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Episode XIX: Look. Don’t Touch.

Welcome back. When last we left our heroine, she’d crashed in Antarctica. Yes, Antarctica. Yes, it’s silly, but let’s get through with it. With that said, let’s get through with it…

Well, then. This is the horrible monster locked in the basement for 10+ years, Nosferatu. According to the Butler’s dealie just before, Alexander Ashford disappeared about 15 years ago. Put two and two together and… Hey, Papa Ashford.
“By the way, your son is dressing up in his sister’s clothes and wearing make-up.”
“And the Cubs still haven’t won a World Series!”

Monster taunting aside, that plant container in the corner is special.

Very crafty. The machine room is that place upstairs on the catwalk, if you’ll recall.

But first, let’s check out the rest of the base we hurried past earlier.

The moth corridor leads to a large open room filled with machinery. Evil machinery.

Claire enters the first door she comes across, which leads back to the drilling machine room.

Up above to the left is a valve (sans handle, of course) to turn off any toxic gas leaks. Now, how could a situation like that possibly arise?

Claire heads back out.

Next door up. This is the “BOW” room.

Seems innocent enough.

They might as well have a neon sign saying “A Gas Leak Will Happen Within The Next 20 Minutes!”

Claire proceeds further into the room.


Meet the Web-Spinners. This game’s iteration is far less hairy, but still none the less horrifying. Why are there even spiders in Antarctica?!

Anyway, these guys spit acid which causes the poison status a good portion of the time. Other than that, they have a new attack which is grabbing onto their victim and chowing down, as demonstrated on poor Claire here.

That’s about it. They’re barely ever encountered and can be easily killed with whatever’s on hand. But, they’re icky, so let’s hurry on.

The corner has a barcode sticker. What, you didn’t think you were getting away from this base without at least one inane item to fetch for some obscure unintuitive purpose, did you?

Claire gets the hell out of arachnophobia central and returns to the main hallway.

Speak of which, let’s get right on top of that. Claire heads back to the center of the central room. Where a conveyor belt system awaits to be fiddled with. The lights barely work, everything is trashed, but you’d better believe small crates will get where they need to be.

Claire slaps the barcode sticker on the crate at the ready for reasons only apparent to herself.

Then sends the package off on its way. Maybe she was working part time at the Post Office to make ends meet in college.

That flashing item above from earlier is sent to its destiny as well.

One last room to check out, the Weapon Room.

Claire enters.

Kickass! Finally, something going my way for a bit.

I fucking hate this game… Glad to know fire can magically spring forth from the concrete and steel and be perpetuated on that as its subsistence for hours on end!

Claire takes her ass back upstairs to the Machine Room, wishing she just died in Raccoon City by this point.

Levers and switches await.

Claire knows better than to randomly fiddle with complicated machinery and heads through a nearby adjacent door.

It just wouldn’t be a Resident Evil game without one of these babies, would it? Resident Evil 4 gets a pass.

Claire heads back the direction she came.

Just what we needed, an idiot that doesn’t know better than to randomly fiddle with complicated machinery…

“It’s cold, mate.”

“I don’t think I’ll have a problem jogging seven miles in the Antarctic wearing blue jeans and having an exposed midriff. Don’t I look just totally cute in this outfit?”

Oh, Steve… Have you not learned your lesson…?

Steve operates the crane for the drilling machine.

“Wha…what?! Totally wasn’t staring at your ass or anything.”

For Christ sake. They need a Wikipedia entry for “Fuck-up” and have his picture front and center…

“Another potentially fatal situation thanks to my hormones! Damn you puberty!”

Claire hauls ass toward the exit. Meanwhile, the ever quick Steve decides fiddling with the crane control panel ought to take priority.

“I may need to gut you for warmth later like the Wampa Tauntaun in The Empire Strikes Back!” (Excuse me for rudimentary knowledge of Star Wars bestiaries.)

The two narrowly escape. It’s only an extra 15 minutes of fetching and several more potentially deadly situations for Claire thanks to this…

Wrong, Steve. It’s always your fault!!

Claire’s just hoping if he hangs out with the guy enough, he’ll eventually end up offing himself, leaving Claire’s conscience free.

“I saw this episode of 24 were Jack Bauer made it through nerve gas by holding his breath and putting the hood up on his sweatshirt. Give it a whirl, Steve.”

Steve starts running off.

Claire, I’ll only say it once: shut the fuck up!

Nothing like romances blooming from a solid 20 minutes of actual interaction between two characters…

Oh, Leon… Will you ever learn? And will Claire ever escape Antarctica with what may very well be a functionally retarded sidekick? Find out this and more in the exciting conclusion of Claire’s journey Episode XX: Ashford Family Reunion ‘98

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