Part 45: Act 2: King
Episode XLV: Underneath the Sky so BlueWelcome back. When last we left our hero, he had finally freed himself from the grip of Las Plagas thanks to as conveniently placed device to rid them from he and Ashley's body. With Saddler's trump card no more, the game rockets to a climatic end. With that said, let's finish this...
Leon: The Professional as always... Hey!
Just up ahead, Leon finds one last file for his collection. The master plan of Saddler's!
I always knew there was something screwy with Mike Novick...
"Sir, the Secretary of State's eyes are glowing."
"He's probably just got that thing that's going around."
"The First Lady's head just exploded into some sort of worm thing, sir."
"She probably just hasn't put on her make-up yet."
"She bit off your intern's head just after, sir."
A virus with its members becoming violent nuts with glowing eyes and exploding heads. This doesn't go hand and hand with stealth infiltration.
So, I'm guessing they'd somehow send some people in to infiltrate the President's ranks in some way or another. Failing that, they'd then send random cells into the country to do something or other. Then, when everyone is all wondering what's up, they'd load everyone up in their single battleship, cruise across the Atlantic, and invade. Taking over the country by some monster based coup d'état. Which will in turn allow them to conquer the world as they'll all just lay down their arms against the might of monster controlled USA.
Jesus Christ, this guy is delusional...
Tucking the last writings of a crazy person into his rather stuffed back pocket, Leon proceeds into the next area. There, he comes across the final save point and the last Merchant of the game. Nothing new to be had, but hey. Spend now while you can.
A short jog later...
"My car insurance... I could be saving so much more."
"Try not to get kidnapped again while I'm gone. 'kay Thanks."
Ashley assumes the cliché girl waiting on hero's battle position.
Leon rides on up to the top.
It just wouldn't be a proper cartoonish scenario if there wasn't a bound damsel in distress, now would it?
I'm half surprised Saddler didn't have her slowly lowering into a pit of lava or piranhas.
"Give me five, dawg."
Leon seems so proud of himself not being affected by Saddler's silly power of psychic heartburn.
"There's no way you could have used that anti-Plagas device directly on the only route out here."
That's Krauser's knife from the duel they had earlier.
Saddler isn't much one for tying knots, since just cutting down the suspended rope completely freed Ada.
"Mild concussion from the fall and likely lingering back problems, but fine."
"Oh, I was just thinking about this particularly amusing Bugs Bunny cartoon where he dressed up like a woman and tricked Elmer Fudd. I've got to remember that one."
Says the foreign cult leader terrorist with a pseudo-zombie running crew.
"Are you going to turn into a monster like the last three of your subordinates did?"
"It...it's a really big monster..."
And the award for worst placement of an eye goes to... *drumroll*
William Birkin and his shoulder eye.
"You've got a deus ex machina to provide."
Ada gets right on top of that.
Below, Ashley hasn't had the concept of sitting down to wait cross her mind, and stares idly into space.
"Super Ada, away!"
"Wow, that girl has huge ears."
"Like, omigod I think that lady can fly."
The years have not been kind to Olmec of Legends of the Hidden Temple.
Something catches Ada's eyes.
Luckily, she can see two football fields away with perfect clarity.
Just when we though the level of ineptitude couldn't sink any lower.
FINAL BOSS FIGHT ALERT!
Thank you Osmund, by rescuing me from my cliché ridden delusions...by turning into a horrible demonic spider monster leftover from the Doom concept art in 1993.
Which brings up an interesting question...can he turn back after this goes down...?
"We have your daughter, Mr. President. You will make a generous...donation to our fine...religious community to assure she remains a gracious guest while...in our care..."
"You bastard! You'll never get away with this."
"Now now, Mr. President. Try to be more civil with me than that. We wouldn't want your daughter to come under any...unpleasant...accidents while enjoying our...hospitality."
"...What do you want?"
"Just a simple donation to the tune of-
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?! JESUS CHRIST! GET ME THE PENTAGON!!"
Tune in for the exciting conclusion. Now where were we? Oh yes, ridiculous spider demon thing.
Well, you have to give him one thing. At least he didn't turn into some pseudo-angel thing like the other half of Japanese games.
Meanwhile, Ada is grappling hooking all over the place.
You can actually see Leon duking it out with Saddler in the distance. You can even shoot him if you're a dick. You can't kill him so don't ask.
Oh, by the way, the Ganado rigged the whole platform with explosives for no reason at all...
Ada arms up and starts plowing through the very last Ganado who have decided to stay on the sidelines and become martyrs in a pointless explosion instead of aiding the boss. Ganado are weird...
Run away... RUN AWAY!
Leon pulls out all the stops.
Maybe it wasn't the best idea to turn into a huge monster form in an area filled with explosive barrels, tons of space for your foe to maneuver, and other hazards to your large bulky self. Just a hunch.
The explosion temporarily stuns Osmund.
Leon with the mount. Wait! He's got a knife. I don't like where this is going!
Completely insane tactic to combat some gigantic pointy eye mouthed monster. But hey...
Gotta impress the ladies somehow...
Leon spots yet another fault in Saddler's monster alter ego battlefield location choice.
Oh Saddler, you self defeating card.
Another quick knife to the eye and Leon pulls back some more.
Not without one last obligatory drama jump. Why do they even have collapsible bridges over a 500 foot drop?!
Saddler is still sore over that whole steel beams incident.
Pay not attention to the fact he spawned that one from the ground.
Leon has no problem backflipping the thing. The man was trained by ninjas. Which would explain the poor one liner abilities. Not really a ninja thing. He's sort of like a skinny Chris Farley ninja.
Super Ada to the rescue. Good thing she can aim a heavy projectile 500 yards and lodge it into something sturdy enough to support winging her weight across that distance.
Queue up an appropriate song and set things to a slow scroll.
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
Because I'm easy come,
A little high,
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me, to me
Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, ooo - (anyway the wind blows)
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all
I see a little silhouetto of a man
will you do the fandango
Thunderbolt and lightning - very very frightening me
Gallileo Figaro -
But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me
He's just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity
easy go - will you let me go
Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go - let me go
Will not let you go - let me go (never)
Never let you go - let me go
Never let me go - ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no -
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye
So you think you can love me and leave me to die
Oh baby - can't do this to me baby
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters - nothing really matters to me
Anyway the wind blows...
"It's a rocket launcher, you retard!"
"Where do you keep getting these things?!"
When in Rome...
"NOOOOO! Rockets! My only weakness! How did you know?!"
Well, at least Saddler managed to break the recent trend in the series by defeating the final boss with lasers. By...returning to the previous cliché of rocket launchers...
Well, at least the glass "Sample" vial survived the owner turning into a massive abomination, jumping and flailing all over the place, and taking a direct hit from a high explosive projectile.
You can already see the dollar signs lighting up and Leon already thinking up the write-up for the Ebay page.
Tune in later for the exciting conclusion. Really this time...
Episode XLV - Act 3: Closing the Curtain
Sure Leon, just give up the horrible parasite that killed hundreds of innocent people because you sort of have a thing for this chick you knew six years ago.
"What do I see in this dope...?"
Ada rushes toward toward the end of the platform. Surely the helicopter will fly up just as she leaps off.
Poor Leon is never going to get laid...
Oh, never mind. Ada was able to dodge the helicopter blades in her freefall and board with no problem.
"Or it'll just fall into namedrop obscurity in sequels. Whichever works for the writers."
Leon's dreams of opening a Starbucks here are dashed.
She really pushed what?! You've at no way to possibly see what she has from that distance and angle or has any sort of self destruct sequence been discussed at all up to this point... I feel like I'm taking crazy pills again here.
"You know, with the island exploding and all and you having know way to have known that or any idea what the key I tossed you goes to or where whatever it may be is."
Man, Ada is a total bitch to break up with...
Aww... Sure, there's about two and a half minutes until everything explodes for no particular reason, but still time to muse about novelty keychains.
"Jet-ski key"? Who told you what this key was, the bear? Where is this jet-ski located? Is it parked next to the snowmobile from Metal Gear Solid?
A huge monster is an emergency. The island exploding? Eh, it's a Wednesday...
Leon relieves Saddler's corpse of its drop. There's always time for theft.
And heads down to meet up with Ashley. If she's captured again, you know what? Fuck it.
Out at sea...
Quite a convenient perfectly sized containment briefcase.
Ada gazes off into the morning sun as she flies away into dawn. Really, that's it for her. Go to the bonus content at the end and watch the Ada Reports for more. But, especially watch the fifth one, as it's an epilogue and a few sequel plotline tidbits.
I just crack up at anyone ever realistically having to use that phrase...
Even Ashley doesn't know what the fuck.
Leon psychically knows the Jet-ski is down this until now unexplored or even noticed tunnel. But hey, why not...
One last fifty foot drop for the road. No, you don't get a polygonal panty shot...again.
Honest, why in the hell is there a jetski here? Who's is this? Did Salazar like to just go cruising down the caverns on weekends when he was visiting?
"Try to keep those ears tucked in. We need all the speed we can get."
Did this happen in Devil May Cry? But it was a biplane? It was still more intelligent than this...
The fourty foot jump just ahead raises the question of how they even got that jetski up there in the first place...
"Oh, about that time limit."
"It was just kind of a ballpark estimate..."
Thank God it was just waves. I thought it was those ears flapping in the wind. I'll have nightmares for weeks about this trip.
I wanted a better action shot than this...
I got a bit more than I asked for...
The exit is just in site, past the crumbling ceiling, as the entire Island is apparently crumbling not-unlike post-Dracula death Castlevania.
The ending would have been ten times better if she'd just drowned just as they escaped after all that. You can't tell me I'm wrong.
Ah crap, forgot her ears could be used as a floatation device in case of emergencies.
Congraturations! Mission All Over!
"I'm sure your father will be just thrilled."
"I knew you were a little slut! Luis owes me $20... Ohh..."
"The only way I could possibly get it up for you were to slowly drive a knife into your chest. Or bricking on you... In to that?"
"Someone without a face even a paper bag couldn't hide."
Leon with the three-way attempt.
She's your dick?
And so they sailed off into the sunset on their way back to the United States on their magical jetski...
On the Epilogue...
One last hurrah...
"Yes... Mr. President..."
"Not quite, baby."
"Mike...he...he's DEAD! Oh, right, and I saved what's herface..."
Hunnigan's got sort of a lazy eye...
"Not a bit of fucking thanks to you."
We've finished the game!
Dear God...it only took me less than fourteen hours for a month and half of this...
As well as Separate Ways!
Ada's Report 1 - Las Plagas:
Ada's Report 2 - Luis Sera:
Ada's Report 3 - Jack Krauser:
Ada's Report 4 - Leon Scott Kennedy:
Ada's Report 5 - Albert Wesker and sequels...
The P.R.L. 412 in action...
Leon the Mobster's hat tricks...
At the end of all this senseless slaughter, what had anyone really gained. An entire rural village decimated by the machinations of a crazed man powered by his religion.
But, was Saddler really in control of this operation. The Los Illuminados were no more, yet once the ashes settled, one was left with riches beyond compare...
Blinded by the truth in front of him in the heat of battle, had Leon unknowingly aided perhaps his greatest enemy...?
Millions of priceless merchandise all pawned off in a dead currency at the cost of antique weaponry...
"Hehehehe. Thank you...stranger..."
Thank you everyone for being a great audience. It's been fun. See you next time!
I need a cold shower and a few shots of booze...
Coming soon to a theater near you... The horror continues...