Part 45: Episode XLV: The Last Escape.When last we left our heroine, she was pretty fucked is what she was. With that said, let's finish this...
The door behind Jill immediately crumbles into ruin by an explosion caused by...I guess an old junked '63 Chevy...
Quite the little rumble here. I guess we know where the rest of those Tyrant canisters from Resident Evil 2 went.
Senorita X! No!
This had to have been an awesome battle. The army versus a shit load of Tyrants with no survivors? Which, of course is far too badass to actually show. Time for another block pushing puzzle!
Hey, it's the rail cannon conveniently mentioned in the file obtained at the end of the previous update. I really can't see the reasoning the soldiers had as far as sticking it in the back of a junkyard in Umbrella's evil body disposal system. But I'm going to assume the Resident Evil universe's general ineptitude extends beyond the borders of Raccoon City.
Jill flips a few switches to warm up this baby. As they somehow jerry-rigged the giant laser cannon to also control the locking mechanism on the door in the back of the room.
Unfortunately, the batteries to this thing need to be shoved back into place before the thing will fire up. What? You thought I was kidding about the crate pushing quest?
They also must be pushed back in going by the order given to the lot. What is wrong with on switches? All I ask for is a fucking on switch! Just once! A button, a lever, a dial, a plug! For the love of God!
Who's idea was it to stick HAL's horse sounding brother on the cannon's activation system, by the way?
Something begins dripping from the roof... For Christ sake...
"CRATE PUSHING ONLY MAKES MY ERECTION HARDER!"
Oh wait, it's just Nemmy... What's left of him, at least...
Eating out a Tyrant's crotch... Which somehow causes him to double in size...
Okay. Triple. While we're waiting for this mutating to end, someone mind telling me how the hell he managed to crawl out of that toxic gonk pool, make it up an elevator, past a locked gate, across another building, and apparently phase through the bleedin' roof in the same amount of time it took Jill to get here? Really. This is up there with the Tyrants that can jump several miles onto the back of aircrafts.
"I'm the Nemesis, bitch! I ain't need to explain anything to your broke ass!"
"I told you Nemmy ain't need no head. I've got three brains growing out of my back. 'course, you looking at between my legs right now."
"You mean your..."
"Let's just let the love embrace..."
"Why didn't I just take a seat somewhere and wait for the missile..."
Jill rushes the FUCK over to push in that second battery. Since the only thing worse than dying in nuclear hellfire is tentacle rape being the last thing you do while dying in nuclear hellfire.
"Baby, we were meant to be. Dontcha see that? It was love at first sight."
"When you were putting a tentacle through my teammate's head?"
"Babe, I played the first game. He punked you. You know you weren't sorry to see him go."
"Don't push that block, sugartits! I've got all the electricity you could ever need...right here."
"DID YOU JUST FUCKING --!"
"Baby, when it's time, it's time..."
You'd think there would be more foreshadowing to the army's laser cannon other than a "Dude, use the laser. It'll be awesome."
"Lawd have mercy. You should know better messing with science. Other than the science of...love..."
"Damn it all. It's ridiculous you're still remotely alive. Much less looking like goatse minus the hands. Just die already!"
"Now, that's just plain cold."
"Then let's warm it up a little bit..."
"BY THE SPECTRE OF BARRY WHITE!"
I always knew the Nemesis was full of hot air.
Ah. So it was the cool-down system that unlocks the door. Slightly less retarded than fiddling with the city's power grid to unlock a gate.
Jill heads for the exit to get a better view of her impending firey death.
"B...baby... M-my love for...for y...ou..."
The creeping vagina blob's bitter rival... The writhing testicle...
The final decision of the game presents itself. This one's a doozy.
No it fucking isn't...
"...it...it's like a truck."
"Thank you materializing action sequence convenient item!"
"This is for all the tentacle jokes..."
"This is for all the stupid costumes... This is for that guy with the big nose who's name I've forgotten... This is for the stupid timeline this game has..."
"And this is for making me have to do that fucking water puzzle..."
"There's six bullets..."
"I FUCKING KNOW THAT I'VE GOT A ONE LINER, OKAY!!"
"Cheesy one-liners! My only weakness! Teleacccooooohf."
A steaming oversized testicle lying in a pool of purple kool-aid. I think that almost sums up the entirety of this experience.
The mysterious rail cannon door leads to... An elevator. Capcom just couldn't resist throwing in one last loading screen before the end, could they?
Shit, it lead to The Island from Resident Evil 4. Of all the luck...
