The Let's Play Archive

Resident Evil 1

by The Dark Id

Part 55: Episode XXXVII: Stairway to Heaven

Episode XXXVII: Stairway to Heaven

When last we left our heroine, she was being confronted by the Tyrant. Also, Wesker died and such. It was very dramatic. With that said, let's continue...


"Much better. That took way too fucking long to pull off."
"Huh... There's actually someone with a slammin' pair of tits around here? The fuck have I been doing wasting time with Topher and Mrs. Saggsalot?"

"Topher...? You mean Chris?"
"Oh, you've already met? You must be a member of STAAAAARS. Not gonna ask why you've got a different uniform from everyone else. Gonna have to have a word with your superior officer. There's a dire lack of cleavage going on here."

<groan> "Ask him yourself. He's the guy missing the better part of his torso in the corner."
"Oh. What time is it, sugar tits? I don't think it's appropriate to be wearing sunglasses, in any case."
"That's just his thing."
"Well, my thing is being fucking awesome. I think it's time to change teams."

<groan> "Hold up a second. I wanna check this out."
<whistle> "Hey, keep bending over in that direction and I'll hold up all day."

Observation Note

I like how no two mediums keep the name of the Progenitor Virus consistent.

"I'm researching the most ridiculously diverse plot device ever."

What now? You're loosing me, Birkin.

It's a bit sad they have a cliffnotes version of the lengthy supplementary narrative which was released alongside the same game and they still manage to fuck it up.

"Blobs... With vaginas... Spiked vaginas... My precious G-Virus..."

"Shit, I'll even raise her from the dead just to go 'haha' if that's what it takes."

Capcom: Taking a shit on its own continuity since before it was in style.

"Alright, D-Cup. I'm not into bookworms. Now, I'll tell ya what I am into..."
"Oww. Watch it, asshole!"

"You've gotta sassy mouth. You should really put it to better use. If you catch my."
"Your penis."
"Ohh... You little cockhungry slut. You're all business, aren't ya?"
"You don't have one."
"Oh. A cocktease, are ya? Billy Coen does not take no for an answer."

"Look down, idiot!"
"Buh. Into the kinky stuff. Alright, I'll play along."

"Sonuvabitch! For fuck... Dammit! I finally find a fuckable woman after months in jail, dying, and being a fucking ghost for who knows how long."

"I finally get a decent body to possess and I'm a fucking Ken doll. Motherfucker!"

"Hey, where'd you go? I'm sure we can find a way to work around this problem. You can't hide. I'm fucking nine feet tall. I see you."
"Barry, get up! We really need to get out of here."

"Oh, what. Just cuz I ain't gotta pecker I'm not good enough? I'm Billy FUCKING Coen. You don't say no to me, dollface."
"Wait... Billy...? Possess? Was... Was that retarded story Chris told me actually true?"
"Redfield is a moron. It doesn't matter what he said. Don't ruin the moment, baby."

"He told me you were an asshole. I'm gonna have to agree."
"I'm not liking your tone."

"Maybe this'll sound better."

"Ugh... Y-you people... Really suck... At one liners..."

Jill rushes to Barry's side.

Barry Burton. King of ducking out of any sort of helpful, dangerous, or annoying situation.

Yes, trying to gunwhip a monster twice your size is pretty fucking careless.

"Well, you shot the guy and screwed up his plans but didn't bother to kill him. Sucks to be your family, eh Barry?"

Which is done by releasing a locking mechanism on the door. One which is clearly still active meaning Wesker, once more, has phased out of existence to escape.

"Don't mind me. Just got the wind knocked out of me. Why are there giant testicles in those tubes?"

No puzzles? Really? Just a switch. You're joking.

Barry and Jill rush out of the lab.







Once more, good job on not killing Wesker. <thumbs up>

So, the pair rush off the set of Aliens and onward toward the finale.

Tune in next time for the S.T.A.R.S. Team's dramatic escape!