Part 1: Episode I: Witty Banter
Episode I: Witty Banter
Well, let's get this train wreck of a game underway. We have our title screen with obligatory creepy mutant overlay.
The cheap pricks didn't even get a chain smoking janitor to give a spooky "RESIDENT...EVIL..." upon starting the game. This doesn't bode well. Nor does the Japanese title of the game; "Gun Survivor 4: Biohazard - Heroes Never Die"
Yes, this is a proper sequel to Resident Evil: Survivor. And there was a really retarded subtitle. God help me...
And it will be fabulous!
Our as of yet unseen hero narrates the prologue. Well, narrates in the mumbling southern drawl sort of sense.
Well, that just killed the people living there. I think the nuclear warhead slamming into downtown destroyed the actual town. But, details...
I think Umbrella's problem is less 'aborting the project' and more "oh Christ, why did we hire so many lunatics and build so many remote bases?! This is not going well!"
Something tells me break ins at the old French Umbrella labs...
Are a somewhat common occurrence...
Oh yeah, Umbrella owns a few cruise liners for no particular reason. I'm not sure how they explained that business expense to the IRS.
Ah! A horrible monster! Kill it with fire! Quickly!
Oh, wait. This fellow is Bruce McGivern. A mumbling southern (perhaps vaguely Cajun) dolt who happens to be our hero.
He's been waking up at night, in a cold sweat, screaming "WHY?" frequently.
Whoa...
Bruce complies. I mean, the guy wearing tight leather managed to get the drop on him in the middle of twenty yards of open deck space. Old Bruce doesn't seem to be good at this special agent thing.
Morpheus decides to bop Bruce on the head for his insolence. No heavy gun whip or strike to knock him out. It does little but knock him to his knees and make him rub his head.
Insulting gun workmanship and choice of deodorant fragrance? I never thought I'd miss Leon and Salazar's banter...
"How dare you insult the Axe Effect!"
The face of terribly animated terror...
Elsewhere in the Uncanny Valley...
Fuck! Zomb-oh. It's another character...
Bruce is too busy shitting himself while Morpheus preps for his most fabulously evil pose, to hear the grenade noisily bounce upon the wooden deck.
Luckily, the fact it's roughly the size of a small child's head brings it to Bruce's attention.
Morpheus is still busy standing around thinking he's cooler than Vanilla Ice.
He proves to be a bit slower on the uptake.
"Uh oh! Spagetti-O's!"
Bruce wastes no time bringing on his true form.
The anti-personnel explosive manages to level half of the deck. Quite impressive, I must say.
Bruce comes upon his unsightly firearm, despite the fact he tossed it a few feet to his right and had just been blown forward about fifteen feet.
He then trips into a plot hole. Not to be seen for several an update.
Thus, Bruce is left alone on the deck of the Spencer Rain, wondering what the fuck just happened.
And I'm left wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into...
Tune in next time for the actual game...
It's even uglier than that FMV...
Bonus Content:
The Explosive Introduction:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgKmTTEMGJc