Part 16: Episode XVI: Made for TV MovieWhy are we playing this again?
It's either that or Alfred's ass on the monitor.
I'm starting to miss the ass.
Yeah, you would.
Really hate you, sometimes.
Let's just get on with it...
Anyway, we were getting to the obligatory Umbrella HQ.
Those places really are like Starbucks.
Tell me about it. I went and stopped to get gas a few months ago. Went to go wash my hands in the bathroom. Went through the wrong door in the back. Bam. Umbrella secret lab.
This one has seen better days.
If only it saw better games.
An elevator finds itself tucked out back.
To the thirteenth floor!
Let's just all be glad this game's engine can't handle colored lighting.
Or lenseflare. You know they'd lenseflare the fuck out of this game.
Vince spies a nearby monitor.
A monitor monitoring a monitor.
It's meta as fuck.
She's wondering why there's some guy yelling at a computer monitor down the hall.
Vincent has a quick flashback.
What did Pajama Man ever do to you? Jerk.
Another Mr. X rolls in.
I know I wasn't going to talk about him, as you could see his exploits properly in my vastly superior previous project, Resident Evil 2. But, I will mention the one new attack they gave him. See that shoulder block he's doing. He's actually sliding toward Vince here. Quite literally, stay perfectly still in that position and sliding like he were on ice toward him.
Are you really surprised at the shotty production values at this point?
I'm just glad they didn't give me a cameo.
Vincent goes farther into the building.
Nothing's actually happened yet. He just randomly walks in a room and exclaims aloud to himself.
I was birthed by someone?! None of this make sense!
That sound? It's the entire original Resident Evil 1 cast signing a relief that they no longer have the worst voice acting of the series.
That little thing from earlier is camping out here. I can't tell what it is.
Maybe it's a shim.
Then we'll call it "Bob".
Thus he horribly snuffed out her young life with his vise like fins.
Let me just place my hands ever closer to your neck.
Even the characters in this game are aware it sucks.
Vincent goes in for the kill!
Yeah, the mass of polygons with the neon stick coming toward you.
It's not her fault she sounds like she's 30.
Now that is a silly name.
I think he should have just stuck with Felix.
A rainbow baseball bat.
Heh. Maybe he borrowed it off Alfred.
He proceeds to swing it with the force of a 83 year old wheelchair bound woman on an IV.
Except that guy from the intro. I totally killed him.
There's another file in here.
Do we have to?
The more you complain, the longer it'll take.
Wiretapping Record of Vincent
You know, the evil headquarters that completely endorses what he's doing.
Though, maybe it wasn't the best idea to leave the results on a workstation he can both see from his office and is a minute walk down the hall.
How dare he kill those kids instead of leave them to have their brains cut out for our mutants. Traitorous fiend.
To continue with its horrific human experimentation...
Vin tucks that away and follows after Lott
I like how the glass didn't actually break, but rather go from window to broken window in the span of a single frame.
It's the type of quality we can look forward to in all Capcom shovelware.
There's something wrong when Pajama Guy's office and the parking lot is the same size.
Blasphemy! Only girls are allowed to use that in these games. Unless...
Vincent heads up out of the garage.
Come sister. This world has been engulfed with the heathens.
We must go and be one with the Lord.
Onward, to salvation, brother.
Hey, you jerks! You weren't jumping to your deaths at all!
Though, a 15 foot drop is still pretty impressive.
More impressive is the fact they made it past the Hunter in the next sewer way.
You know, this game really was missing a secondary sewer section.
It was, wasn't it?
Forget that, what about the gigantic poisonous spiders?
I had this little girl that managed to make it through an entire police station filled with zombies, spiders, mutants, Tyrants, a crazed rapist police chief, and her mutant dad trying to impregnate her with his monster seed.
Yeah, that was pretty fucked up, come to think of it.
Vincent comes out at the lovely sewer canal side housing complex.
He finds no trouble just breaking in to the place. Who's house is this, anyhow?
Congraturations! We've made it!
Remember to pick up all the guns so we can get the bonus Rocket Lawnchair.
Vincent stalks into the back room
Oh hey, Street Fighter II! Why must they taunt us with better games?
It's because they hate us, Steve. It's because they hate us...
Ark doesn't bother announcing himself, instead opting to sneak up and scare the little girl cowering in a fetal position half to death.
Vincent?! What's going on here?!
Vince is already gearing up for the three way molestation bonanza.
Their house is between a sewer canal and a ropeway station?
Umbrella is really lax with their salaries in these parts.
Oh, sweetheart. Don't worry. He's probably already been horribly mutilated by the creatures.
But don't worry, you won't have to see the corpse, as they're already feasting upon his flesh as we speak.
Stop it! No more.
Have no fear, they'll soon come for you it bite painfully down upon your nubile body as you slip away from consciousness, your last moments being filled with unspeakable agony and terror.
Monsters...in my vagina?
It's more common than you may think.
Lost in the 'you're on your own, brats' sort of lost.
For I am born anew, as a creepy far too feely guy with a taste for prepubescent tail.
I sure do hope that horde of zombies are held back by that flimsy gate just outside until then.
Ha, didn't work. You owe me $5.00!
Yet another little diary.
They totally whipped my ass at Tekken. Damn Koreans.
Says the boy who's window overlooks a sewer canal.
I know I'm about 14 and really should be able to detect how fucked up this whole operation is. But, my dad said if I shut up he'd get me a Sega Dreamcast. 9/9/99 can't come soon enough!
This kid sounds like even more of a pansy than you.
Hey, shut up. I had chainguns and akimbo pistols. This kid has a rainbow colored baseball bat.
Alright, I'll give you that.
November 25th. Ditched sis. Getting the hell out of dodge. Will write again when have a chance.
Vincent heads back outside.
Yikes! More zombies. Time to get the hell out of here.
Was there something we're forgetting?
You know...there may be. Eh. If it was important, we'd remember it.
Train montage. Woo!
This is what I've felt like has been happening the entire time we've been playing this.
Luckily, even though he was about two feet away and it takes two entire clips to kill him, the crippling slowdown kicked in and this was the only hit I took.
Again with the three paths to the next area.
Steve, there's only one clear path here.
ELLEMONA? El Lemona?
Maybe it's both Spanish and French. El Le Mona.
You'd think they could have at least looked at the texture for two seconds to make sure the text actually matched.
That's asking far too much here.
Visit scenic El Mona Pass! Now with a draw distance of an entire four feet.
More Apearm Hunks. Since they need a direct line of site to fire their guns and the path loops and twists and they're unable to fire over the smallest bit of grass, they're less than threatening.
You can't see it here, of course, but there is actually one directly behind me rolling over and over, causing our guy here to rocket at about twice normal speed. Passing this section in about a minute. Until the little helper Cleaner got stuck on a corner and was never heard from again. Some say he is still rolling to this very day.
All paths lead to poorly rendered old mansions.
Vincent heads inside.
What a jip. He's still alive.
There's still time.
Figures the mansion would lead down to a token Umbrella Lab complex.
I found one in the back of a Hardee's once.
Oh yeah? How did you get in.
I had to just put a gold plated French fry in the deep fryer.
Stop naming games better than this.
I suppose games on par won't hurt.
We stumbled onto the set of Dino Crisis.
What was that one like?
Resident Evil with dinosaurs.
Was the plotline as retarded as this series'?
Let's put it this way. The newest game has zombie dinosaurs in space being fought by guys in jetpacks.
Forget I said a word...
Our guy needs an activation key. He looks elsewhere in the labs.
They're breeding low-res polygons!
There's that activation key.
Hey hey hey! Don't forget the note.
What, are you fucking Fat Albert all of the sudden?
Would I still have to play this?
Then consider me an obese black kid voiced by Bill Cosby.
You know what? Let's save it for next time.
Really...? Stop here? That seems a bit odd.
Nah. It's a good cliffhanger. What's on the floating note?!
That's the worst cliffhanger I've ever heard.
Very. Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion in Episode XVII: It's Not Really and Exciting Conclusion
The series' best voice actor:
And second best voice actor: