Part 38: Episode XV: Comfortably Numb
Episode XV: Comfortably Numb
When last we left our hero, he was combating lizard men in the start of another slew of series trademark backtracking. With that said, let's continue...
"I'll find a band-aid! Maybe with the new key. It's not like the old keys because it is new."
Chris opens up his map to check out where the Helmet Key can be utilized.
It seems the nearest location is upstairs where Jill got the world's most convoluted map printing.
"Your boobies are not real. They are made of stone."
"Art is boring."
"ART IS TRYING TO KILL ME! I NEED AN ADULT!"
Chris runs behind the mansion's second and, hopefully final crushing room trap. Here, he discovers a reset button.
"It's time to...PUSH THE BAHTAAAAN! HURRAAAAAY!"
Why a man crushing, a very stupid man crushing, trap would need a reset switch is beyond me.
"Even though your boobies are made of stone, I will forgive your deception if you stop art from murdering me."
"I miss Jill. Her boobies used to go all 'honk' and stuff. It was great. She had a funny hat."
Obligatory secret passageway.
"I gotsa poop now."
"My thoughts always lie to me."
Only Capcom could claim to have the very last book in existence and still make it multiple volumes.
"I... I... I can't read or write."
"It's a present hurraaaaaay!"
This promptly gets shoved in the 'stupid shit you'll forget about until you need it three hours from now' stack.
Chris wanders further down the corridor.
Hey, it's the architect's grave. Bitter irony... Buried in the retarded hidden passageway of his own design. He left a love novella before burying himself or whatever.
This file doesn't have a title. What a slacker.
This is the type of guy that plays Half-Life and gets lost.
...go out the front door. Ask one of the scientists in the secret lab for help. Go out the back door. Hop a fence. Open a window. For fuck sake, zombie dogs aren't even invented yet. What's holding you back?!
Wandering around a mansion you yourself designed? No, I think you got off easy in comparison.
The caves have water in them. In fact, I think there's an entire underground stream.
I can't make any more jokes about how retarded this is. I mean, even for Resident Evil, we are at mind blowing lack of intelligence levels.
"I'm dying of thirst."
"It sure is wet in here."
There is a slight contradiction somewhere here...
"Point 42... The hell does that mean?!"
...the man's grave is right in front of Chris. The caves are on the other side of the area. Did they just move his headstone for shits and giggles or was he actually just wandering in a five yard corridor for days?
Here lies George Trevor.
Stupid fuck that fell into a
trap he was commissioned to
Unfortunately, your death was so utterly unjustifiable that God felt the need to kill your wife and have your daughter be transformed into a horrible immortal monster in constant anguish, to this very day. But, this guy was really asking for it.
"Hell has a lame entrance."
"Oh dude! Dude! Dude! Dude! Hellbeasts. Okay. Okay. Alright, if I just walk slowly they won't notice me.""
"I saw it in a movie once. You just need to walk slowly and think of som-"
"I need an adult!"
"Adults do not have cutlery in their head."
Slightly more wandering.
"Why would hell need elevator switches? Do they play bingo in hell? I hope not. Old people play bingo and I want no part of that."
"I bet it's for the handicapped people that go to hell. How could they use the ladder?"
"A...kitchen...? Do you know what this means?"
"Chris Redfield has battled out of hell! Oh man. Oh man...this, man. Man, this gives me like the best idea ever."
"I saw this place on the map."
"If graves in holes lead to hell. Just imagine what ladders in real graveyards do."
"Dude...if I kill Dracula... Man, Chris Redfield won't be needing any stone boobies if he kills Dracula."
"Die, monster! You don't belong like here."
"Hello...? You... You steal men's souls and stuff... I really should read my lines."
"Maybe... Maybe I just gotta wait it out. Or find the switch. Or wait it out then a switch will come out and then I press that."
"I'm sure it won't be long."
"I wonder where bears sleep..."
Twenty-six minutes later...
"Tch... Forget this! I'm finding out where bears sleep."
"I bet that's where bears sleep..."
Tune in next time for caves and shit. I think Barry's in there somewhere too.