Part 3: Episode II: Break on Through to the Other Side
Episode II: Break on Through to the Other Side
Update, if you're the squeamish type to 'real' gore. Sure, the rest of the series is gory as hell. But I'm not listening to anything from pricks that get grossed out by pixels.
I think the remake intro was lame. You know what we need? Live action FMV. Horrible direction. Wanton puppet gore. And enough cheesy acting to make you shit pepperjack. Where can I find such a thing, you might ask? Well, that's easy...
To think when this was released, 1998 was a spooky distant future where zombies could actually roam. Pfft. What were we thinking. It's all about 2008.
I like how a single word change to the opening narration change Alpha Team into even bigger assholes in the Remake. The original game S.T.AR.S. are at least team players. The Remake guys have to bail those fuck-up Bravo Team jerks out of their mission.
"Well, maybe you should stop looking at that picture of the forest and look at the actual damn forest."
It just occurred to me. Raccoon Forest is apparently, really, really fucking big. The mansion the whole outbreak thing occurs in is so far in it that nobody knows it's even there. So how are shuffling animated corpses, no less ten of them, making it all the way to the outskirts of Raccoon City to eat people?
Well, someone isn't subscribing to the Umbrella dental plan.
I...what? They knew the mansion was there before the fact? I thought their helicopter crashed.
How the hell did they miss a column of smoke rising hundreds of feet in the air?
Obligatory ten second scene of rustling grass while an intern cracks open a few buckets of dry ice in the reeds.
"We didn't have the budget to actually show the helicopter. You'll just have to take my word on this one."
"I like cheese."
"My beard is magnificent."
"Nobody must know my deadly secret..."
"Nobody must know!"
"Why did I think shoving all my hair into a silly hat was a good idea?"
"Wesker thinks he has better hair than me? That's ABSURD!"
Sweaty puppets with poor digital effects. The horror unfolds...
Alpha Team proceeds to lazily kick up some dirt and brush aside some grass while standing in place. World renown special forces team, folks.
Looks like Red Shirt found something.
If the glowing eyes and growling before didn't tip you off, here's a supplementary toothy maw close-up.
"What is it?"
"Well it's a err-"
"Christ, of all the days to forget my contacts. It's err... It is..."
"Err... What is it? You know. I think it's uhh..."
"Uhh... Well it's... It's got pointers and stuff... Umm... It is... It is..." <squints>
"It's a hand, Joseph."
He's a body snatcher! Everyone run!
Did I mention the zombie dogs sound like fucking dinosaurs? It's scary and shit, man.
Joseph Frost: Man Baby.
Blood explosion extraordinaire!
"My hair senses something!"
"Hey...who the hell are you people?"
"I think they're playing Smear the Queer over there. We need to get in on that."
"Barry, you read my mind."
The following contains what would go down as the Great Puppet Massacre of '98.
Oh yeah. That blood splatter and screaming thing a few seconds ago? Forget that happened.
"So, I'm thinking about a new line of work. This 'mauling campers to death' gig is getting old. I was thinkin' maybe a seeing eye dog. I heard you can pick up mad chicks with that line of business."
"Oh, the irony! I guess pirate dog will have to do."
The censored version? Yeah, that blood spray earlier was about as much as you got to see of this scene.
"NEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAR! FAAAAAAAAAR! WHEREEEEEEEVER YOU AAAAAAAAAAARE!"
Man works up a mean sweat rustling through leaves.
"Hey, that was my juicebox. Dick."
Glowing blood? Forget Body Snatcher. The man was a fucking Predator.
"So then I went up to her and sniffed her ass and she was all 'I don't go for dead guys'. Like I'm any less of a man."
"Oooooh. Did not see that coming."
...died about a minute ago. Where were you?
Joseph cannot come to the phone at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep.
"My hairspray! My hairspray is in the back seat!"
Damn you poorly animated drawing of a helicopter!
"You can put your arm down now, Chris."
"Uh...guys. We're still chasing you."
I like how the fat middle aged one is ahead of the pack.
Even if it is...
...a Dooooooooom House!
Well, that was fun. Now let's get back to the... Huh?
"These guys... Sony executives or some shit. They told me I couldn't smoke... You know what I did?"
...Had a major boob reduction.
All the top soldiers have manicures, don't ya know?
"So they told me. They told me, 'Barry. You're too fat! You drink too much! You need to stop stalking the female officers! Your beard is out of control!'"
"I found a hollow point to the skull solves arguments reaaaaal quick, like."
To the point they retconned her dopey bandanna out of existence. Just to fuck with her.
"I don't care what the punk, Redfield, has to say."
"My hair is fucking fantastic!"
Now, that was an intro.
Tune in next time for the game proper!
The glory that is the Resident Evil Intro: