The Let's Play Archive

Resident Evil 1

by The Dark Id

Part 52: XXXIV: Singin' in the Rain

XXXIV: Singin' in the Rain

When last we left our heroine, she had just finished the worst gameplay segment in the series. Following that, she had finally gained access to the prison area. With that said, let's continue...

Was it truly necessary to make an even lower level just for a few holding cells?

Correction: Holding cell.

Jill peers into the cell.

Well... This was unexpected...

"How'd you end up in here?"
"Well... It's a long story. You might wanna sit pull up a chair."

"Well, after Rebecca had gotten killed."
"The medic girl from Bravo Team."
"Oh... Which one was that?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Well, what happened to her?"
"She got killed by a one of those lizard monsters."
"The Hunters?"
"No, the lizard men things."
"That's their names. I saw it on this slideshow."
"Why were you watching a slideshow?"
"It doesn't matter. Anyway, a Hunter got her? I guess that does it for Bravo Team, then."

"Let me tell my story! Anyway, this wasn't an ordinary...Hunter. It was possessed by this really mean Jewish guy, Billy."
"Come again...?"
"It was some ghost or something that was hanging out with Rebecca. I don't think they liked each other very much."
"A ghost... I've seen giant monster plants, zombies, lizard men, some woman wearing people's faces."
"A what?!"
"Long story. Anyway, no ghosts."
"Well, there was one and he was an ass."
"Uh-huh. So what happened to this evil Jewish ghost Hunter?"

"Well, I killed him. The Hunter, I mean. Things go weird from there."
"I'm sure..."
"I'm talking like really weird. Like David Lynch weird."
"Go on."

"Well, I was all upset about happened to Rebecca. Then things started getting fuzzy."

"Then everything got dark for a long while..."


"I knew this day would eventually pick up."

"Ahhh... Man, I need a vacation. Just take a weekend off and go fishing or something.

"Yep... That would be great. I mean, I've already got the vest. I could go as soon as I get back home. Hell yeah. Planning ahead when I don't even realize it."

"REDFIELD!! The fuck have you done?!"

"I done? What do ya mean? What happened. Wait... Rebecca. You jerk. That wasn't cool."
"Shuddup, Robin. I need to figure this out. This wasn't supposed to happen."
"Figure what out?"
"Look around, dipshit. We're 2D. We're a fucking sprite comic. I am not spending eternity as a shitty webcomic!"

"Good gawd! I tried looking at my hand and I turned it and it disappeared!"
"It's called the 2D for a reason. You do know what that means?"
"You can't use special glasses to see it pop out...?"
"Gah... Yes... Yes, that's what it means, Topher... Now, what could have fucked up things like this?"

"Yes sir!"
"That voice..."


"Hey wait, come back!"
"Oh for fuck sake. Ms. Ironingboard broke the universe. That's just fucking great. I suppose there was some space-time continuum fuck-up and she was meant to do something in the future or something retarded. It was probably clean up a spot on some guy's floor so he didn't trip and scuff his boots or another really epic deed. Or maybe fix a broken window. Who knows."

"From what I remember, if you fuck up the universe enough it'll reshuffle and fix itself. So, let's see what happens if I tear out Dean Cain's eyes and make a trophy out of 'em."

"Will the universe really suffer if there's less Sci-Fi Channel originals?! Bwahaha."

"I need an adult!!"
"Stop fucking saying that!!"

"Well, this is new. I think we have an editing my favor."
"What's going on?"
"I've got a sword close to being as big as my dick. You've got something designed for the next showing of Iron Chef. You figure it out."

"Short version: If the last samurai was fucking Tom Cruise then the first Jewish samurai needs to be Billy fucking Coen to set things straight."

"That was a good movie, shut up!"

"You know what else was good? Your mother."
"Don't you talk abou-"


"I'll need to think of a sweet name for that one. The Hanukah Hammer sounds about right. Bwahaha. Need a band-aid? Want mamma to kiss it and make it feel better?"

"Just remember, that kiss is gonna be post Billy Coen trouser snake contact. Bwahaha!"



"About my mom."
"Fine. Fine. Fine."

"We'll talk about how a banged your sister instead."

"When I heard the skank went for dudes she'd only known for half a day, I knew she'd be worth the investment."

"That ponytail is just there for a handlebar. It's like a built in crank. No wonder she's in this series. Bwahaha."

"Well, it's been fun kicking the shit out of you. Reminds me of the time I wandered into an old folks home and just went nuts. You wouldn't believe how great a bludgeoning tool a guy with Alzheimer's is. Bwahaha!!"


"Wait... There's more..."


"I'm coming, Rebecca!"

"Bwahaha. If killing you twice doesn't completely fuck up the universe enough to fix things, at least it'll be hilarious."

"Who the heck are you?!"
"Oh... I guess we never met in this timeline. A shame. You missed the chance to be a pack mule to Billy Coen. Your loss, granny tits."
"Hey, that's rude!"

"So is this, but it doesn't make it any less funny."


"There's no way..."

"You?! For fuck sake, how many times do I have to kill you?!"
"What are you talking about? I just... You know what... I don't even care anymore..."

"Don't think this changes anything!!"

"It keeps me from having to think of one liners between you referring to yourself in the third person. I think that's enough for now."

"Outta the way me who isn't me... Or was me... Or... This is making my head hurt."

"Thanks for the input, discount rack. Insightful as always... No... The answer is simple... I'm..."


"But... But... I'm... I'm Billy..."



"Well...your throat isn't sliced open and you're not face down in a pool of your own blood anymore. So I'm guessing yeah."
"That's the worst attempt at comforting someone I've ever heard..."

"Or give you a crippling drug addiction. How's that working out for ya?"
"What the huh now?"
"Good to hear."

"You're leaving me here...? After all that...?"
"Yup. See ya around!"

"Just like yesterday when I fought this giant scorpion on the back of a train."

Man, this kid is traumatized big time. Better split.

"...that was the most retarded story I have ever heard and I think I may have burnt out what few brain cells I had left in hearing it. You didn't even explain how you got in here!"
"Oh, that part's easy."

"I was looking around after I ditched Rebecca and found Captain Wesker."

"And I ended up here."

"Or I might still be, seeing as Wesker locked me up in here. I'm not sure. Anyway, I don't think you're part of it. Or maybe you are, since you're still alive... I really feel like a donut."

Jill struggles with the handle for a few moments. At no point trying to turn it.

"I'm really not good at witty lines, am I?"
"No... No, you are not."

Tune in next time for the exciting climax of our tale!