niggas, what all that commotion down by that wack ass cable car thing?"
"Let's roll, homies. Someone be steppin' on our turf."
"Oh snaaaaap. That a fiiiiine piece of white ass. I gonna tap that thing so hard bitch'll be growing eyes out of it by morning."
"Damn straight. I could use that shit as a pillow."
"Hot damn! Calm down, playas. We needs to do this one straight and all gentle like."
"Let me handle this..."
"Oh shit! The fuck is this? I think it's a boy or something."
"Oh, nigga. You gay as a motherfucker. I told you that was a dude."
"Shit. Maybe she one of 'em lesbo types. Freaky bitches."
"Shit, I don't care. I been pretending to be an old white suit all day. Let's roll, homies."
Tune in next time for familiar locations from the distant past that we in no way, shape, or form should be revisiting! Also, exposition and monsters with downs!