Part 20: Episode XX: Party Hard
Episode XX: Party Hard
When last we left our heroes, one of them had just piledrived a zombie monkey...right off a bottomless pit. With that said, let's take a shit on any sort of plausibility...
"Turn out 'em lights. We getting' freaky baby!"
"I hopes you can handle something this long."
"You trippin' fool. That's our arm."
"Nigga, if we can stretch that like some Street Fighter Indian motherfucker just 'magine whats we be doin' downstairs."
"Oh shit, baby! Don't be a playa hata! Awwwwharf."
Rebecca ventures back upstairs to investigate what happened with the cable car power.
"Dats right, bitch. We done stole your radio? Duh fuck you gonna do 'bout it, cracka?"
"OH SHIT! This crazy bitch is packin'. Pour one for me, homies! Hafragale!"
Seems like we're back in business.
"Omigod! Omigod! Is that...?" <looks around>
"I can just call this thing 'Billy' and it's like the jerk was never gone."
Is Raccoon City like Springfield? It's got a massive mountainous forest on one side, a huge desert on the other side, and a cave system that would make Jules Verne blush beneath.
Becky arrives at a seemingly innocent little platform. I'm sure escape is just a stone-throw away.
Sure, just past this warehouse. Freedom from this game.
...we are not where I think we are...
A fifty yard open shaft leading down for a half mile. Jesus H. Christ, we're outside Birkin's lab from Resident Evil 2!
This game is all just a bad dream and the ending is Rebecca waking up in that store room in Resident Evil 1 after just coming off an Umbrella sponsored bender with the chemicals in there... Right? RIGHT?!
Someone must really like discarding that key on the floor in this monitor room. Speaking of... If Mr. X is staring at me in that camera, I quit...
fluid inside a capsule.
Those damn humaniods! When will they ever learn?
Rebecca returns upstairs to the save room she skipped past to do the exact same thing we did in Resident Evil 2.
You know your prequel is being put to good use when you're not bring up important character's pasts or fleshing out plotlines. No... You're graphically updating old save rooms.
Where's the big train car thing with the toilet on it? They just installed a place for people to sit on this thing in the two months between this game?
"An elevator just rose out of a quarter mile shaft in the middle of...where am I, again? Oh well, can't be any worse."
Down down we go. This game just has to end with Rebecca waking up in a fetal position shaking off a bad trip after she chugged a bottle of V-Jolt.
At the bottom, we find Umbrella did a bit of renovation in the few months after this game. Namely, taking out an entire wall and connecting elevator. Oh well, I'm sure exploring the old Resident Evil 2 labs ought to be fun.
What, now? There's no need to search a fucking secret underground base of the same evil corporation from all the other loony locations you'd had no problem farting around in?
Rebecca is mysteriously transported to FMV land upon approaching the elevator. Nothing important is happening. It's just that Rebecca is about to encounter someone who isn't Billy and nobody else has a character model except for Billy... Even though the character in question has a perfectly good one in the REmake...
Oh shit! Elevator! Rebecca's snap reflexes flip into action and she...hides slightly to the side of the elevator...
"Oh, it's just Enri-
Let's try that again...
And dicking around in Birkin's laboratory... The giant reactor area that makes the whole place explode, no less.
"I guess I should have called more than like once... Super sorry."
The entire Bravo Team is dicking around in Birkin's lab?! How could they possibly get here before Rebecca. She rode a fucking speeding train for half a hour. We're back in Raccoon City. Bravo Team walked to fucking Raccoon City, in a forest full of monsters and made it here before Rebecca... Did not a single person on this development team. One tasked to make a proper prequel for Resident Evil 1, not go 'hey...this is totally fucked. We should really try to explain this.'
IF WE WALK STRAIGHT FROM HERE WE CAN GET BACK TO THE FUCKING R.P.D. WE'RE IN FUCKING RACCOON CITY AGAIN! AND DON'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME THE RESIDENT EVIL 1 MANSION IS IN FUCKING WALKING DISTANCE TOO YOU COCKSMOKING BASTARD! <tears hair out>
<lights a cigarette> Do whatever you want, you tart.
