Part 22: Episode XXII: Less Than Compelling
Episode XXII: Less Than Compelling
When last we left our heroes, they were finally reunited by less than believable means. Also, they found some skeletons. With that said, let's get going...
"Where the hell are we, anyway?"
"An underground dam beneath an underground laboratory beneath the Training Facility place...somehow..."
"...that's stupid. You're stupid. Let's go find out where we are."
"So we have to get that thing over there. Alright, here's how we can do it. You stand here and I punt your ass across the gap and you grab it. No? Yeah, it's a flawed plan, isn't it? Your ass is way too fat to make that gap. Bwahaha."
"I just had to get stuck in the game with all the partner puzzles. Me and blue jerk at the office need to have a few words one of these days..."
"Alright, I find moving giant steel boxes sufficiently manly. Park your girth up at the control dealie."
In its infinite effort to perfect tedium, has installed this beauty of a puzzle. It's not difficult, per se. Just unfuckingbelievably tedious. To solve the mindboggler, Billy must first push the giant metal crate east and jump on top of it. Rebecca, then, must use the controls to spin the gate in the middle. Did I mention it takes three prompts just to get to the option of using the control...every time...? No? Well, it's been mentioned. After that, there's about three more rounds of Billy moving a crate a bit, Rebecca spinning the gate (did I mention that, too, is about an eight second animation?) and repeating the process.
Only then can a man, who just survived several tall drops down waterfalls, make it past a three yard gap pool of water.
All to retrieve a piece of equipment that is welded into place in 99.9% of instances it may crop up in reality.
"But it was all worth it to watch Rebecca struggle with the valve on this door. Bwahaha."
"Just a while longer, Rebecca. Just think happy thoughts. You need him just a while longer."
Ah. Naked zombies. You know we're approaching the endgame now. Capcom knows how to treat its consumers.
The pair head up a nearby ladder. I knew we hadn't seen something in a while...
Investigator's Report 2
No... Everybody expected it...
"Some evil mastermind who in no way would be in a Renaissance Fair robe or covered in leeches."
You know, it only now occurred to me that there is a fully active and staffed laboratory upstairs and there's a fucking zombie holocaust going on a few meters below. Doesn't Umbrella have multiple armies for times like these? I'd say this would rank high on the importance list...
Rebecca goes ahead and dumps another chemical into her medical kit just because she can. I'm sure things will work out and in no way contaminate her supplies should there be, ya know, a medical emergency.
The two head back down the ladder and into the next area. A few pointless hallways notwithstanding.
A save room and another file. Capcom, you shouldn't have. Don't worry, kids. There's just one more file and we're in the clear for a while...
About Battery Fluid
"No peeing in the water! Thanks."
Thanks for being useless.
Thanks for being redundant.
A few of the many, many pointless empty connecting hallways are filled with leeches. They're not hostile or anything. They're just sort of chilling out. Since, I guess, a poor exploding leech animation is better than just an empty hallway.
Underwater cities? Pfft. It's all about the underground cities, these days.
Further ahead, our heroes come upon a gondola control unit.
Which is, you guessed it, missing a vital component. It's sad when fucking Dead Aim was the only game where basically everything worked right and it was just a matter of finding keys to places.
Oh well, I'm sure a file will fix everything.
Treatment Plant Manager's Diary
Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Umbrella already have an expansive treatment facility at the end of Resident Evil 3? Sure, it was a sprawling nine story monolith deep under the earth's crust... But how many of these things do they need?
Oh, well okay. Really, that's it. It's like they forgot to save a few pages and just said 'fuck it, good enough'.
Moving right along, yet another dimly lit run-down industrial room lies in wait. Let's give it a little look around, shall we?
Hi-tops. The official footwear of S.T.A.R.S.
"Dude... Dude! Did you see that? Dude, I just totally made my claw thing phase through those bars. Dude, I'm totally gonna use that to pick up chicks at bars."
"Friend of yours?"
"I don't have any friends in this game."
"It's because nobody likes fat chicks."
<hic> "Oh man, that was such a rager. Man, a Hunter and this Hunter t-tried to do a keg stand and fucking vomited all over this...this Licker and they had a s-sweet... brawl and brawled. Dude, you should have been there! Man I passed and and and I don't even know how the hell I got down here. Man?"
"Dude, I heard this Mexican guy X or something is having a sweet...sweet bonfire down in the... Over in the... The desert or some shit next week... Dudes, you should total..." <hurl>
"Dude, sorry. Not cool. Dude, I had like... You shoulda been there I was sooooo drunk. Man, I hooked up with this chick man.... She's got like tentacle hair and shit and sets shit on fire with her mind or whatever. You know she's gotta be a freak in bed. This one chick with like electric boobs gave me her number too. She was pretty smokin' but... But dude... I don't know about electric titties.... Man I don't know..."
<hic> "Oh man, I gotta piss... You guys know where the bathroom is here. I was in that water and... Man I gotta go..."
"Dude... Number two too... Man, I remember last month, after Lisa broke up with me, I got soooo drunk man. Man I shit my pants. It was so gross. Man, I shit them so hard it blasted all over this little midget guy... Saladsars or something... Man..."
"Man... I'm glad they don't... They don't... I don't gotta wear pants. Man, you know how h-hard it would be to unzip with this giant thing man. I love this claw thing though... Man, it looks like I'm giving people the finger but like times five! Heh heh ha."
<hurl> "Dudes... Dudes... I'm not feeling too great... Dudes... Dudes take my keys... Man, this... Oh man... Man... It's like the worst hangover ever man..."
"I... I just need to lie down for a while dude... Dude... Don't let anyone shave off my eyebrow or anything dude... Dude... I just need to lie down... Party on without me dude..."
I never saw him again...
Tune in next time for more wandering around, item collection... And maybe that giant frog too!