Part 5: Episode V: Golden Palace.

Welcome back. When last we left our heroine, she had just watched the creepiest home video ever. Even more creepy than the one where Grandpa fell down the stairs after being hit in the groin with a baseball and broke his hip while Bob Saget made little quips. With that said, let's mosey on...

That creepy home video activated the entrance to a hidden passage behind a display case. I have mine activate if someone watches a rerun of Reno 911 on it.

This leads to yet more displays of assorted weaponry and models. Oh yeah and...

How convenient. Oh wait. This one has a triangle bottom. Darn it!

One last item catches Claire's eye at the end of the corridor.

Well, at least that item grab was solved easily enough.

Unfortunately, the puzzle gods will have none of this as an alarm sounds and the display case slams shut.

Also, a computer console with the game's first arbitrary puzzle opens up. But, we'll get to that shortly.

Lastly, someone fiddles with the thermostat for no particular reason. Damn kids, do I look like I'm made of money just so you can wear shorts in February?! I don't think this actually does anything, aside from make a wavy heat warp effect.

Unfortunately, the Lugers must be returned for now.

With nothing left to do in the Palace, Claire heads back outside.

Just then...

Steve sounds exactly like a nasally 12 year old here.

Video

Unfortunately, Claire is forced to rescue Steve, who somehow managed to materialize, through sheer douchebaggery, in the room she'd just left. Or maybe he triggered all these locked side rooms and was camping out in there. Which makes me hate him even more.

Seems like the moron locked himself where Claire just was.

You don't say? *leaves the game running and takes a smoke break*

14 minutes later...

Since Steve is too much of a fuckbrain to place the unloaded pistols that triggered an alarm and sealed him in back in place, Claire is forced to deal with this kooky, but ridiculously easy puzzle.

Now, boys and girls, which of these six items match?

A. A Battleship

B. An Ant

C. A Pistol

D. A Knife

E. A Magnum

F. A Plane

Decide carefully...

If you picked these two, you win a gold star!

The display case moves to release Steve. Never had the designers thought of having TWO people at the helm.

"You just needed to put the pistols back, moron. And it only got moderately hot. Are you sure you're a boy?"

"No, actually I found those. But I wasn't a retard a realized I couldn't take them without being trapped. But thanks for trying."

Only if you have a third nipple. Otherwise, looks like the barrel would melt after a single shot.

Claire has a great condescending bitch delivery. But honestly, can you blame her?

Oh, you cockbite motherfucker! Would you like to return to roasting trapped in that room while squealing like a prepubescent schoolgirl for help? Because we can fucking arrange that.

The idea of how to inflict the most suffering while keeping him alive is running through Claire's head at present.

Unfortunately, this gives the goldfish attention spanned Steve a chance to slip away.

Yes, an extra half hour or so added to the game simply because Steve is a raging asshole.

Frustrated, Claire returns back outside once more. Hoping not to be summoned back by yet another squealing nancy.

Tough luck, sweetheart.

Despite having a rifle with both a laser sight and aiming through a scope, and be only standing about 20 yards away, this unknown assailant manages to miss. Multiple times.

He speaks with the voice of someone attempting to emulate a gay British accent.

Despite Rodrigo earlier having clearly stated Umbrella knew of Claire's intentions of merely finding her brother. This guy seems to fully be under the impression a 19-year old college student was behind this attack.

Meet Alfred Ashford. He'll make Osmund Saddler look like a sane, levelheaded individual.

Claire with the obligatory

It should be noted that Alfred shoots the ceiling for no particular reason at this remark. I'm half surprised a few ceiling tiles didn't fall on his head like a Yosemite Sam indoors.

Yeah, buddy. Don't let this get out, as this might constitute insider trading, but you may want to ditch those stocks in the near future. Just saying.

"As soon as you tell me why you're wearing a riced up Santa Claus costume."

All while crumpled unconscious on a prison cell floor. Impressive.

Claire's really having difficult getting this whole "island was attacked" thing. Though, I am a bit as well, considering all the attackers vanished and everyone became a zombie in under five minutes. But, who am I to speculate?

Inconceivable!

"Monsters"? For having such a high breeding, you're sure having difficult coming up with a more sophisticated synonym that doesn't make you sound like you're eight years old.

Alfred lines up his fourth missed shot.

"I may very well shoot at you once more...and miss!"

With that, Claire is left alone once more.

What perils await Ms. Redfield next time on the island of deranged nancy assholes? Tune in next time to find out in Episode VI: Item Collection Out The Ass

Bonus Content

This guy is, alone, more easily hated than the entire villain line-up of Resident Evil 4 was...
Video

Watch this, if just for Alfred's laugh at the end. Which must honestly be heard to understand:
Video