Part 51: Episode XXXIII: Walking on Sunshine
Episode XXXIII: Walking on Sunshine
When last we left our heroine, she had viewed the contents of Kenneth's mystifying video tape. This proved to be a first person perspective of S.T.A.R.S. utter ineptitude. Though, it is a noble effort that they're documenting what fuck-ups they are. With that said, let's continue...
Satisfied with her business upstairs, Jill returns to the lower level to use her newly found unlocking device. She's a master of it, I'll have you know.
Her first discovery is...another storeroom... I guess I should be thankful it's not another hall. This room is special. In that Jill can travel to adjacent rooms by means of standard issue man sized ventilation shafts. Also known as 'The Security Team's Bane'.
I've never actually seen a vent shaft a man could fit through. But, I assume they are, at all times, occupied by Special Forces commandos, lab technicans, children, or Bruce Willis.
Jill meets a new, cute little playmate in this room.
Meet the Chimeras. The product of Umbrella experimentation involving splicing human and fly DNA along with a healthy dose of the T-Virus. This undoubtedly resulted in the creature you saw before writhing on a table gurgling screams for someone to kill him.
But, I suppose that's what you get when your experimenting takes you dangerously close to the plot of The Fly. You get a freakish monstrosity of Kafkaesque degree.
Or you get Jeff Goldblum. Either way, this experiment was misguided, even for Umbrella. As such, it was labeled a failure and was likely tossed in the back of the boiler room. Maybe they put a towel over it or some old newspapers.
This lack of proper body disposal has lead to the creatures infesting the ventilation system of the area, as well as the aforementioned boiler room.
On the plus side, Gregor here was designed to more or less remind you that it is the end game and it's time to use those 50 shotgun shells you've been hording, as one blast sends a meaty, satisfying fountain of gore, gibbed legs, bug juice, and maggots across the room.
Jill leaps through another vent into the next room.
I guess that's what happens when you shove body bags into the broom closet.
Nintendo's crack security system takes another blow in this area. But, I doubt Jill's getting through. I hear you have to complete the Triforce shard fetch quest from Wind Waker to make it pass the final lock.
Officer Valentine retraces her steps and returns to the main hall.
I'm going to take a wild guess and assume there's another hallway beyond this door.
I must be Nostra-fucking-damus. Dimly lit hallway #263 holds a save room straight ahead, which holds nothing of interest so I we won't be bothering with it. To the south is the earlier mentioned boiler room. Let's see what's up north.
I think we all know Wesker is evil at this point. You know who's at the bottom of this elevator? This powered down elevator which is the one and only way into the high security level of the laboratory? Wesker. Do you know how he got there? I didn't fucking think so!
Jill heads to the boiler room, as she lacks magical teleportation abilities the rest of S.T.A.R.S. seem to possess.
This area is actually quite extensive. In the lingering succession of corridors sort of fashion overlayed with a looping second long clip of machinery humming. Extensive...not exciting. There's a distinct difference.
In the far corner of this room, Jill finds an entry plug for the nitro fuel which powers this dump.
And here we have the catalyst for this process. A process which is, without a doubt, the single worst gameplay gimmick in the entire series.
We return to the earlier room with the fueling device.
The geniuses at Umbrella decided it would be best to put the fueling supply for the entire laboratory in the corner of some guy's office, clear across the complex.
Before I begin my description of the following events, are you all familiar with Castlevania 64?
The black sheep first 3D installment of a rather mediocre line of 3D entries into the Castlevania series. This title had a laundry list of problems going for it, but I found it to be somewhat enjoyable. That is, except for one portion midway through.
At the "Castle Center" area of the game, the player is tasked with recovering some "Magical Nitro" to blow up a wall or something of that nature. The catch? You have to transport it clear across the area. The bigger catch? If you jump, fall down anything larger than a step, or get hit by an enemy, the nitro would explode and you would die instantly. So, there was of course moving platforms, unguarded rails, turning gears, a load of enemies and other hazards designed to blow your character's ass to vampire slaying heaven.
This section was so ill designed that not only was the entire development staffed shunned from society, but the effects of its shittiness traveled down the family line causing a mass of seppuku among developers' ancestors several generations back in time.
Of course, with their ancestor's death, the development staff never existed to design the stage in the first place, thus ripping a hole in the space/time continuum.
Though the universe has a way of sorting itself out and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness sprung into existence. This would still give a valid excuse for the developer's ancestors to kill themselves, but still have the existence of a subpar Castlevania spin-off in the future. The Castlevania 64 we all know today was a product of time ninja meddling. Thus balance was restored.
None of that has to do with the problem at hand. Other than the instant death part. Running at any point between here and that console back in the boiler room results in Jill's fiery death.
So, Jill has to walk back to the aforementioned boiler room.
Sure, it was only a two or three minute walk. But, at no point in any video game have I ever found backtracking at a snail's pace something I would consider fun. Much less with the stipulation of 'if you don't walk, you will die' added into the mix.
The worst part is that there is apparently a guy who, at least once a week, has to walk on eggshells, for fear of blowing up everyone in the entire complex, across the laboratory to refill this thing.
Keeping up with the walking trend, Jill walks to the next section of the power area.
This section is tinted ominous and red. For no particular reason, though. I suppose they just thought it would look cool.
Between bouts of blowing asexual fly-men all over the wall, Officer Valentine discovers the last of the three Gamecube security devices.
It is 1998. I guess this would constitute somewhat advanced technology...
Before checking that crazy overly secure door, Jill finishes her investigation of the power room.
"I don't know what the hell this done... But that's never stopped me before."
I guess that was a good thing or something... It didn't even really go 'vroom'. I just needed some indication that something might have happened, other than a slightly shifted camera angle. <shrug>
Jill returns to the prison entry. Bringing her backtracking total for this route up to about eight times.
Not only do you have to do a fetch quest spanning two areas, but a secondary collectathon for hidden video game consoles, then after that they still make you yank down each lever one at a time. Maybe one day I'll figure out why the holding cell for unarmed, drugged humans is infinitely more secure than the ones for bio-modified killing machines.
Jill steps boldly forth toward...