Part 23: Episode XXIII: The Last of the Wandering
Episode XXIII: The Last of the Wandering
When last we left our heroes, they'd just defeated the original Tyrant and wandered around a lot. Now they're just going to wander around a lot. Then we'll be at the end of the game!
With that said, let's continue...
Poor Buck actually did die in that last update. Really. No crashing onto the back of a speeding train or leaping miles onto the back of an airplane/helicopter. No use of rockets, laser cannons, or Chinese death rays. Just small arms fire for about thirty seconds. Poor little guy...
Anyhow, let's check out that door we skipped to trigger the boss fight, shall we?
Our heroes' path is blocked by... knee deep rushing water on a platform with tall guard rails... I could see the risks of attempting to ford this... But these are the same people who had no qualms with going on the roof of an out of control speeding train. So, I'm a bit skeptical about this hazard thwarting their path...
Oh well, back to the alcoholic Tyrant's final resting place. A nifty ladder presents itself to the upper reaches of the room. I'm shocked they didn't pull a supreme dick move and demand the hookshot...just for old time's sake.
There is nothing to be found in the upper room, other than the AWOL motherboard just sort of tossed on the catwalk floor. They're really not even trying anymore.
I mean really... Not even a shelf or anything? No silly puzzle? Just discarded on the floor?
I'd think a technical component like that would be a bit damaged by being tossed onto a soggy rusty scaffold in a moist sewage dump. But, what do I know?
Oh, and that 'gondola' that needed activation is more of a 'box with a chain'.
"Bwahaha. Oh man, is it my birthday? I couldn't think of a better present. Bwahaha."
"Bwahaha. Like that's even a question. Tuck and roll, grandma. Tuck and roll."
And thus, Miss Chambers takes a less than dignified trip to the other side of the dam. You know, I would think something like that wouldn't open from the inside. But, I'm clueless about the inner workings of boxes on chains in underground spook factories.
Becky finds herself in a control room. As a gondola storage crate doesn't have any mundane need of going somewhere useful for a device of its function.
Bec grabs onto the first shiny device she comes across and hopes for the best. A series standard.
Our reward is the cross-dam passageway now being clear. I guess the thought of just having the path be placed above the rushing water was thought as unnecessary by the <non-existent> safety board.
Our plucky heroine decides to explore the new area. One of our old friends, the Plague Crawlers, decide to pop-up for a visit. Unlucky for him, his devious attack is thwarted by his AI's utter inability to approach staircases. A heartbreaking fate.
Further in the room, Rebecca stumbles upon another canister of unidentified liquid, which she haphazardly splashes into her medical kit to produce acid. I don't think plastic containers in medic fanny packs hold acid well...
She also discovers 'Industrial Water'. Which looks like someone shat in a jar, to my eyes. But, again. I'm no expert on this stuff.
Downstairs is yet another of those 'Haha. Rebecca is short and there's no ladders/crates/statues' moments.
Meanwhile, Billy Coen...
Just another day in the neighborhood. Slow ladder climbing animations...
Giant frogs... Yup... Giant frogs...
Meet the 'Lurker'. It's a giant frog. That's about it... There's all of one in the game... Maybe two, if you're 'lucky'. It's solitary attack...
Involves attempting to eat one of our heroes whole by means of dragging them with their long ass tongue and eating them whole, as stated. There was only a single one in my playthrough and I honestly wasn't going to blow through fifteen minutes of this compelling gameplay again just to appease the vore fetishists. So, stick 'Lurker' and 'Resident Evil' in a Youtube search and I'm sure you'll get a disturbing number of videos.
I think someone mentioned I could have just randomly swapped out these areas with no commentary and nobody would tell the difference. I honestly don't think that's much of a stretch at all.
<sigh> Just one more to go. I just gotta keep telling myself that...
The other end of the hallway leads back to where Rebecca was hanging out. Also, giant bugs in stasis chambers. Since, the market for giant man eating bugs is out of control.
"It's almost like the architects of all these dopey mansions designed the places just to prove that you suck and Billy is awesome. Do you not agree? Christ, your crotch smells like buffalo wings. The fuck is going on down there?"
"You don't want to know."
Yup. A heavy duty Battery brand battery. Keeps running when others run out.
"Yeah, it's about this big when I'm angry. You don't even want to know how big it is when I'm horny. Of course, we'd need someone attractive around here to show off that feature and blimp asses just don't do it for me."
"Have you been talking to yourself the whole time I was up there?"
"And it was still more meaningful a conversation than anything I've mustered out of you, Hindenburg."
"By the power of Grayskull!"
There's literally about twenty minutes left in the game. Is an enemy introduced hours ago really supposed to be a serious threat at this point?
Especially when it is, once more, defeated by stairs. In fact... I'm pretty sure all but one instance of the Plague Crawlers can be resolved by walking to the nearest flight of stairs and plinking away. Good gameplay design by any standards.
Rebecca pours the assorted components of the battery, shakes it up, and heads back to the powered down forklift...
Ah, the Incinerator. Where the final, truly stupid moments of the game lie in wait.
Of course, there's no indication this is actually the endgame lead up and the nearest save point is a five minute walk away. But, who needs convenience when you've got leeches.
Something catches Billy's eye on the ground.
"Hey... Magnum bullets? Oh shit. How long do you think until that turns up?"
"Any minute now, I'm sure."
"Well, you can pack mule the ammo until we find the prize. Hot damn, I can't wait..."
I hate to end it here, but we've got a long, extremely stupid exposition coming up and I don't want it to be mired in a see of tedium. Sooooo...
Tune in next time for shocking reveals, Dragon Ball Z-esque overly intense conversations, and some of the worst written dialogue in the series! Also, leeches!