Part 24: Episode XIV: Disco Inferno
Episode XIV: Disco Inferno
When last we left our heroes, they were heading to the ominous incinerator room. Which, in no way, shape, or form would be the leech nest. No sir. With that said, we're almost there...
"How come every time we go to FMV mode, I look slightly sweaty and disheveled and you look like a fucking Castlevania villain?"
Oh yeah, and the leech nest is, in fact, in the incinerator. The leeches that are horribly weak against fire. Are camping out in the incinerator building...
"Look at these bust ass crackas stepping on our turf. Bitches 'bout to see how the West Coast Leeches roll."
"Oh shit, the big man comin'. You suckas 'bout to get told!"
"Even though we've never met other than that one time we kinda saw each other on the train a few hours ago and I've just sort of been giggling on monitors watching you two tool around. Hahahaha!"
I hope you're into some over the top monologuing... As you're in for some over the top monologuing...
Note to Capcom script writers: If your protagonists don't even know who the fuck the villain is, there is a problem with your narrative.
This is going to be reeeeeeeally stupid, isn't it?
"RANDOM STARING CONTEST!"
"YOU'RE ON FAGGOT!"
"Hey, fuck you! Turning into an old man is cheating!"
"Stop being a pussy. You lost, whippersnapper."
So yes, RPG Villain is not Dr. Marcus' son or grandson. RPG Villain is Dr. Marcus...turned 50 years younger... By magic leeches. That still doesn't explain why he's wearing a robe like a fucking Middle Earth cosplayer.
The following is a vital lesson to all potential hitmen to just shoot their victim in the back of the friggin' head and call it a day.
Zooming into a person's eye is the new swirly flashback effect.
Agent 47 performing one of his more mundane hits.
A crash comes from behind. This entire sequence is in an off-tone first person perspective, so bare with me.
"Someone order an assassination? I've got an assassination for a Dr. James Marcus here."
"Dr. Marcus? Please sign here."
"Dude, that was totally gay. And why do we need machine-guns? This guy is like 80 and we're in a trap filled house. Couldn't we just push him down some stairs?"
"It's because me and Willie wouldn't get our evil jollies in otherwise."
"Wait, let me just take my gloves off first. There, that's better. They were really tight. Blargh."
"Oh shit, nigga! Drive-bye! Hit the pavement, son!"
"I think now is a good time to reiterate I'm evil. Come on, Birkin. Get in on this action."
"Hehe. You totally burned him. Okay, my turn."
"...you're fucking awful at this. Do yourself a favor and if you do get into villainy, try to keep the monologues down to a minimum."
"What kind of minimum are we talking here?"
"The type of minimum where people won't notice you've been wearing the same clothes for ten years minimum."
"I couldn't believe the guy that wore black and sunglasses all day long and his surly haggard roommate would murder me. Which is why I'm blaming Spencer for my assassination and completely ignoring them."
And thus, Marcus was tossed into a nearby pond or something. Umbrella doesn't believe in burying its assassination victims or...really any sort of cover-up. A pond will do.
"Something very sepia toned, but wonderful none the less."
"I got oral from a leech. It was...amazing..."
I'm fairly certain leeches are hermaphrodites and don't have 'queens' like a hive. But, you're the scientist.
So this guy's power is to control leeches to turn into leech clones of his older self. I really didn't think they could out stupid Alexia Ashford's virus ability to control ants and set things on fire with her blood. How wrong I was.
"Isn't that awesome, guys?!"
"Hells yes it is!"
"Whatever that is... I... Who were you again?"
Pretty much the worst end to a villain monologue on record.
"Uhh... Should we do something?"
"I don't know. Maybe he's going to puke us to death. Won't be the first time it's happened today."
This is pretty much what I look like by the end of playing through the double feature of Dead Aim and this.
"Leeches in the mornin'..."
"Leeches in the evenin'..."
"Leeches at supper time..."
"When leeches are on a bagel you can have leeches anytime!"
"Did he seriously just do the Bagel Bites jingle with leeches?"
"So, did he turn into a leech or was he made out of leeches?"
"I really don't give a shit at this point... Just shoot the thing. You know what? This is so stupid, I'm, temporarily, lifting the 'Rebecca getting to use awesome stuff' embargo just due to the sheer retardation of this scenario."
"Here's the grenade launcher, which was down my pants, baby. Shoot the damn thing until it stops and then I'm gonna fucking riverdance on whatever is left of it. Then after that, I'm going to take a piss on the remains, take a steamer on the middle of it, then I'm going to Burger King for lunch. I don't even give a fuck if it's not kosher!"
"Could you just fire already?"
"Oh, what? Sorry. Got caught up in my own awesomeness."
"I've got tentacles coming out of my pulsating vagina body now! Hahaha!"
"Whaa! Get me the hell out of this right now!"
"Hey, there's no need for language."
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK GET ME OUT OF THIS SHIT YOU FUCKING CUMDUMPSTER. YOU GET YOUR DICK ARMS OFF ME YOU FAGBOT SON OF A SHIT! YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! DO YOU?! FUCKING HURRY UP BITCH!"
"By get me down I didn't mean SHOOT ME IN THE ASS WITH ACID! Though...hehe. I guess that's sort of funny."
"We're in an incinerator. Shouldn't there be some spiffy environmental thing to kill the monster vulnerable to fire?"
"Yeah, it's called Billy FUCKING Coen and it's here for keeps, baby."
Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion!
Compelling dialogue if there ever was: