Part 13: Episode XIII: Marquess of Queensbury Rules.Welcome back. When last we left our heroine, she'd discovered all those gay jokes at Alfred's expense were completely accurate. Also, Steve got shot. But, sadly, he shrugged off a high power rifle shot at point blank to his shoulder. This game just doesn't give you a break. With that said, let's continue....
Right, then. Claire, in a brief bit of mercy by the developers, finds the handle to the bridge at her feet.
Don't think that's going to make me hate this game any less!
Claire heads back up to take care of business, as Steve proves once more to be utterly useless on par with male nipples.
"I swear to God, if you leave me behind, I'll hunt you down and skullfuck you back into looking like Leonardo DeCaprio!!!"
"Shh. We don't talk about that! We'll get sued!"
Claire rounds up to the bridge and returns the wayward lever to its rightful place.
Unfortunately, that also locks out Claire from getting back to the plane the way she came. This is the single worst design facility in history. No wonder everyone became zombie so quickly. There was probably a mass suicide when Alfred started hiding all the emblems and levers.
Luckily, this pile of corpses happens to have a key to the gate from the room with the crane obstacle from way back. Shockingly, they don't immediately spring into life.
Claire heads through the shutter. This place has more shutters than a mall after 10:00 PM...
A cargo elevator is conveniently placed in this room. Less than conveniently, it's also blocked by a tedious little crate pushing puzzle. Nothing says harrowing escape sequences like sliding metal blocks.
An announcement comes on regarding the actual time frame left until things go boom. It was just joshing up until now.
Claire rides the lift up. Either she's got great posture or they shoved something unpleasant up her butt in those 10 days between the intro and the game began...
Just to be clear, Alfred is speaking in Alexia's voice. Not as before, when he actually sounded like a woman. I'm talking, bad male impersonation of a fake female British accent... As such, he shall henceforth be referred to as Alfrexia in such instances to denote such a voice acting style...
This guy is more crazy than a dingo that eats its own shit...
Alfred slams his fist down on a button.
Elsewhere, a computer system springs to life and a freezer capsule shoots from a container on the ground.
This contains series staple boss, the Tyrant. The original Tyrant was the final boss of Resident Evil 1 which did Wesker in. That was T-002. There was a T-001 in Resident Evil 0, which was the original. It was much like T-002, only with Downs and Parkinsons.
Anyway, that means they've gone through a good 76 of these buggers in the five months since then... That, or a large number of them rebelled and broke off to start a progressive youth Christian rock band. Anyway, those kooky Tyrants...
Though, this one is...
...a little different.
Back to Claire...
After a rather lengthy elevator ride, Claire finds herself back outside the Military Training Facility. Oi. Tremors wannabe mini-boss! Get the hell out of dodge!
Claire rushes back to the plane.
Before she can make it far, she just really lets one loose. I mean, it's bleedin' toxic.
"Uhh...excuse me folks. It's been a long day sue me..."
Unfortunately, it's a really bad idea to rip one near open flame.
"I suppose I deserved that..."
Just then, the dirtiest ass in show business enters the ring... Only in America!
"One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died. I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand - he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like an infantile retard."
"I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."
"You're sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend."
Iron Mike is a push-over. Two and a half clips from the Custom Handgun will take him down.
"I wanted to hit her in the nose one more time so that the bone could went up into his brain, I wanted it to go up into her brain. Because I always thought about that punch, I always listened to the doctors on television and ask my friends, and they say when the nose go into the brain, the consequence of her gettin' up right away is...out of the question."
Stomping forward and punching are his own abilities. Neither would be particularly harmful on their own. What is harmful...
"Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy. It's like fire. If you can control it, it can cook for you; it can heat your house. If you can't control it, it will burn everything around you and destroy you. If you can control your fear, it makes you more alert, like a deer coming across the lawn."
Is if he should happen to uppercut her into the burning debris at the end of the pathway, that could prove a bit problematic... In the horrible roasting alive end sort of sense.
But, with a quick trigger finger and a close guard on her ears, Claire manages to get the beast down for the three count.
Hurrying right along...
Claire rush back to the plane, relieved to find Steve has yet to run the thing into a wall.
"Not about you. I don't need people. Guns. I need guns. Or someone to hold guns. But not trannies... I...I have no idea what my view on anything is..."
Mini-bosses get no respect.
I'm sorry, but I simply cannot accept this kid can pilot this plane. He can't even brush his own hair. Oh...forget it...
The plane somehow finds itself airborne. The Island of Misfit Emblems fades into the distance.
"I prefer this new search engine, Google. I think it's going places."
Why, oh why, did you say that?!
"Though, thinking about it, it was made five times harder because you're a spastic insufferable fuck-up who I particularly hope dies a gruesome painful HORRIBLE DEATH AND BURNS FOREVER IN THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL TO SUFFER AN ETERNITY OF BURNING ANGUISH JUST TO PUT UP WITH HOW MUCH OF A GODDAMNED LITTLE WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT YOU'VE BEEN!!!!
"I'm glad we're being up front with one another now."
"I miss my mom..."
Steve, you're dad's been dead for less than a day you friggin' pansy.
"Seriously, he's right. Why didn't I just stick with Leon?"
"To a better game."
And the pair have a jolly little laugh as they fly aimlessly in points unknown with a plane that could very well be running on fumes.
"Hawaii, huh? I think that's doable."
Is this the end for our heroine and her utterly inept male support role character? Tune in to find out in Episode XIV: Raging Bullshit