Part 25: Episode XXV: Burn my Dread
Episode XXV: Burn my Dread
When last we left our heroes, they encountered a crazy young guy who was really a crazy old guy who was really a leech. Then they killed him. With that said, let's finish this goddamn game already...
Dr. Leechopolis apparently shat out a couple of keys upon his death.
Can ya dig it?
Since the game is just in love with its 'place one character here, swap, place another character here' puzzles, it's just going to go ahead and throw one more into this one. With added bonus of the two keys not fitting in both holes, so there's a 50% chance you might have to swap places a second time!
Something tells me we're approaching the endgame. Just a hunch.
Just what we needed. Yet another elevator which bends time and space. Sure, we're about a quarter mile underground. Twenty seconds on this baby and we're back to the surface! Booya!
Yup... Elevator riding. There's about ten seconds of the characters looking around awkwardly wishing something would happen before something actually does happen.
Oh. It's just the obligatory even more larger and more grotesque final mutant boss.
How convenient, Willie Birkin, who went off to set off this thing...what? Two hours ago? And just has to take an elevator ride to get to his destination, finally sets off the self destruct system of the facility... I guess he made himself a mean sandwich beforehand. Maybe watched The View. Maybe took a short nap. The guy has a heavy work schedule.
I still think it's amusing that the heroes of the game had absolutely nothing to do with the plot at all and are in a constant state of confusion, at this point.
Meanwhile, Marcus has apparently switched genders, as he's now referred to as the "Leech Queen". And has turned into a giant puss filled tentacle riddled alligator/leech/cactus thing.
Correction, I see a few vaginas in there. It's a giant puss filled tentacle riddled alligator/leech/cactus vagina monster. My bad.
To prepare for the coming attack, Billy's body has hulked out to Super Jew proportions, which has unfortunately aged him significantly. Meanwhile, Rebecca has taken up the department store mannequin defense.
"Now we'll see who's going to die!"
"That doesn't even fucking make sense!"
"Weren't you in the Marines? The heck should we do?"
"Man, I was the fucking cook for the platoon! I dunno. Alright err... I'll flank it! You can flank leeches, right?"
"It is pouring acid puss on me! This is retarded!"
"Hey, shut up. The fuck are we trying to use tactics for this thing? It's the same stupid monster we've fought fifty friggin' times. Only this time it's bigger and stupider. It's a leech. You know what about leeches?"
"Jews...hate...leeches... Blah blah blah. Bang bang."
Divine intervention cuts in to help.
"Remember that old 'crush your head' gag from Kids in the Hall? That was great."
Oh right, the sunlight is hurting it. I guess I should tell this moron. He's too busy scowling at the thing and flexing.
"Marcus is Irish?"
"Yes, Billy. The giant leech monster is Irish."
"I never trust an Irishman."
"Good idea. Just one problem."
"We're still underground, dumbass."
You know what this game was missing? An escort mission. Yep. I think now's as good a time as any.
Whelp. I'm screwed.
But more important than a last minute pseudo-escort mission? A file! Yep. A file during the last boss fight. This game is a labor of love.
Gate Operation Manual
"Press the 'open button' located at the north end of the room."
"In case of emergency being a countdown to the facility exploding, follow these much stupider instructions:"
I hate this game so fucking much. Words cannot describe it. It's like a donkey kicking you in the balls while watching a chick flick with subtitles.
The focus of the battle now shifts from shooting the giant, awkward monster while avoiding acid sprays and its 'tard out charging attack.
It shifts to doing all that, but luring the creature away from Rebecca (who it automatically goes after if left alone) while she slowly runs around the room and cranks several valves.
Did I mention she likes to run straight into the monster, while going between valves? Well, there you have it.
"LEECHES HATE JEWS!"
"Sunlight! My only weakness! How did you know?!"
"Because you spazzed out for half a minute under the sun a few minutes ago."
Marcus smacks our heroes upside the head for their transgression.
"Surely, they cannot know my only other weakness. I still must burn the world in an inferno of hate! Just, without fire. That's another weakness I have. I'm not good at this super villain thing."
Hey! A plot convenient magnum. Just like in Resident Evil 3. It's even the exact same style magnum. What a coincidence.
"Might as well give this moron his last kicks."
"I fucking knew there was a magnum! Right. Let's do this proper."
"Be careful. It ain't kosher."
This was no ordinary bullet. No sir. This was a plot convenient, bullet time augmented bullet. It strikes a blow so mighty... It blows a man sized hole through Marcus...
"Bullets! My one weakness... Besides sunlight... And fire... Salt is bad too... Noooooo!"
It then causes him to break into pieces...
Topple down a slightly steep incline of an elevator shift as though he were filled with helium...
And then promptly explode...
This is, of course, the standard issue Umbrella 'everything explodes' self destruct mechanism. That canister there? It explodes. That forklift? It explodes. That lamp to the right? Explodes. Only then... Only then...
Does the entire mansion go up in a massive fireball visible for miles.
Despite being still at least a floor underground and well within the vicinity of the explosion, both our heroes come out unscathed.
Heck, Billy had time to pick the lock on the other half of the handcuffs he was wearing.
"Pfft. Like any jail can hold me. I'm Billy-fucking-Coen. I'm so bad ass I don't even need to wear prison clothes to my own execution."
"That's quite enough of this..."
"My better judgment tells me to stay right the heck away..."
"Especially, since I'd have to ditch all my weapons and supplies to make it down there. Plus, scale a sheer cliff face just to get there. Plus all the monsters all over. But, first I need to take care a bit more baggage."
"You'd better have a goddamn good reason for yanking that off me, girly."
"...sexy. Bwahaha. I knew you wanted me bad. You little tramp."
"Yep, Billy. It's been a pleasure."
"Nope, you won't have to worry about that."
"You're right. I'd probably come back as some kind of sweet vampire or some shit. Bwahaha. I could be Jewcula."
"The fuck you looking at?"
"Come on, soldier."
"You have a weird way of parting ways.
"Heh. I guess this is it, huh. Been a pleasure doin' business with ya. As far as pack mules go you've been ace.
"And you've been nothing but a miserable misogamist son of a bitch."
"Quite the mouth you've got on you, little lady. I might have to take back those nice things I just said about ya."
"Well, asshole. I've got one more parting present for ya. I found this little toy earlier. I think you should have it."
"Think you can shoot that think, rookie?"
"I don't even need a cheesy one-liner."
"Dickhead. I can't believe all that and this was the fucking prequel I got... Roaming around aimlessly with the biggest fucking douchebag on the planet and fighting an old man made out leeches."
"Fuck this! Fuck you! I'm marching down to that mansion, finding some sort of chemical storeroom, and getting fucking blasted on whatever I can make up in my little mixing set."
"Yeah, really freakin' subtly ominous, you hacks."
On the epilogue...
Leech Queen cometh:
The actual ending was much less entertaining:
Whelp, there you have it. The world's most unnecessary prequel comes to a close. Ultimately, resolving nothing, opening up even more plotholes, and adding a big slimy lay of convolution to an already murky mythology. I hope you sadistic fucks all enjoyed my trudging through this train wreck of a title...
As far me, as is tradition, there's a bottle of vodka with my name on it...