Hey, Carlos. How in the fuck did you make it past the locked shutter and the destroyed door both on the only path to make it here while also managing to be two seconds behind me and avoiding any remote help on that huge battle just then? Carlos, I'm going to go ahead and say it. You're more useless than Steve Burnside.
"It's the sound of the writers pulling a happy ending out of their ass."
"Or know where I am...? Or know to show up just after the climatic battle but before the nuke. And how could you possibly know any of this, for that matter? I swear, if this ends with I really died from the T-Virus infection, it'll probably be more likely than this scenario."
Carlos promptly lights his hand on fire and begins singing YMCA to hail the chopper. A bit unorthodox a method.
Deus ex Machina Express, at your service.
"Carlos, for being such a tool, you're banned from talking during the FMV."
"That's it. You're out of the epilogues too..."
"I still haven't gotten my Jill Sandwich..."
The original neckbeard - Barry Burton.
For the love of God, yes!
"Really should have considered dropping by a few minutes earlier..."
"It's 5:29. We've missed Mr. Wizard..."
"Joe, if you star singing Thriller one more time I'm going to kill you again..."
Protip: If you're within range of a nuclear blast's glow, it's probably a bad thing...
Why does FMV Raccoon City get full city streets? They think they're special or something?
Japan is just never getting over that whole World War 2 thing...
Good bye, Clock Tower, with your horrible puzzles and dull tedium...
Goodbye, RPD, with your endless fetch quests and utterly insane architecture....
Goodbye, Raccoon City. Goodbye to your endless alleys, twisting sewers, inane puzzles, infuriating item fetching, and 100:1 Umbrella lab to bathroom ratio.
Goodbye to your tentacles, claws, teeth, phallus, vaginas, eyes, moaning, crying, and screeching.
Goodbye, fat gun store guy, Will Smith, rapist necrophiliac police chief, douchebag reporter, batshit soccer mom, incestuous scientist. Goodbye random grunts in helmets, grunts in uniform, grunts with badges. Goodbye fat guy in a box, goodbye pussy in a yellow jacket, goodbye guy with the big nose, goodbye commie who just wouldn't die. Even goodbye to that Urkle looking black guy.
Even goodbye to Leon's jeep and that trucker who was puzzled by his massive bite.
"Jesus Christ, my car! I still had three payments on that!"
Goodbye and good riddance, Raccoon City. I hate you with every fiber of my being and to the deepest pits of my soul.
Goodbye Raccoon City and one last hardy "Fuck You" goes out to you...
"To our stock brokers!"
"That doesn't make any..."
"Trust me on this one..."
"Now about that Jill Sandwich..."
Bonus ContentTyrant dick. A part of any well balanced Nemesis meal:
Nemesis is defeated by a laser cannon:
You want STARS?
Goodbye, Raccoon City:
On the Epilogue...
A news report following the disaster...
And now we have a rather
unfortunate turn of events.
It seems that the President
and the federal council have
passed judgment over the
civilians of Raccoon City.
The President and the federal
council ruled that the
operation is the best
course of action for this
extreme situation and have
since, executed it.
Based on that fact, the
Raccoon City has been
literally wiped off the map.
Current reports have the
death toll surpassing the
Our hearts go out to those
poor civilians of Raccoon City...
Jill "Hentai Star" Valentine
"I sure hope this isn't Chris' blood..."
Chris "Hairspray" Redfield
"In retrospective, I really should write people's phone numbers down to avoid this..."
Barry "The Beard" Burton
"Daddy is going off to star in his own game... Something about a cruise ship and the Gameboy Color... Should be good."
Leon "Zinger" Kennedy
"I'll need a snazzy jacket, a big knife, a utility belt, and rigorous training in action hero dialogue..."
Claire "Heading for a Terrible Game" Redfield
"Well, he's not in Raccoon City and he's not in the woods around Raccoon City... That's it... I'm off to Paris..."
Sherry "Not-Newt" Birkin
"Oh well, at least that guy in the sunglasses is being really nice to me."
"Ada Wong" played by Ada Wong
"Where the fuck is Notspain? Something about salads and cows? Just had to go and get resurrected..."
HUNK as The Mini-Gamester
"I'm never going to get a bigger role than mini-games and random namedrops, am I?"
End of the Road...
Alright, folks. That is, thankfully, a rap. We've had a bumpy road getting here, but I can safely say I fucking hate survival horror and I imagine my time spent in hell will consist of endless fetch quests for ornamental animal statuettes. Anyhow, you've all been great in the sadist 'enjoying my eroding sanity' sort of way. And that's the best kind of love...
With that said, tune in next time for...