Part 13: Episode XII: I've Gotta Get a Message to You
Episode XII: I've Gotta Get a Message to You
When last we left our heroine, she'd discovered the rotting corpse of her mullet sporting teammate, Forest. But, that was boring so she's since wandered off. With that said, let's continue...
Jill has decided this Sword key she's carrying just has to go. Passing by a locked door with an inhuman shriek coming from it, Jill heads downstairs.
To the final door needing the assistance of the key to pass. That's a big relief.
I've got to say, I'd be a bit wary about the kitchen being in the basement. Let's see if that lousy elevator upstairs actually stops on this floor.
I fucking hate this series...
The hell sort of localized power outage would keep the lights on, have all the traps fully operation, but the elevator? Not enough juice, baby.
"Z is for Zombie and a zombie is me!"
"X is for Xtreme like a zombie that can ski!"
"Y is for Yummy like brains and Chef Boyardee!"
"Hey, lady. Been awhile. Sorry about that whole tryin' to eat you thing. You have no idea how salty a token black guy tastes."
And the Jill Valentine ass-to-floor tally is up to four.
"Uhh... a little bit up with that camera. I'm out of focus. A little... Here, let me get it."
While distracted with fixing the awkward cutscene camera, Jill rushes out of the room to explore other locations.
Like a return visit to the sacrificial pit to the Dark Lord.
Upon which Jill can return dead eyed bust to appease the evil spirits of the pit. Or advance this really absurd little quest.
The coffin proceeds to shake slightly, yet still splatter blood on the fourth wall. Even now with vague knowledge the key to the next area might have something to do with this thing... This is like assembling the pieces of The Nemesis' rocket launcher and hoping he doesn't do anything rotten with it after it's complete.
Jill takes the back entrance out the cemetery and enters the nearby connecting stairs.
What do we have here? A note from Barry. Taped to a wall and scribbled on a piece of giant poster sized paper. How sweet.
"I left you some bullets in the room on the right. Feel free to use'em if you manage to get yourself in trouble. -Barry-"
Barry Burton you magnificent fat bastard!
With that out of the way, Jill checks out the one area she skipped earlier for non-specific reasons certainly not associated with the update running long or broken event sequencing.
I believe this is the only documented instance in the entire series of jewelry or gemstones not being in or around a mounted deer head.
Door number one leads to...absolutely nothing of interest!
Door number two leads to...
"And...then...Becky grabbed his throbbing member and..."
"...she moaned with...anticipation as Brett began buttering..."
"OH JESUS, FUCK!"
"OH FUCK! WHAT DID YOU SEE?! WHAT DID YOU HEAR?! DON'T TELL MY WIFE!"
"IT WAS JUST A NEWS ARTICLE! I JUST READ THEM FOR THE ARTICLES!"
"Pretty sure that door was locked for a reason, Ms. Master of Unlocking."
"This isn't even the same file. You grabbed this off the desk."
"No I didn't, you're confused. Read."
Who frames a handwritten letter in a poster sized cover sheet binder?
The only thing that separates you from them? You mean... Still being living...? I think you're doing this wrong.
...Is like a truck, BESERKER!
Yeah, you're definitely not doing this right...
"There's nothing remotely resembling a will in this thing..."
I guess the ceiling that tried to crush her, the room with the armor and the nerve gas, the crypt of doom in the basement, and the flesh eating ghouls hadn't convinced her. A poorly written suicide note? Now that's getting into unusual-esque territory.
<rolls yes> Women.
Jill apparently read the entire letter and THEN noticed the first half of it was torn off. I'm glad this incident hasn't rattled the policing skills of Raccoon City's finest.
It's really, really sad that this is probably the most competent organization the series has to offer...
"Found the kitchen, yet? There was a dining room... But no kitchen... Mysterious..."
"It's in the basement."
"...Those fiends. Don't worry, I'm on it."
Thus, Barry departs. Time for another investigation.
Into dopey ass Adventure game-esque puzzle solving! On the frame to Jill's left, she discovers...
A fishing hook! Wait, what?
I suppose it wouldn't make for fun gameplay to limit picking up items involved in a puzzle before the actual puzzle was revealed. It doesn't help to prevent making the protagonists look like kleptomaniac nutjobs.
In the nearby display, Jill discovers a dried out bee specimen amongst fishing hooks. Still not any lower on the loony tunes scale.
On the opposite wall, Jill finds a golden bee-shaped fishing lure amongst specimens of dead insects. Hmm... A hook... A dead bee... And a bee fushing lure... A fishing lure display... And a bug specimen display... What can this all mean...?
Jill won't need to blow any money on Chris' birthday this year!
Or the lure and hook can be combined and the two items can swap places. Less profitable, in the long run.
Well, I don't see one and I'm looking at the thing. But, if you say so.
Why does no one just lift up the out of place portraits and displays? Why? Is this some alternate timeline when people are so lazy they'd prefer mind meltingly inane puzzles to the slightest physical labor?
The answer is y-What's that sound...?
OH JESUS! BEES!
Tune in next time for FUCKING BEES IN MY EYES!!!