Part 49: Episode XXXI: Weird Science

Episode XXXI: Weird Science

When last we left our heroine, she had just finished a subplot that went absolutely nowhere and then rode an elevator to the secret Umbrella laboratory. With that said, let's continue...


Dim lighting, industrial machinery randomly tossed about the office corridors, more pipes than you can shake a stick at, and innumerous health and safety violations... Yes, I do believe we have found our secret Umbrella laboratory.


With all these secret labs, I ask...does Umbrella actually have any real laboratories? Like, one you could reach by traveling in your car to the corner of Greene and Parkman street? Not underground, underwater, hidden in the back rooms of hospitals, hotels, and 7/11 restrooms. Just...on a map, easily reached, with a receptionist at the front desk?

Jill heads down further into the heart of the laboratory. Something catches her eye, before making her descent.


I'm sure this'll never come up. What's going to happen? Is the building going to explode or something? Pfft.

Jill heads down and cuts through an uninteresting save room.


I know this place has been overrun with zombies and mutants for a couple weeks, but I'm thinking a janitorial staff wasn't in the budget for this particular installation. Those jerks at the fancy-pants underground laboratory must be bogarting all the funds these days.


Another staircase leads further down into the laboratory. You'd think if you had some hidden, specially activated elevator beneath an elaborate fountain, you'd make sure that elevator made it to the actually laboratory. Umbrella must like to keep its employees fit by making them climb down stairwells, ladders, and through raw sewage to get to the office.


There's one more room on this level but (surprise surprise) it's electronically locked.


Though, Jill does discover this trinket on the nearby table. I bet it has a shareware copy of Doom on it.

Jill heads back downstairs.


Another dank hallway present follows the last. Even the secret labs are just an endless string of connecting hallways with shit lighting. Damn you George Trevor!

Beginning her investigation, Jill wanders into the door right next to where she entered the area.


And again! It's like the fucking Shining. The door in the foreground is electronically locked, there's one more door, albeit obscured, to Jill's immediate left. But first...


This mysterious door is present at the end of the hallway. What could be behind it? Riches? Fame? Fortune? Escape? Hope? God? Pittsburg? I dunno...


What I do know is that it has not one, not two, but three locks which must be released in order to open it. We'll get to this later. Rest assured, the method will be exceedingly retarded.



The next room holds one of those kooky funtime 'solutions to problems we've yet to encounter' puzzles. But, before that, there's file reading to be done!

Researcher's Letter

"Full blown AIDS. Sorry hun. Should probably go see a doctor yourself..."


Being stuck in a basement with a bunch of men for months on end gave him a different kind of G-Virus.


"In case of zombie holocaust, return to ground zero, retrieve Nintendo DS. This is vital."


"By destroying any and all evidence..."


Oh, well that's handy. This must be an old model security system. Standard practice is shutters to lock everyone in for maximum causalities. For science, you see.


"Just type in 'gaben'."



"In case of zombie holocaust, come to ground zero, save Nintendo DS, solve retarded puzzles I've left to compensate for severe security hole I left in computer system, destroy all evidence of accident, convince authorities there was a zombie outbreak and you aren't a pyromaniac. Follow all these instructions to the letter. Also, I'm not going to mail said letter. You'll figure it out. Ciao."



You think Capcom actually planned ahead for a sequel? <roaring laughter from the crowd>


It's like the wheels want to turn but there's a thick, greasy layer of dumb holding them back. Anyhow, I suppose we should get along with the puzzle the legendary John, of boinked by Ada Wong fame, left for his Asian super spy girlfriend.


It will involve rearranging X-rays. Thanks, John. You're a pal.

Jill looks to a nearby board.


electronic locks, place the initials in alphabetical order."


Jill can place the x-rays in the room on the nearby x-raymajigger you've seen on numerous doctor and cop shows. By pressing the switch in the back of the room, we find this one is augmented by Umbrella Puzzle Technology.


Alex Bechet has a spastic colon.


Clark David is inflicted by chronic man sausage gobbling syndrome, doing immense damage to his esophagus.


Ed Fisher drinks like a fish, because he works at Umbrella and this is not only acceptable behavior, but encouraged. Unfortunately, this is killing his liver.


And finally, Gail Holland took up chain smoking waiting around for someone to find the other red gem to get into the office every morning. This has had ill effects on her lungs.

Thus, we get our answer:


John was a dork.

Passwords to security measures (she didn't even know existed) in hand, Jill heads back into the main corridor.


The southern part of the area is locked down electronically and by an actual fancy-pants key, respectively.


The northeastern sector is, shockingly, open. Jill heads in, as hallways are driving me fucking insane.


Officer Valentine finds herself in what doubles as a computer room and cold storage for cadavers. Classy. What's also classy? Files, good sir, files...

V-ACT Researcher's Note

"Though, others are saying the corpse is just rotting. What do they know? The great Dr. Ashford would agree with me."


So you've got silly ass nicknames for all the other creatures, but fast zombies get some sort of upscale scientific name?



Oooooh. They start out with a scientific name and they get their nickname after the horrific deaths of a handful of researchers. Neato.


"Far too mundane. This is what I propose. Hear me out..."


"..."
"..."
"..."
"You'll get your grant check by the end of the week. Come up with an emblem, and or gem lock system in the meantime."
"I was thinking... A tiger statue with jewels for the eyes."
"Cooper in security is already using that to hide his porno stash."
"Howabout...deathmasks? Of the four researchers killed by the thing!"
"Simmons... I smell a promotion in your future."


Following the light reading, Jill decides to goof off and play solitaire.

Tune in next time for shocking revelations and hot sexy door unlocking action!