Part 10: Episode X: Il Buono, Il Brutto, Il Cattivo
Episode X: Il Buono, Il Brutto, Il Cattivo
When last we left our hero... You all saw what happened. Let's not speak of it again. The game isn't going to...
Bruce now finds himself in the freight tunnels. Which, somehow, manages to be even longer and duller than the sewers were.
A save room immediately greets him upon his arrival in the new area. Within, two shiny new files. Gotta catch 'em all...
Biological Report 2
Yes, there are still more profoundly stupid monsters to come.
There is little power in an underground area so it is dark. Science at work, folks.
They don't so much "glimmer" as they glow like low-rent special effects infrared goggles. But, details...
"Note to self, equip next road of workers with something more durable than butterfly net."
I can't find a good picture of the CGI art of the Glimmers. But, it's essentially a frog with a shit load of red glowing eyes. Which, I suppose, is a natural progression from the idiotic redesign of the Hunters found in this title.
Experiment "a" Log
You know, what with the walking corpses, the horrible monsters, and the queer as folk guy in the trench coat.
Well, it's good to see Umbrella is concerned about human rights these days. Back in the old days you wouldn't get a metal rod hammered into your skull. No sir. Drills were employed back then.
Reaction: "I can't see shit."
Diet Coke.
I'd like you all to note this was the creature earlier that didn't have the top of its head attached and clearly had no ears.
...
Umbrella managed to loose track of this?!? For fuck sake, what happened? It can't even fit through any of the doors in the complex...
Bruce puts those two incredibly dopey files away and continues onward.
You see this? This is what the next twenty minutes look like. Three stories of this with no music to speak of and nothing but incredibly easy to avoid monsters. That's twenty minutes just avoiding everything.
We also meet the Glimmers here. Let me tell you about the Glimmers.
They are fucking impossible to kill with the standard controls. That spastic glow blurs is how fast they moved in half a second. Now imagine that hopping all over the place non-stop until it decides to lunge forward and attack you.
Now, keep in mind it takes about four seconds just to move your targeting recticle from one side of the screen to the other. Never mind pinpoint a small bouncing creature like that. And that's assuming you're looking at the thing. Needless to say, if there is one creature to run past in this game. It is this.
On the lighter side of things, they are very...
Very...
Friendly. You may interpret those screencaps however you please...
Another 'new' enemy in the tunnels (and only the tunnels) are burning zombies. The undead, when consumed by flame, apparently gain double speed. As a trade-off, nobody bothered to program an attack animation for them, so they just sort of walk into you doing damage. Quality as always...
I'm going to skip the rest of the tunnels now as they are tedious as all hell and have two contrived item fetch quests within them. There is a file to be found on the way. Don't think you're escaping that.
Transport Orders
"Bio-Sphere"?
Ah. "Super Secret Undersea Base". Of course.
Yes, we are going to an undersea base next. I'm almost positive we'd end up on the Umbrella moon base, if the developers were given a larger budget.
Insert another ten minutes of running in circles in identical corridors.
Well, here's that freight elevator the last file was talking about.
Unfortunately, this elevator is on hold.
On account of sheer ridiculousness.
Behold, the earless abomination of science with acute hearing.
Bruce is either really surprised or really stoned. I can't tell with this expression.
Boss Fight 2: Bruce McGivern vs. The Man-tits of Science
I'm afraid this battle cannot be expressed in pictures of words. Only a brief clip of video will suffice. I'd post the whole battle, but honestly it would be about five minutes of what exactly you see and hear within.
"Arugabahoogah!"
So, after about five minutes of running around listening to the single most retarded video game enemy sound since the burping nurses in Silent Hill 4, and occasionally stopping to shoot, old Pluto's brain decides to fall out. Apparently you shot out the stitches and the thing's spinal cord was held in with Dollar Store duct tape.
Regardless, the creature's keen sense of hearing goes out the gutter when its brain starts dangling. It is reduced to sort of waddling about and vaguely swinging.
Insert a few shots into the noggin, causing it to explode.
After this takes place, the poor BOW with a bit of a weight problem just stands vacantly in place until Bruce plugs it with a few more shots to put it down.
He is rewarded with a carefully rendered monster anus for his efforts. I hate this game.
As per Resident Evil standard, the elevator decides to arrive just after the monstrosity is vanquished.
Down below, we have
Meanwhile, our plucky sidekick with severe downs syndrome decides to join us.
How did we deduce Umbrella's missiles are in their deep sea secret base that was mentioned ten minutes earlier in an easily missed file? Why do they even have a deep sea base? What's next? A volcano? Space? Dimension X? Christ, the early trailers for Resident Evil 4 had them with a fucking evil airship.
Why the hell does Umbrella even have ICBMs in the first place? I can think of no remotely logical reason why a chemical company would need strike capabilities reaching at least two continents. Assuming, we're somewhere in the Pacific.
All this and more will never be answered.
As we are now knee deep in undead trannie vage.
Bruce makes no further attempt to stop Morpheus other than shouting his name and hoping for the best.
Morpheus proceeds to destroy the cables holding the elevator. It's not a vicious swipe or anything. He just sort of passes his hand through it and the thing disappears. He may have possibly gotten 500 points for the deed.
Speaking of disappearing, Morpheus himself vanishes as the elevator plummets below. They didn't animate the cables breaking. They're damned if they're going to animate the monster escaping.
The pair, for reasons unknown, are pressed against the ground as though they were ascending at breakneck speeds. I've never fallen down an elevator shaft, but I don't think that's how it works.
Bruce manages to make his way to his feet, despite the crippling conditions, and pull the emergency break.
Then it's right back to the floor.
This continues for a few seconds before the elevator grinds to a halt.
Nothing says teamwork like putting your foot through someone's head.
Now is not the time to be slamming a Dew!!
Almost... Almost...
Whoops.
Whelp, an out of control elevator plummeting hundreds of feet until it hits bottom. I'd say there's roughly a 2% chance of surviving that.
Thus, Fongling is left alone to carry the rest of the game on her poorly rendered shoulders.
Tune in next time for a new adventure with the newly bumped up protagonist!