"Hey, fuck you pornstache. I'm making it alright. With your mom!
I don't even want to know what magic feats of shitting on geography of remote plausibility could possibly land Rebecca back in Resident Evil 1's mansion at this point.
Great commander. Kid's first day on the job and he's already 'Meh. Whatever. Go find your serial killer buddy. I'm going out for some coffee.'
Mostly because Rebecca is reduced to a cowering useless secondary character in Resident Evil. Just like she is here, just not playable...
Oh well, I guess that means we're not seeing any of the secondary characters again. Guess that leaves Rebecca and Dr. Leechopolis Jr. to hold the weight of the narrative on their shoulders...
Anyway, the elevator key is tossed next to the elevator. It's not the elevator key to that elevator. Oh no, for you see...
Yeah... In Resident Evil 2... I want to do it again, now that I'm here, you pricks!
"I see no reason to search this underground base of mystery and intrigue. I gotta find Billy... And show him my new toy...
Becky proceeds to the elevator that didn't exist in the previous title.
You know how this game loves to multitask... We can't have a bit of exposition without an unnecessary peril or an utterly out of place boss fight...
So, the Tyrant in Resident Evil 1 is dubbed "T-002". Had you ever wondered what happened to "T-001"...? Me neither. But, I'm guessing Umbrella was really curious about it, since it's just sort of wandering around their multi-billion dollar underground laboratory...
"My name...is Buck..."
"And I'm here..." <hic> "...to fuck!"
"S-So get ready to suck! Ha ha. Dude, I've been... I've always wanted to say... to say that... Ha ha."
"Oh, dude. Sorry. Too too much Jack for my own good. Dude... Dude! Dude! You're with S.T.A.R.S. dude?! Oh... ohmahn. Dude, I've got. I've got the funniest joke for you dude... This guy, Nemmy, dude. He told methisjoke. It's great, dude."
"He was likealllike. He was like 'what do ya call...ya call a guy with a...a tentacle through his head?' and I was all like 'what?'. And he...he was all like 'S.T.A.R.S.!!' Heeh. Ha. Cuz he's always like like 'STARS' and shit so it was great. It's way funnier when he toldit. You should like you should totally have him tell you it sometime."
<hurl> "Oh, shit. Sorry, dude. Oh crap. Crap, my bottle. I dropped it."
"Oh man its man its on my pants. Haha. I don't even have any pants. Man. It's warm. Man... I gotta use the bathroom man. I ain't gotta captain anymore but I still gotta go. Man, you believe they took my Captain, dude. Fuckin' Umbrella. Theys all think... They think that fuckin' T-002 is soooooo much better. What do they know? B-Buncha suits and guys wearing sunglasses. Fuck 'em. Ya know?"
"Where the hell did Enrico go? Why didn't I follow him?"
"Dude, that thing is way too...too loud. It's killing my buzz, man."
"Oh maghn. You're pretty cute. Gotta number. M-My girlfriend, Lisa. Bitch dumped me aft-after she found out that assclown T-002 g-got my got job. Fucking slut. Let me get a pen and we should movie totally."
"I left a pen somewhere I was writing down the pizza number and I left the pen. It's here, though. It's..."
<hic> "Oh... Man raincheck man... Oh... Dude, I'm gonna be soooooo hung over in the morning. I had like a bottle of jack, three shots of tequila, like a quarter bottle of Smirnoff, and like eight beers. Dude. Just. The number."
"Party... Party hard, dude... Party hard..."
"Dude, I can't drive. You... You take the keys..."
"I hate my life..."
Tune in next time for more teleporting heroes, vague peril, and an elevator which bends the laws of physics. Maybe a giant frog too!
When you're too lazy to make a proper cutscene:
Proto-Tyrant. Need a reason for him being there? Too bad: